


Long Road to Ruin

by plzdean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bisexuality, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Use, Gangs, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Promiscuity, Prostitution, Road Trip, Violence, dean!cas, drug overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-02-09 10:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1978767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plzdean/pseuds/plzdean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel didn’t exactly sign up for this road trip as such. He only found himself in this mess because his brother, Gabriel, thought that it would be a good idea to drag him along because he was the ‘sensible one’, and because the fact he was a scout when he was twelve years old meant that he was apparently “good with directions”. Truth: he’s not, but Gabriel wouldn’t let him argue otherwise.</p><p>So there he was, stuck in a car with his brother, his brother's best friend Sam, a guy called Balthazar he'd heard his brother mention before in passing, and Dean - Sam's older brother with a car and a lifestyle of which Castiel highly disapproved of. </p><p>Only, perhaps Castiel is more easily influenced than he thought he would be, which isn't ideal when you're thousands of miles from home and still struggling to come to terms with everything going on in your head...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. California (Intro)

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is quite short because it's just the introduction. The rest of the chapters are a lot longer. Thank you for taking the time to read this, let me know what you think - any feedback and comments are welcome. :)

** California **

Castiel didn’t exactly sign up for this road trip as such. He only found himself in this mess because his brother thought that it would be a good idea to drag him along because he was the ‘sensible one’, and because the fact he was a scout when he was twelve years old meant that he was apparently “good with directions”. Truth: he’s not, but Gabriel wouldn’t let him argue otherwise.

So there he was: sitting in the living room of his brother’s apartment - the apartment his brother shared with his two friends who were attending Stanford with him, Sam and Balthazar – with a backpack packed to bursting point on his back, and his laptop held tight against his chest as Sam and Gabriel argued over who had the maps. After they set off on their journey, he would be sleeping in unfamiliar towns on lumpy motel mattresses with a bunch of older university guys, thousands of miles from home and the security of familiarity for nearly a month. The thought of this alone made his stomach fall and his bones turn to something like lead.

Castiel watched the argument unfold while they waited for Sam’s older brother to pull up in the parking lot outside, and something inside Castiel’s head kept praying that something would pop up and stop them from having to embark on this godforsaken road trip. He contemplated faking illness, but he knew Gabriel would see right through him. He’d already tried to use the excuse that he had a lot of work to catch up on, but Gabriel knew that he was lying because Castiel was top of all his classes and never handed in an essay a second late.

Besides, it was summer, and Castiel knew that if he didn’t go on this trip he’d just end up staying alone in his apartment until college started up again in the fall. He had no friends at Stanford and it didn’t look like he would be gaining any either, any time soon. So what did he have to lose by going?

“Boys, _I_ have the maps. And if you’re going to argue like this the whole summer, I’m really going to have to reconsider my decision to road trip with you.” Balthazar said as he stepped out of the kitchen.

“At least you had a choice to come.” Castiel muttered.

“Hey, you’re gonna thank me for forcing you to come when you’re lying in the bed of some shitty hotel room with three hot blondes we picked up in Nevada. Trust me.” Gabriel said, eyebrows raised, as he took the maps from Balthazar and packed them into Sam’s bag for him.

“ _Nothing_ about that sentence sounds appealing to me.” Castiel sighed under his breath. He stood up and grabbed a bottle of water from the table in the middle of the room and slumped back into the sofa just as there was a loud knock on the apartment door.

Sam jumped up to open it and in stepped a rough looking man, maybe in his mid-twenties or so, dressed in a leather jacket with the collar turned up. His jeans were dirtied and ripped at the knees, but the smile he carried and the green of his eyes instantly seemed to make up for it.

“ _Dean_.” Sam sighed happily, pulling the stranger into a hug.

“Hey Sammy.” He grinned, ruffling his little brother’s hair a little as he broke from the hug. “You ready?”

“Yeah. Let’s do this.” He grinned as he slung his backpack over his shoulder and followed Dean back out the door. Balthazar followed close after, then so did Gabriel and Castiel.

“Just a little heads up,” Gabriel muttered as they stepped towards the door, “Dean lives the kind of lifestyle I know you’d disapprove of, but we need him for this trip because he’s the only person we know with a decent car. So please just try and put up with him, okay, for me?”

“Whatever.” Castiel sighed as he watched Gabriel lock up. “As long as he doesn’t mess this trip up for the rest of us he can do whatever he wants.”

 “That’s my boy.” Gabriel grinned, nudging him so suddenly he nearly dropped his laptop down the stairs.

***

Once he’d dumped his bag and laptop in the boot of Sam’s brother’s car, he climbed into the middle seat between Balthazar and Gabriel, Sam upfront with Dean. As the others buckled up their seat belts, Dean turned back to look at him and smiled with a wink. “They drag you along too?”

“Something like that.” Castiel murmured as he sank back against the uncomfortable leather seat that he’d have to get used to over the next month or so.

“Yeah, we’ll it should be a laugh. I didn’t want to go at first either, but Sam convinced me it would be fun. Besides…he promised to pay for my food, so there’s that too. I’m Dean by the way: Sam’s older and considerably more attractive brother. ” Dean grinned, forcing himself to lean back further in order to offer Castiel his hand.

“And I’m Castiel.” He replied, shaking it somewhat apathetically.

Dean turned back to the front and drummed his hands impatiently on the wheel. “Come on ladies _,_ let’s _go_.”

Sam turned back to the guys sitting in the backseats. “Everyone got everything we need? Money? Maps?”

“Beer?” Dean interjected.

“I think we’re all set.” Balthazar said.

“Then let’s go.”

And so they set off – the five of them, three of whom Castiel barely knew at all – on a 6,073 mile road trip across the United States and back again which Castiel was fairly sure they’d never finish in one piece, even if they tried. He did his best to force the dread of the coming month out of his head and closed his eyes, willing himself to drown out the sound of the shitty band playing on the radio as they pulled out into the highway.

 

“Dean…we’re going the wrong way.”

Castiel opened his eyes to find Sam frowning over at his brother; Dean on the other hand held a knowing smirk on hips lips that Castiel prayed he wouldn’t grow to resent.

“I know.” Dean said simply. The car carried on down the highway and suddenly pulled out at a junction a few hundred metres away from a small chain fast-food restaurant. “I wanna get a burger first.”

Castiel took a sharp breath and he felt Gabriel’s gaze on the side of his face, which he gladly ignored.

“Seriously, Dean? It’s seven AM. Are you sure that place even sells burgers at this time?”

“Yeah, ‘course it is. I can see Lisa’s car in the parking lot.”

“Lisa? You’ve gotta be kidding me, you’re meeting _Lisa_? Dean, we’re supposed to be quarter of the way to Nevada by now. We don’t have time for this.”

“Chill, Sammy. I’ll be five minutes. Ten at most.”

And before anybody could say another word against him, Dean stopped the car and jumped out before the engine even had time to cool, and was walking happily towards the door swinging his car keys around his thumb. Silence filled the car and Castiel watched as Sam shook his head slowly in disbelief. Balthazar appeared to have fallen asleep and Gabriel was apparently trying to stifle a laugh.

“I need to get some air.” Sam mumbled before climbing quickly from the car, shutting the door nearly too hard.

“I should go with him.” Gabriel shrugged, vacating the car too.

And so Castiel found himself more or less alone. He sat there in silence picking at the dead skin around his thumb, and when he looked up he found that from where he was sitting he could see Dean inside the restaurant with a pretty dark haired lady who appeared to be particularly upset about something. She was gesturing angrily towards the car Castiel was sitting in, then at a young boy sitting at the table behind them. He tried to lip read what she was saying to him, but all he got were numerous Fuck Yous.

Out the side window Castiel could see Sam and Gabriel pacing back and forth across the grassy verge beside the highway. Sam had his hands in his pockets and was still shaking his head in disbelief and Gabriel was still trying to hide the fact he found the whole situation hilarious. Castiel considered making a run for it; Gabriel and Sam were facing the other way over by the highway, and Dean was preoccupied with whatever was happening between him and Lisa so there would be nobody to stop him even if he tried.

But just as he’d managed to unbuckle his seatbelt, Sam and Gabriel returned to the car and Castiel forced himself to think of something else, returning his gaze to Dean and Lisa in the restaurant. He felt somewhat invasive for watching whatever was occurring between them in the restaurant. He felt invasive just sitting in his car. But that didn’t stop him. It was the only thing vaguely more interesting than listening to Sam and Gabriel discussing possible sleeping arrangements once they reach Nevada.

He watched as Dean stepped forwards and placed a hand on her shoulder, only to be pushed away. Then a small brown bag was forced against his chest, and he was shoved hard towards the door.

Castiel watched as Dean walked hastily back towards the car, digging what appeared to be a freshly wrapped burger from the brown bag, and began to unwrap it before climbing back into the car. Once he’d fastened his seat belt, he sat back in his chair and took a bite of the burger.

“So…?” Sam frowned.

“So, she broke up with me.” Dean shrugged “I was supposed to be taking her and Ben down to Miami to visit her parents and she’s kind of mad at me for bailing last minute. At least I got a cheeseburger though.”

“If you’d told me you had plans with Lisa we could’ve found someone else to drive.” Sam said slowly in disbelief.

“Nah, it’s fine. I didn’t want to go to see her parents again anyway. They’re expecting marriage proposals and I just don’t think I’m into all that _commitment_.”

Castiel watched as Dean picked at the burger bun.

“And you’re just gonna let her break up with you like that? I thought you were into her.” Sam asked.

Dean just shrugged and switched the ignition, dumping his half-eaten burger in his brother’s lap. This time as they entered the highway Dean didn’t turn on the radio, and the silence was filled by the heavy rumbling of the Impala’s engine and the rushing of wind as they passed by countless cars. Countless cars of people heading to their own private destinations: whether that destination is work, or home, or a city in a faraway state that they’d never visited before. Everybody was headed somewhere, no matter how long it might take for them to get there.


	2. Nevada

** Nevada **

After nearly five hours of travelling in an uncomfortable silence down the West Side Freeway, Sam called piss stop and Dean pulled over at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere.

Castiel was glad for the stop because staring at the nothingness of the Californian desert is not the most exciting thing in the world – you can only watch so many dusty fields and low-lying mountains pass before you begin to wish you were somewhere with even the smallest trace of human life. Not to mention the heat inside the car; it was midday in California, the sun was at it’s strongest and the air was so dry and hot that no matter how much water they drunk, they’d never cool down. Not to mention the fact Dean’s air conditioning was broken, and he refused to open the windows and let them cool off as he drove because he was worried that ‘the dust would ruin the leather’.

Sam and Gabriel jumped out in search for the small toilet cubicles round the back of the station and Balthazar offered to buy sandwiches for everyone while Dean topped the car up with gas. This meant that Castiel was left alone once again inside the car, and this time there was nowhere for him to escape to. There was no going back now, even if he desperately wanted to.

He decided to stretch his legs for a while and climbed out of the car. He’d nearly forgotten how good it felt to walk on solid ground. The only thing that would make the moment any better would be a slight breeze, but he knew that maybe that was asking too much.

“Y’alright?” Dean called over to him as he wandered into the shade of the gas station roof by the gas pump.

Castiel nodded. “Are _you_ alright? I mean, after breaking up with your girlfriend like that and everything.”

“I guess I’m fine.” There was a long pause. “I mean, I was going to break up with her anyway. I just didn’t want it to end like that, ya know?”

Castiel nodded in understanding. But the truth was he _didn’t_ understand. He didn’t know what it was like to break up with someone before because he’d never dated anyone before. He didn’t know _how_ you were supposed to break up with someone, or _what_ you were supposed to feel, or what reasons would be valid enough to part from someone you loved. Weren’t all break ups supposed to be hard? How could they end any other way?

“But I guess it’s not such a bad thing.” Dean said as he dug a couple of twenties from his pocket. “I mean, now I can hook up with anyone I want without feeling guilty about it. Trust me, dude, there are so many guys and girls out there, and not nearly enough time to spend with them all.”

“Guys _and_ girls?”

“I don’t discriminate.” Dean winked. “Want anything?” He asked, waving the money a little as he turned away to head inside and pay.

“What? No. I’m fine.”

“I’ll get you a Mars Bar.”

“I don’t-” but he was already out of earshot, and Sam, Balthazar and Gabriel were slowly walking back towards the car.

Once they were all seated again, buckled up and ready to go, Dean chucked a Mars Bar into Castiel’s lap and switched on the engine. Balthazar passed around various two-dollar sandwiches and finally they were on the road again. As they pulled back out into the near-empty freeway, Dean put an old Metallica into the car’s tape deck and finally rolled down the windows, looking up and winking at Castiel in the wind mirror as he let the cool air wash over his face and neck for the first time in what felt like a century.

***

The mood was slightly less tense and Castiel was grateful; it made it easier to join in the conversation with the older college guys. Listening to them talk about their end of semester pranks on their lecturers and tutors made Castiel feel somewhat excited for his sophomore year after summer break. And while all these guys, excluding Dean, would be seniors next semester, he felt that maybe he could learn to like them.

“Cellophane wrapping.” Sam managed to force out through his laughter. “ _All_ around our professor’s car.”

“I even think Garth and his friends put it over the toilets in the staff bathrooms.” Balthazar added. “And across the doorways to some of the auditoriums.”

“Sounds _a lot_ like a prank I organised in my senior year of high school.” Dean said with an eyebrow raised, looking over at his younger brother.

“Yeah, well, I guess you might’ve been the inspiration for the prank.” Sam laughed.

“Jeez, you really missed out by not going to college, Dean.”

“Please, obsessive drinking? Sex? All nighters? I did all of that back home in Kansas anyway. Still do. I didn’t need to end up in debt after four years just to have a good time.”

“We didn’t sign up for university just to get wasted every night.” Sam said.

“Oh well, my grades weren’t good enough for me to sign up for college at the time, and I guess it’s too late for me now anyway.”

“Not necessarily.” Gabriel shrugged. “I mean, you don’t see many twenty-five year old freshmen, but that doesn’t mean it’s never happened…”

Dean let out a short laugh. “Yeah, well I’ll have to speak to Lisa about it. I don’t know if she’d be too happy with me surrounded by hot eighteen year olds.” An uncomfortable silence fell over the car and Castiel watched as Dean looked down awkwardly at his hands on the wheel. “Well lucky for me I don’t have to ask for Lisa’s approval anymore.”

***

A couple of hours later they passed a sign depicting a man looking out across the mountains as the sunset, the words “WELCOME TO NEVADA” written big in bold writing across it. And at that moment Castiel really believed that they’d make it to New York and back. And he really believed that the next four weeks would be the best four weeks of his life. One state boarder crossed, seven hours into their trip, and Castiel already felt like he was free – free from college and his boring life and the same old surroundings – and he was only four hundred and eighty-two miles from home.

“First stop, Las Vegas.” Dean smiled as he put his foot down.

Castiel couldn’t help but smile too, as he promised himself to let the old Castiel – the Castiel who went to church on Sunday, who never touched a beer in his life, who always did more than expected of a him (or at least tried to), who always lived by the rules – go.

***

And so they arrived in Las Vegas at quarter to six that evening.

They stopped at the first cheap hotel they came across and quickly grabbed their bags from the back of the Impala before heading inside. It was a three star hotel-casino complex but they decided it would do. Besides, Dean had already given his number to three of the hotel staff before they’d even made it to the check-in desk, so there was no convincing him to stay elsewhere.

They booked two rooms: one for Gabriel, Sam, and Balthazar seeing as they were the ones who _actually_ knew each other, and Castiel and Dean in the other. Castiel didn’t mind that he was sharing with Dean, some older guy who he’d only met that morning, but he would’ve rather shared with Gabriel or Balthazar or _anybody_ he remotely knew. But the decision was made, and while Castiel was pretty sure Dean was slightly disappointed by the sleeping arrangements, he was grateful that he did his best to hide it.

After they dumped their bags in their rooms they decided to head out to get something to eat. The sky was beginning to redden as the sun went down and the air was considerably cooler than it had been on the road earlier that day. It didn’t take them long before they found a chain Italian just down the block from where their hotel was situated, and sitting down on a chair that wasn’t hard leather was a relief for all five of them.

“So…our first night on the road. What are everyone’s plans for tonight?” Dean asked as he swirled an ice cube around his glass of Sprite.

“We were gonna go check out some of the casinos.” Balthazar grinned.

“And pick up a few girls.” Gabriel added

“Ew. Dude, _no_. Not when we’re sharing a room with you.” Sam frowned, his lip curling back slightly in disgust. “No girls.”

“Not even if it’s quick?” Gabriel asked,

“No.”

“Or in the shower?”

“Gabriel, you can fuck as many girls as you like if you’re willing to pay for your _own_ room.” Sam said before taking a sip of his drink.

Dean leant forwards on his elbows. “Well _I’m_ planning on hitting up the bars. What about you, kid?”

Castiel looked up and found that Dean was talking to him. “Me? I don’t know. I’m not old enough to drink or gamble…so there’s not much for me to do here. I was just going to email mom and dad and let them we got here okay.”

“Dude, seriously?”

Castiel shrugged.                                                                                                                     

“If you come with me I’m sure I can get you into any bar in this place.”

Castiel considered this.

“Castiel doesn’t drink.” Gabriel answered for him. “Doesn’t ever wanna upset mommy and always gets home in time for tea. Never let a drop of alcohol pass his lips. Isn’t that right, little brother?”

Sam and Balthazar laughed, but Castiel just shot him a look of disgust – for some reason he felt somewhat humiliated.

“Oh. Well I guess that’s your choice.” Dean said.

“No. I’ll come with you.”

Gabriel frowned. “What? Castiel you’ve never drank a thing in your life.”

“So?”

“Well, it’s just not like you to-”

“I’ll come with you, Dean. Only if you’re sure you can get me into the bars of course.”

***

So Castiel found himself walking down the busy Las Vegas streets towards a bar with a twenty-five year old man he’d only met earlier that day. And he couldn’t help but smile to himself at what his old-self would have to say about this.

“Just go along with everything I say, okay, kid?”

Castiel nodded nervously as Dean slipped an arm around his shoulders. As they neared a fancy looking bar, Dean slipped a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and pulled Castiel closer.

“Come on, at least make it look like we’re friends.” Dean hissed as they stepped towards the bouncers at the door. The sight of them made Castiel doubt that he’d ever get in without ID, no matter what tricks Dean had to pull.

“ID, sir.” The biggest of the two bouncers said, stepping suddenly in front of them both. Castiel felt his hands begin to clam up and he found himself gripping Dean’s jacket tight.

“It’s okay, he’s with me.”

“And who are you, sir?” The bouncer pressed.

Dean pulled his sunglasses off swiftly and placed them in the pocket of his expensive looking shirt, flexing his jaw. “I’m sorry, don’t you know who I am?” Dean frowned.

“I’m sorry sir, I-”

“Listen to this, kid.” Dean laughed. “This guy don’t have a clue who we are.”

Castiel laughed weakly. “What are the chances?”

“It’s me: Dean Winchester. Come on…you musta seen us on the _television at least_ once.” Dean lied. Castiel admired that.

“I…can’t say I ever have, sir.”

“Come on, dude, _think_. HBO? CW? CBS? Not once have you seen me on any of those channels?”

“Oh…you’re that vampire? The one from that show my daughter likes…what’s it called?”

“Vampire Diaries?” Castiel suggested.

“Darn, that’s the one!” The bouncer grinned. “You’re the hot one…and you,” he said excitedly, turning to Castiel, “you’re the moody one.”

“Damn straight!” Dean grinned. “Now, are you gonna let us in or what?”

“My apologies for the confusion, sir. I won’t let it happen again. The bouncer smiled understandingly and stepped aside to let them in. “Enjoy your stay in Vegas.”

“We will.” Castiel smiled politely.

“How I actually managed to pull that off, I have no idea.” Dean muttered as they made their way over to two empty stools at the bar.

***

After Dean had bought Castiel a bottle of his own favourite beer and a couple of shots of vodka for the two to share, the two discovered what a complete lightweight Castiel was. Castiel had consumed not even half the amount Dean had, and was already grinning like a mad man, laughing like a goof up at Dean whenever he spoke like he was a goddamn god or something. And to Castiel, he wasn’t far from that. He was having fun – something he hadn’t really had in a very long time. And even if he was sitting in some bar with a guy he didn’t know who kept buying him alcohol, Dean was as much of a God to him in that moment than any other godforsaken soul had ever been in Castiel’s life, and he was grateful for that, even if his head was spinning so fast he could barely think straight.

“So…what’s your preference?” Dean finally asked once Castiel had consumed his third successful vodka shot.

“My…prefer-ence?” Castiel frowned.

“Yeah…do you prefer guys or girls?” Dean smirked.

“I don’t know, maaaan.” Castiel huffed. “My head’s spinning too fast for me to think about shit like that.”

Dean laughed and pointed to a girl across the bar. “Then, go talk to her. Buy her a drink. I’ll talk to the guy beside her. Got it?”

Castiel nodded uncertainly, and Dean helped him to stand again.

So Castiel got talking to the girl and he bought her a drink, but the guy Dean was talking to seemed more interested in him. And soon enough Castiel had had three more vodka shots, thanks to the guy Dean was trying to chat up, and at the end of the night he could barely speak without feeling like the was going to puke at any given moment.

Then the next thing he knew he was being handed one more drink, and then everything went black from his memory.

***

“How’s the hangover, kid?” Dean called from the bathroom.

Castiel stretched his aching arms and found that he had been lying face-down on his mattress for god-knows-how long.

“I feel…”

“Gross? Yeah, you’ll get used to it.” Dean said.

That was when he noticed that their double beds had been pushed together and the room was more or less trashed. “I don’t remember what happened last night.”

Dean chuckled to himself and appeared in the doorway of the bathroom as he brushed his teeth. “I’m not surprised. I’m pretty sure that guy last night roofied you.”

“He did _what_?”

“He spiked your drink. Roofied it.”

“And you let him?”

“I didn’t know about it until we brought you back here and he suggested a three-way while you were out.”

Castiel suddenly became strikingly aware that he wasn’t wearing the shirt he’d gone out in that night. In fact, he wasn’t wearing a shirt at all. Or jeans. “Wait…did I-”

“No, you didn’t. I didn’t let him. But I will admit to fucking him while you were passed out over there.”

Castiel grimaced and looked around for his clothes.

“Your shirt’s hanging on the balcony if that’s what you’re looking for. You kinda threw up over yourself in the night and I couldn’t just leave you like that.”

“Jeez, thanks.” Castiel muttered. “How about not letting strange guys spike my drink instead.”

Dean raised his hands in defence. “I did do my best to look after you last night.”

Castiel huffed and climbed back under the bed covers, only to find a discarded pair of boxes which he knew certainly didn’t belong to him.

Before Castiel could make a single noise of disgust, Dean walked swiftly over to him and said “Ah, I’ve been looking for those.” as he grabbed them.

There was a knock at the door and all of a sudden Gabriel and Sam burst in, and with one swift glance at the state of the room, Gabriel said, “Looks like you boys had fun last night.”

***

The rest of the guys went down to the hotel’s all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet while Castiel decided that he felt far too hung over to leave his bed for at least another hour and a half. At least it gave Castiel time to sort the room out and restore it to the tidy state it had been before they’d gone out drinking.

 

“Missed you at breakfast.” Dean announced as he returned to the room nearly three hours later, launching a croissant wrapped in a napkin into Castiel’s lap where he was sitting at his computer on his bed. “Thought you might be hungry.”

 “Thanks.” Castiel said, as he brushed the croissant crumbs from his laptop’s keyboard.

“Ready to go out again tonight?” Dean asked casually as he picked up what appeared to be a small polaroid camera from his bed.

“What? No. Not again.”

“Why not? You were having fun ‘till you passed out.”

Castiel huffed.

“Suit yourself.” Dean said. “I was gonna find you someone to hook up with, but-”

“I don’t want to hook up with anyone.”

“Why not?”

“Because. Because I…”

“You’ve never got with a girl before?” Dean asked. “Or a guy?”

Castiel stayed quiet, looking down at his hands on his keyboard.

“Well that’s okay. I’ll make sure I pick you someone who’ll look after you then.”

“I don’t want to have sex with some stranger, _Dean_.” Castiel said. “And if you dare think about trying to set me up somebody again I’ll get the first train back to California.”

Dean sighed. “ _Fine_.”

***

Castiel spent the rest of the day sat around the hotel’s pool with his laptop while the others went out to explore Vegas and check out the casinos. He knew that by staying behind he was converting back to the old Castiel – the Castiel he told himself he didn’t want to be anymore – but the new Castiel made him feel uncomfortable. The new Castiel just wasn’t _him_. And he didn’t mind being alone – he’ spend the whole first year of college at Stanford more or less alone. It just felt normal to him, and in a city six hundred miles from him, normalcy was something he had been craving even though he hadn’t realised it.

Sam, Balthazar and Gabriel returned to the hotel at seven that evening with a take away pizza and no Dean. In fact, nobody had seen Dean for at least four hours and assumed he’d just returned to the hotel. But he hadn’t. And nobody seemed all that concerned about it, which Castiel found to be quite strange. Perhaps Dean was the sort of guy who disappears without warning all the time. Perhaps Sam was used to it and told his friends that it was perfectly normal for him to not return home. And Castiel accepted it; he accepted the fact that maybe some people just don’t live the way he does, and maybe that’s okay.

***

Castiel awoke at three AM to the sound of the door opening, followed by Dean stumbling inside with a girl on each arm. He sat up and rubbed his eyes as Dean directed them to his bed on the other side of the room in a whisper.

“Whoa, stop.” Castiel said, climbing out of bed as fast as his sleep-ridden body would allow him to.

Dean looked up and hissed over to the girls: “Shit, I didn’t think he’d wake up.”

“Get them out of here.” Castiel demanded. “You’re not having sex with them in here.”

“Come on, Cas, I’m paying good money for this service.”

“They’re… _prostitutes_?” Castiel spat.

Dean looked over at Castiel innocently as the girls teased his neck with kisses.

“Get them out of here.”

“We’ll be quick.”

“I don’t care.”

“Just-”

“No.” Castiel said firmly. “And you shouldn’t keep hooking up with strangers. You just broke up with Lisa - don’t you think paying for sex two days after breaking up with your girlfriend is not a little bit low?”

“I can sleep with whoever I want. That’s the point of breaking up – she’s not my girlfriend anymore.”

“Well then I feel sorry for her, that she ever had the unfortunate luck of dating someone like you.” Castiel spat.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re a dick, Dean. You act like a child, fucking anything that shows the slightest bit of interest in you. You’re twenty-five. You need to settle down and grow up.”

“You don’t have to agree with my choice to sleep with strangers. I’m not _asking_ you to agree, kid. Besides, what would you know about relationships? You’ve probably never had a girlfriend in your life – and with a personality like yours I hope you never do.”

Castiel’s breath caught in the back of his throat. He was angry. Seething. And Dean was still determined to bed the prostitutes; he didn’t seem to be giving up. “Fine. I’ll just find somewhere else to sleep.” He spat, grabbing his pillow and a hoodie from the bed, storming fast out the room. He marched down to Gabriel and co.’s room but decided against waking them up. There’d be nowhere for him to sleep and Gabriel would probably just make a joke about the whole situation and shut him out anyway. He felt so pathetic. Like a stupid pitiful little kid.

He sighed and sat down against the wall, willing himself not to cry, and that’s where he fell asleep that night.

***

When Castiel woke the next morning he found that he was not sitting in the hallway where he’d fallen asleep, but back in his bed, tucked neatly under the covers with his hoodie folded neatly in a pile on the chair beside him. He sat up and found Dean packing his things into his backpack and straightening out the room.

“We’re leaving already?”

“Yeah, ‘bout half an hour or so.” Dean said as he picked up his polaroid camera from his bedside table, then placed it in the front pocket of his bag. “Thought I’d let you sleep for a bit though because I felt bad about last night.”

Castiel nodded a little.

“Listen, Cas, Castiel,” Dean said, inviting himself to sit down on the edge of Castiel’s bed. Castiel didn’t look up at him as he spoke. “I shouldn’t have said half the stuff I said to you last night. I don’t know you – you’re probably a great kid, okay? I was drunk. I never would’ve tried to fuck those girls while you were in the room if I was sober, hell, I wouldn’t even hire two prostitutes if I was sober.” Dean laughed weakly. “I know being drunk doesn’t excuse what I said, and you had the right to be angry. I guess I’m just not over Lisa and I thought I was, even after just one day – turns out I was on the rebound, you know, and when you mentioned her last night, I just flipped.”

“You don’t need to explain yourself.” Castiel said, climbing out of bed to grab his clean clothes from where he’d left them neatly folded on the dresser. “I get it.”

“I _want_ to explain myself. I _want_ to apologise, okay? And I want to tell you that you’re right: I do need to grow up. I need to start acting like an adult for once.”

“Act however you want. I’m just a kid, aren’t I?” Castiel muttered as he shut himself in the bathroom to get changed.

Dean walked over to the door and continued to speak through it. “After you left, I got rid of those girls. I didn’t have sex with them. They still demanded the money but I didn’t fuck them. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, I carried you back here, back to your bed. And I know that’s not gonna make up for it, but it’s a start. Like I said: I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. I just don’t want you to think of me as an asshole, especially if we’re gonna be on the road with each other for a month.”

‘Little late for that’ Castiel thought to himself as he pulled on a clean pair of boxers. “ _It’s fine.”_

Dean sighed. “If you’re sure.”


	3. Colorado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be updating for about a week or so because I'm going on holiday until 1st August (I wasn't originally going to post this chapter until Friday/Saturday but I didn't want to just not update for ages without a warning.) Thank you for reading this so far and please comment any feedback or kudos it if you like it or tweet me: @whereareyoucas - any feedback at all is welcome. Thank you!! :)

** Colorado **

After grabbing a donut from the hotel’s breakfast buffet, Castiel met the rest of the guys down in the parking lot with their bags, all ready to move on to the next leg of their journey: Denver, Colorado.

Castiel was relieved to find that he wouldn’t have to sit sandwiched between Gabriel and Balthazar for another painfully long car journey. Instead Balthazar opted to sit in the middle, because he apparently knew the route through Utah to Colorado quite well, and it would be easier for him to give directions from the middle seat. Castiel was glad because sitting at the window meant he could distract himself more easily with the view outside – and whatever the view may be, it would certainly be more interesting than listening to the others discussing their plans upon arrival.

As they left the bright lights of Las Vegas behind, they were once again greeted by the dry desert roads of rural Nevada.

 

A couple of minutes after crossing the border from the tiny portion of Arizona they had to cross into Utah, Dean’s phone began to ring. With one look at the caller ID he put his food down on the gas pedal and pulled up in quickly at a gas station to answer it. He put the phone to his ear and scrambled from the vehicle so fast he nearly forgot to unbuckle his seat belt.

The four left in the car watched in awe as Dean disappeared around the back of the gas station and a silence fell over them.

“Ten bucks says it’s Lisa.” Gabriel muttered.

“Who else would it be?” Sam laughed.

“Maybe some girl he met at a bar in Nevada?” Balthazar suggested.

“Or a guy. He doesn’t discriminate.” Castiel added, and he felt proud of himself as the rest of them laughed.

“Nah. Dean wouldn’t react like that to a phone call if it wasn’t someone important.” Sam said.

 

And twenty minutes later Dean still hadn’t returned to the car, and it was beginning to grow considerably hot due to the Impala’s broken air conditioning.

“That’s it, I need to get out of here.” Gabriel said, hastily climbing out, followed closely by both Balthazar and Castiel. Sam joined them a few moments later. “Anyone want anything? Water? Food?”

“I could really do with some vodka right about now.” Balthazar admitted.

“Vodka? Seriously?” Sam frowned.

“Well if I’m going to be shut up in a car with you lot for the next five hours, I’ll need something to help put me to sleep.”

“You’re _supposed_ to be helping with the directions.” Castiel said.

“Fine – it seems I’ll need something with caffeine if you’re making me stay awake for the whole journey.” Balthazar said. “Anyone else want anything from the gas station?”

“I’ll get us a couple of bottles of water.” Gabriel decided.

“And I’ll stay with the car.” Sam said.

Everybody seemed to have forgotten that Castiel was there, so he decided to head off round the back of the gas station in search for Dean.

Behind the gas station there were numerous empty crates stacked on top of each other, strewn carelessly across the whole place. There was litter circulating around in the almost non-existent breeze, and the air seemed to be thicker with dust back here, not to mention the overwhelming stench of rotten vegetables and piss that sat heavy in Castiel’s lungs.

Just as he was about to leave he spotted Dean sitting with his head in his hands upon one of the crates, and he realised he had two options: 1) leave before Dean looks up and spots him, or 2) ask him if he was alright. Castiel decided on the first option; whatever Dean was upset about was certainly none of his business.

He took a step backwards to leave, but found himself stepping into a crate which scraped loudly against the dirt floor. Dean looked up and Castiel raised his hands a little in defence.

“Sorry, I was only coming to see where you were.”

Dean smiled a little. “It’s fine.”

“I’ll…just get back to the car.”

“No, it’s okay.” He said sadly. “You can stay if you want.”

Castiel considered this. Dean looked upset and he didn’t really know what he’d be supposed to say if he stayed. “The others are probably wondering where I am…”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere, kid. It’s not as if they’re gonna worry about you getting lost when the land is dead flat and you can see just about anything in front of you for at least the next hundred miles.”

Castiel blinked a few times in defeat before taking a few more steps towards Dean and sitting down carefully on a crate a metre or so away from him. “I’m guessing that was Lisa on the phone, then.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah. I thought she was calling to get back with me.” He paused. “But she just wanted to know why I do the things I do. You know, like fuck everything up and get wasted every night.”

“You don’t fuck everything up, Dean.”

“Don’t I?” Dean laughed. “Well you obviously don’t know me very well. I’m poison. I ruin everything I touch. Hell, I’d only known you half a day and I somehow managed to persuade you – the kid who’d never touched booze _or_ a girl in his life – to get pissed with me. Can’t you see? I’m bad for everyone.”

“It wasn’t that bad. It was actually quite fun.”

“Kid, you got _roofied_.”

Castiel shrugged. “Well I don’t remember that part.”

“And then there’s that shit from last night-”

“Dean, I don’t care about last night, okay? I don’t care about it at all. The only thing I care about right now is getting to Denver.”

“Denver won’t make everything okay.”

“I know that. But we’ll be somewhere new, over a thousand miles from home. We won’t have to think about all the stuff that happened back on Vegas, or whatever reason Lisa could possibly have to not want to be with you anymore. None of it will even matter.” Castiel said, kicking a can with the edge of his shoe.

“None of it will matter until I get another call from Lisa, or another creep slips a roofie into your drink again and I’m too wasted to look after you this time. Distance won’t fix everything; it just feels like running away.”

“Distance won’t fix anything, you’re right.” Castiel sighed. “But moving on will.”

Dean stayed silent for a few moments and stood up suddenly. “How am I supposed to move on from Lisa when I still…I still…when I still _love_ her.”

Dean said that word with such disgust, and Castiel wondered what sort of taste it left in his mouth. It’s funny, isn’t it, how something so special to some can be the catalyst that leads to the desperation of others?

“Then just tell her that, Dean. Tell her you still love her.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just _can’t_ , okay?” He said, carefully sitting back down on his crate.  “One day you’ll understand why it’s so hard to say those three words and sound like you mean it.”

“Maybe one day I will,” Castiel said quietly. “But there’s still nothing stopping you from saying it to her today.”

 

Once Dean and Castiel had returned to the car they set off back on the road to Denver pretty quickly, and nobody asked any questions about the phone call Dean had received. The radio stayed off, however, and the mood in the car was one at a level that boarded on uncomfortable. It was as if Dean was waiting for one more mention of the ‘L’ word before he had a reason to kick off. Castiel knew Dean wanted to kick off, let it all out, but he knew that Dean was too proud to act that way in front of other people even if his self-pride was really just an act.

After they reached Colorado they had lunch at a small café a couple miles from Denver and were back on the road pretty quickly. And at five they checked into another cheap hotel and ordered room service to bring two large pizzas up to their rooms. Castiel was stuck with Dean again, but this time they were joined by Balthazar who seemed to effortlessly lighten the mood (of which Castiel was hugely grateful for). But with the addition of Balthazar in the room meant Castiel found himself ignored. He understood that Dean and Balthazar had a lot more in common with each other than Castiel had with anybody on the trip, but he did wish that they’d at least _try_ and include him in the conversation, even if it was about marijuana and porn.

So Castiel retired to the balcony while the others went and hung out in the room that Gabriel and Sam were staying in, and sat at his laptop looking out at the view. Every time he’d try and focus on the blank email addressed to his parents back home in Boston, he’d be distracted by the sound of the other guys’ laughter from next door. He wanted to tell his mom and dad that he was having a nice time on the road with his brother’s friends, but in that exact moment it wasn’t quite true. In fact he found it hard to think of a time since he’d left Stanford that he would be happy to recall. Of course there was that first night in Vegas, but that ended up in him getting his drink spiked by a guy that was trying to make a pass at him – the same guy that Dean later ended up fucking while Castiel was passed out in the same room. He was sure his parents wouldn’t want to hear about that.

And the longer he sat there listening to the others talking and joking in the other room, the more it became apparent to him that he wasn’t needed on the trip. Gabriel had said that he was being forced to come to help with directions, but he hadn’t looked at a single map in days. He was only on the trip because there was an empty seat to fill in Dean’s Impala, and who better to bring than Gabriel’s pathetic little brother?

After staring at a blank email for nearly an hour he closed his laptop and leant against the balcony railings, looking out at the way the sun set behind the mountains that acted as a barricade for the city and whatever lay beyond. There was so much happening within the city below, so many lights and cars and real people, but Castiel was just stuck up in a hotel room looking down at it all. The longer he listened to the city sounds, the more he began to think about what it must be like down there amidst it all; somebody would fall in love down there tonight; somebody would receive the news that they were a brother or father or grandmother; somebody would have their first kiss, or hold hands with somebody they cared about for the first time, or tell somebody they love them.

And Castiel wasn’t a part of it. He wished he was.

But, really, what was stopping him? A couple of flights of stairs? Anxiety of the unknown, fear of experiencing something new? Not wanting to let go of the old Him for good?

The next thing he knew he was grabbing his jacket, heading out of his door.

 

The city sounds were much louder down on street-level than they had been from his fifteenth-floor hotel room. The lights were brighter too, and he could see every face for what they really were down here, every individual person in their individual lives. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and kept his head down low as he followed a rowdy group of men into a small dank-looking bar a couple of blocks away from the hotel. He managed to slip inside with the group without being asked for ID, not that the bouncers seemed to particularly care who or what was entering the bar, because it was late – about eleven – and it seemed like the night was only just beginning.

This bar wasn’t brightly lit with fancy colour-changing lights like the one back in Vegas had been. This bar was dark and gloomy, and a thick smoke hung heavy in the air as too-loud music blared from what seemed like every corner of the place; the floor was sticky and the bar girls’ seemed to be wearing, well…they seemed to be wearing not much at all.

Just as he was about to sit down at an empty table at a far corner of building, two women stumbled over to him and took him by the arms, leading him to a spot at the bar. They were both not the sort of people Castiel pictured himself spending the night with – short dresses, thick blonde back-combed hair that stunk of stale beer with faces caked in tacky make up - but they seemed friendly anyway, even if they did appear to be in their late forties. Besides, he didn’t have the heart to walk away from them when they’d willingly bought him a beer.

“So, what’s ya name, sweetie?” The one with the blue eye-shadow asked, leaning so far across him he could nearly see all the way down her top. He tried not to look, he didn’t want to look, but her she seemed to dominate most of his visual space and he had no other choice.

“Castiel.” He swallowed nervously, looking over at the girl to his right who _wasn’t_ forcing him to look at her boobs.

“Well, _Castiel_ ,” the girl to his right smiled, flashing a set of yellowing mis-matched teeth, “My friend Cindy over here likes the look of ya. What do ya say?”

Castiel looked back at Cindy, the lady with the blue eye-shadow. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Let’s just get the awkward questions out of the way,” Cindy grinned. “How much do you charge?”

“Charge? For what?”

Both ladies laughed a deep, husky laugh.

 “Sandy, isn’t he just the sweetest thing?” Cindy smiled.

“Don’t worry, darl’, we’re not cops. You can check us for wires if you want.” The lady to his right, Sandy, winked.

“I’m…I’m not a, _you know_ …” Castiel said quietly.

“Honey, ya don’t have to play innocent with us, alright? Cindy here just wants to have a good time and she’s willing to pay whatever price you ask for.”

“I just want a piece of this.” Cindy whispered, breath too hot in his ear, grabbing his crotch suddenly through his jeans. Castiel’s knee jerked suddenly hard against the bar and he found himself frozen with fear.

“I’m not _selling_ myself.” Castiel said. “And if you wouldn’t mind removing your hand from my…”

Cindy moved her hand and smiled understandingly. “How old are you, sugar?”

“Eighteen.” Castiel replied.

“By God, he’s just a kid.” Sandy gasped.

“I’m sorry, honey. If I’d known you was so young I never would’a come onto ya like that.” Cindy said.

“It’s fine.” Castiel smiled weakly. “Really, it’s fine.”

“What’s a sweet lil kid like you even doin’ in a place like this?” Sandy asked seriously.

“He’s obviously not from around here.” Cindy said to her friend.

“’Course he’s not.” Sandy replied. “Anyone from this town would know that this isn’t the place for a kid like him.”

“I’m here on a road trip with my brother and his college friends. We’re heading to New York City.” Castiel explained. “But I got bored in my hotel room all alone so I came here.”

“Well if you’re lookin’ to spend your evening in this place you’re gonna have to stick with us, alright? Wouldn’t want anyone to take advantage of ya – I know a few who would.” Cindy said.

“We’ll look after ya.”

“Thank you.” Castiel said. “But I think I should just leave.”

“Oh no! Sweetie, you only just got here!” Sandy laughed. “Let us at least buy you another drink and introduce you to someone your own age. You came here to have a good time, right?”

“Fine.” Castiel sighed. “ _One_ drink.”

 

An hour and three beers later, Castiel found himself sitting on a grubby leather sofa in the far corner of the bar with a nice twenty-five year old girl named Dolly. She was Cindy’s daughter…or Sandy’s…Castiel couldn’t quite remember. But she was nice and laughed at every stupid thing that came out of Castiel’s drunken mouth and he was very grateful for that.

“So, we gonna get outta this place or what?” She purred in his ear. Her breath stunk of tobacco but he didn’t mind, he liked the way it made the hairs on his arms stand on end. She kissed his neck and his skin erupted in goosebumps.

“I’m sorry, what?” He breathed. “Where would we go?”

“Back to my place?” She suggested, slipping a finger under the waist band of his jeans. “I have a double bed and a couple lines ready for us on the kitchen counter.”

“Whaaat.” Castiel slurred. “Lines of whaaat?”

She leaned in closer. “Snow.”

“Snow? But it’s _summer_.” Castiel giggled. “You don’t get snow in summer, and what’s it doing in your _bath_ room?”

“Not literal snow.” She laughed, biting at his earlobe. “ _Coke_.”

Castiel gasped. “You mean coke, like, _cocaine_?”

She nodded and slipped her whole hand into Castiel’s pants, to which he suddenly pushed her away.

“I can’t do that.” He said quickly.

“Do what? Coke? You don’t have to do that, just come home with me. I wanna see what’s under those clothes.” She teased again, this time with a finger down his chest.

“No, I mean, I can’t come home with you. I don’t _want_ to.” He said, slowly climbing to his feet. “And I don’t want to do coke either.”

“Why not? You got a girlfriend?” She asked suddenly standing up.

Castiel stood up too and backed away from her. “No.”

“Then what is it? Why won’t you come home with me?” She spat. People turned to look and the bar began to fall silent. “What is it?”

“I just don’t want to.” Castiel said innocently, his head was spinning and he could barely focus on her face anymore. He didn’t want to be standing there in a bar full of strangers, face to face with a girl who was trying to force him into sleeping with her.

“Why? Are you a fag? Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Don’t you _dare_ call me that.” Castiel spat.

“Well it must be true.” Dolly spat. “You didn’t get the slightest bit turned on when I touched you. Not even a lil bit.”

Cindy appeared at her daughter’s side, a group of other women behind her too. “You upsettin’ my daughter, kid?”

“Nah, mommy, he’s just a fag is all.”

“I think it’s time ya left.” Sandy said.

“I was just on my way out.” Castiel said quickly turning on his heel.

 

He walked fast down the sidewalk back towards his hotel – as fast as he could with a head spinning like his was – but found that he was finding it hard to keep his thoughts together. The only thing he could think of was Dolly back at the bar calling him a ‘fag’, and it seemed to hurt him more than it did when the word had followed him round everywhere he went when he was in high school back in Boston. There was a reason he had decided to follow his brother across the continent to go to college, and that reason may have had a lot to do with needing to escape that word.

The spinning in his head began to grow unbearable and he found himself losing balance. But before he hit the ground he felt somebody catch him, a pair of hands at each arm holding him up, and when he opened his eyes he half expected to see a bunch of guys from the bar ready to beat him for upsetting Dolly.

“Cas? _Dude_ , we’ve been looking everywhere for you.” 

“ _Dean_?” Castiel breathed. Gabriel was at his other arm. “ _Gabe_?”

He looked back to see Sam and Balthazar running quickly towards them.

“What are you doing, Castiel?” Gabriel asked as he helped Dean carry the younger boy back down to the hotel. “Dean went to check if you were okay and you were gone. It’s three AM. We were worried sick.”

“I’m sorry.” Castiel mumbled, letting them carry most of his weight.

“Sorry? You should try telling that to mom.”

“You called mmmom?”

“Of course I did! I’d lost my little brother in a city a thousand miles from home – what else was I going to do? I was worried as hell – we searched all over the city. What if you’d been killed? Or kidnapped? Mom had the right to know that you were missing, and you can call her when we get back to the hotel explaining everything that happened.”

“Give it a rest Gabe.” Dean sighed as the five of them piled into the elevator of their hotel. “We’ll sort this out in the morning. He just needs to rest. He’s in no state to talk to anybody right now – not you, not anybody.”

Once they reached their floor, Dean mumbled, “I’ll take care of him from here.” And scooped him up into his arms to carry him back to the room (Castiel was glad because he could’ve sworn he’d lost the ability to move his legs). Balthazar unlocked the door to their room and then pulled back the blankets of Castiel’s bed in order for Dean to lay him down. Castiel kicked off his shoes and rolled over to face the wall without a word as Dean pulled the blankets back over him.

“Thank you.” Castiel mumbled, and he wasn’t even sure if Dean could hear.

Dean just smiled sadly and placed a glass of water on his bedside table. “Drink lots of water. It will help with the hangover in the morning.”

Castiel closed his eyes and nodded briefly. He felt Dean touch his head once, and then he was fast asleep in his bed as if nothing had happened and everything was fine inside his head. It wasn’t – not after everything he’d just experienced in the bar anyway – but how was anybody to know that when Castiel didn’t even know that yet himself?

 

He woke up in an empty room, but as Castiel gathered his thoughts Balthazar stepped out of the bathroom drying his hair with a towel.

“How’s the hangover?” Balthazar asked as he stepped out onto the balcony and quickly hung his towel over the railings to dry.

Castiel blinked a few times and grimaced at the dull ache at the front of his head. “Not as bad as I thought it would be.”

Balthazar laughed a little. “Well just keep drinking water and get some rest. You should be fine in a few hours.”

“Where’s Dean?”

“He’s gone out to get you some food. It’s two in the afternoon…he thought you might be hungry when you woke up.”

 

Castiel hung out on his hotel room’s balcony eating the burger Dean had bought for him while the others sat around in the room behind him. He didn’t really feel like laughing or joking or even smiling for that matter, so he wasn’t too bothered about sitting on his own. Besides, the air was cooler out on the balcony and it eased his headache a little.

Just as the blue of the sky behind the mountains began to fade to gold somebody slid the balcony back and stepped out into the cool evening air. Something inside Castiel’s head kind of hoped it was Dean – he seemed to be the only person to actually give a damn about him after last night – but it wasn’t.

“How are you feeling, little brother?”

“I’m fine, Gabe.” Castiel said.

“Come on kid, we both know that’s not quite true.” Gabriel said, taking a seat beside him. “I thought Dean was a bad influence on you after that first night in Vegas, but after what happened last night I’m not so sure anymore.”

Castiel ignored him. “Why did you even invite me on this stupid trip? I’m sure you had other friends who would’ve been willing to come instead of me. And don’t tell me it’s because you needed someone to read the maps because I think we both know that’s not true.”

Gabriel paused for a long moment before shifting in his seat to face his little brother. “Honestly? You’re here because mom asked me to take you with us.”

Castiel laughed. “Why would she do that? And why would you _agree_?”

“Well I guess she was worried about you, and I guess I was too – that’s why I agreed to invite you.”

“Why would she worry about _me_? _You’re_ the one who spends all the money mom sends you for college supplies on alcohol and petty drugs.”

“You used to have a lot of friends back in Boston, and then half way through your sophomore year of high school you started coming home from school covered in cuts and bruises. You never talked to mom or dad about it, and that was strange because you used to talk to dad about _everything_ , and mom would always be the first person you turned to. You stopped meeting your friends, stopped talking about them all together, you barely left your room. Mom and dad were worried. And, believe it or not, _I_ was worried.”

Castiel kicked his feet and sighed.

“Mom and dad were so happy when you applied for college. They were even happier when you applied for Stanford because they knew I’d be there to look after you if you needed me. Mom thought that maybe you’d make new friends in college, but you didn’t. You just stayed alone. You refused to return to Boston for summer. Why are you always so content with just being alone? What are you hiding from?”

Castiel wiped a tear from his cheek with his sleeve. He didn’t feel like talking - especially not to Gabriel.

“I agreed for you to come with me on this trip because I wanted to see you smile for once. You’re my little bro,” Gabriel smiled putting an arm around his brother’s shoulders, “I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” Castiel lied.

“You’ve always been an appalling liar.” Gabriel smiled.

“I just don’t want to be myself anymore.”

Gabriel looked at him and Castiel could’ve sworn the world just stopped spinning. “Well that’s something we can work through together, okay? You don’t need to go out alone to dodgy bars in the middle of Denver for that. But let’s forget about everything for a moment, okay? Dean’s got pie and Balthazar is loading his Mamma Mia DVD into the TV. We can’t start the film without you.”

Dean stuck his head out onto the Balcony. “Are you guys coming? Balthazar won’t stop talking about Meryl Streep and I think the only thing we can do to shut him up is press play.”

Castiel wiped his eyes again and laughed.

Gabriel smiled over at his little brother and shrugged, following Dean back into the room. “Looks like we’re needed.”

Castiel sighed happily and followed too.

***

 “Dammit, Balthazar, I’ve had Dancing Queen stuck in my head for twelve hours now. I’m holding you entirely accountable for whatever actions I may take to stop the pain.” Dean sighed as the five of them strolled down the streets of Denver towards a small diner one of the hotel staff had suggested.

“Shut up, Meryl Streep is a goddess.” Balthazar spat.

“I’m actually starting to doubt my masculinity all because you forced us to watch that stupid film.”  Sam frowned.

Gabriel reached up to place a hand on Sam’s shoulder, realised he couldn’t quite reach, and settled on his lower back. “We all started doubting your masculinity as soon as you starting singing Gimme Gimme Gimme without missing a word.”

“What? I’d maybe had _one_ too many beers.” Sam said in defence.

“ _Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight_.” Dean mocked, hand on hip.

Castiel laughed.

“Don’t listen to them, Sam. You rocked it.” Balthazar said, putting an arm around his friend’s shoulders. “They just don’t understand how much of a piece of cinematic gold that film really is.”

 

As they turned a corner, Castiel recognised a group of people standing there a couple of metres away. It was Cindy, Dolly, and a group of men he vaguely remembered seeing back at the bar from the night before. He kept his head down and stepped between Sam and Dean, hoping they’d be enough to keep him out of sight.

“HEY! Look, mommy. It’s Castiel – that lil fag from last night.” Dolly spat.

Castiel froze and so did the rest of the group.

“Excuse me, what did you just say to him?” Gabriel spat at the girl.

“Don’t you dare talk to my daughter like that.” Cindy said, stepping up to face him.

“Hey, hey, hey. Let’s not get into a situation we don’t want to be in.” Dean said, pulling Gabriel away from her by his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go.”

Just as they turned to walk away one of the men grabbed Castiel by the arm. “Did you upset my lil girl last night?”

“No, I-”

“Don’t lie to me, kid.” The man spat, stepping closer so they were nearly nose to nose. Castiel could smell the alcohol in his breath and it made his stomach churn. “You lead her on, didn’t ya? But then ya turned out to be a little faggot.”

“Hey, get your filthy hand off him.” Dean said.

“Make me.” The man hissed.

“Oh, I will, sugar.” Dean growled.

“Go on then - hit me. Are you gonna save your disgusting little boyfriend or do you not want to dirty your pretty little hand?”

“I wouldn’t talk to my brother like that.” Sam warned. “He’s not the sort of person you want to cross when you make him angry.”

“My daddy once smashed every tooth outta a man’s mouth with just one blow.” Dolly bragged. “He’s not the sort of person you’d want to cross either.”

“We’ll see about that.” Dean said simply, and then he drew back a punch and smashed him square in the nose. With a pop in his nose and a splatter of blood across the pavement, man fell back into his wife and released his grip on Castiel’s arm instantly.

“RUN!” Dean demanded, grabbing Castiel by the arm as the five of them began to sprint down the pavement.

Castiel could barely find the words to thank him with sheer amount of adrenaline pumping round his body as they ran. Just as they thought they were clear from any danger they heard the shouts men following angrily after them. Castiel looked back to see the man with the burst nose, blood running down his face over his shirt, absolutely seething with anger, with three other men tailing behind him a couple of blocks away. Castiel knew they wouldn’t catch up with them before they got back to the hotel, and a small smile crept onto his face.

“Down the alley. GO!” Dean ordered.

The five of them piled down the alley way and followed it to the very end where they found a car park – the staff car park of the hotel they were staying in.

Sam leant against the brick wall panting. “Holy shit, Dean.”

Dean paced back and forth clutching his blood stained fist. “That felt so goddamn good.”

“I guess we’re not getting breakfast this morning, then.” Gabriel said with his hands on his knees. Castiel closed his eyes and tried to steady his heart beat but he was still buzzing from the thrill of it all.

“You okay, Cassie?” Balthazar asked.

Castiel nodded.

“I think we better grab our bags and get the hell out of this city.” Dean suggested. “We don’t want another run in with Popeye the Sailor man and his crew.”

“Good call.” Sam said. “I think we should head down to Colorado Springs and for tonight and hit the road again for Kansas in the morning.”

“There’s no point heading south.” Balthazar said. “I say we head east until we find a small town to stay in for the night.”

“Good plan.” Gabriel said. “So, East?”

“East.” Agreed Dean.

 

So they quickly checked out of their hotel and hit the road heading east. Half an hour out of Denver they stopped off at a small diner for breakfast, then carried on for another hour-or-so until they came to a small town with a two-star motel on it’s outskirts.

They bought a couple of sandwiches from a local grocery store and sat in a nice little park to eat them. The grass was pretty dead and there weren’t many people about but it was just nice to sit and appreciate being so far from home, just the four of them, in a town they didn’t even know existed until they passed it on the interstate.

“You alright?” Dean asked Castiel from where he was lying in the grass looking up at the cloudless sky.

Castiel looked over at him from where he was sitting about a meter away and smiled. “Yeah.”

“Listen, that guy back in Denver was a jerk. Whatever he said to you was bullshit. Did you even know him?”

“I believe his daughter wanted me to go home with her last night. When I said I didn’t want to, she called me ‘fag’ and told me to leave. She was still pretty upset about it this morning, I guess.” Castiel explained.

“Yeah? Well I’m glad you didn’t go home with her. She didn’t look like the sort of person I’d want you hooking up with. Besides her dad was a dick.”

“You’re right about that.” Castiel smiled. He looked over at where Gabriel and the others were sitting with their backs to them, and moved closer to Dean. “Thank you for punching that asshole, by the way. I didn’t get to thank you earlier.”

Dean propped himself up on his elbow and smiled a sort of side-ways smile as he squinted in the sun. “No problem, kid. He didn’t have the right to talk to you like that. You may be annoying sometimes, but you’re not _that_ bad.”

Castiel smiled to himself. “Speaking of annoying people, did you sort things out with Lisa in the end?”

Dean shook his head. “Nah. I called her like you said I should and we talked…but we decided it was officially over between us.”

“I thought you loved her?”

“I thought I did too. But when I tried to tell her I loved her, when I tried to mean it…well…I guess the feeling was just gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“It’s okay. I still miss her, Ben too, but in the end we just weren’t good together.” He lay back in the grass again. “I don’t need her though. Not right now, anyway. Right now the only thing I care about in this moment is the six pack of beer waiting for me back in our motel room fridge.”

Castiel laughed. “Well I’m glad you’ve figured your priorities.”

 

They returned to the motel later that evening with burgers for dinner, because Dean was “sick to death of goddamn pizza” even though that was something he “never thought he’d say out loud.”

Castiel fell asleep in his bed at twelve and woke again four hours later to the sound of the door shutting loudly. He stretched and rubbed his eyes, and switched on the lamp beside his bed to find that Dean’s bed was now empty. Castiel frowned and climbed from his bed and slipped on a hoodie. He looked over at Dean’s bed in search of a note or something detailing where the hell he was going at that time of night, but there was nothing. Nothing at all.

He walked over to the window and carefully pulled back the curtain to see if he could catch sight of him, but he was gone. And the Impala was gone too. He sighed and sat down on the sofa at the side of the room as he internally debated with himself whether or not to wake the others in their room and inform them of Dean’s sudden disappearance. In the end he decided against it and switched on the TV. Instead he decided to sit and wait until Dean returned, if he ever would.


	4. Kansas (part 1)

** Kansas **

The next morning he woke to the sound of Dean singing along to Mambo No. 5 on the radio in the shower, back in his own bed again. He quickly dressed himself in the same Jeans and shirt from the day before, and grabbed a bottle of water from the mini-fridge as he waited patiently for Dean to leave the bathroom.

Dean stepped out of the bathroom humming happily to himself in nothing but a towel, and to be honest it took Castiel by surprise.

“Ah! Cas, you’re awake.”

“Uh, hello, Dean.” Castiel said awkwardly, desperately trying to look anywhere but the perfectly smooth skin of Dean’s damp chest. “Where did, uh…where did you go last night?”

“Nowhere important – I just don’t think I should return to Denver for at least ten years if I want to leave with my life.” He laughed to himself as he picked out clean clothes from his backpack, smoothing out his creased shirts against the mattress of his bed like it would make any difference. “The question _I’m_ wondering is why do you keep falling asleep in places you shouldn’t? First the hallway in Vegas…then the arm chair. We have beds for a reason, you know.”

“Wait…what? You went back to Denver last night?”

“Yeah, but that’s not-”

“Why?”

“I had a couple of things to take care of, is all.” He said dismissively. “But anyway, you’re gonna get a bad back if you don’t sleep on a proper mattress.”

“Dean-”

“And sleeping in an armchair is uncomfortable as fu-”

“ _DEAN_!”

Dean stopped and looked over at him. “ _What_?”

 “Why did you go back to Denver? We left there for a reason.”

“I know. And now that reason is taken care of. Would you stop asking questions and let me get dressed? I’d kinda like to get out of this damned state as soon as possible if you don’t mind.” Dean said. And then he grabbed his clothes and returned to the bathroom.

 

They set off for Lawrence, Kansas, at nine that morning, which meant they would arrive at the Winchester family home in time for dinner. Dean drove quickly and with the music blaring loud, which gave them a false sense of freedom on the confines of the interstate they were stuck following.

Castiel sat at the window again and sat in silence while he remembered how the landscape had changed from the desert highways of California to the rocky landscape of Nevada and now the flat farmlands of Kansas. It was like every new state they travelled through was a new country discovered, and it made Castiel’s head spin just thinking about it. Dean sang loud above the music and whenever his voice quietened or the song ended he felt a brief sense of longing that he didn’t quite understand. It was like the world didn’t seem right in those moments when Castiel couldn’t hear Dean’s voice and, when Castiel wondered why, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

They arrived in Lawrence, Kansas just as the sky began to grow golden. The moon waited patiently in the evening sky and the air felt a lot cooler than it had earlier in the day. All five of them were grateful to reach the Winchester household nonetheless, and they were greeted by a pretty blonde-haired lady with Dean’s face named Mary and a dark haired man named John from whom Castiel could tell both brothers had acquired the dark look in their eyes.

Mary greeted all five of the boys with a hug while John disappeared off to set the table for dinner in the dining room.

“Boys! Gosh, it’s been a long time since we last saw you both.” Mary sighed as she gave each of her sons one more hug. “Sam, honey, please introduce us to your friends!”

“This is Gabriel and Balthazar, my roommates from college.” Sam smiled.

Dean stepped forwards and put an unnecessary arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “And this is Castiel, Gabriel’s younger brother. He also attends Stanford.”

“Well it’s lovely to meet you all. I haven’t shut up about your visit for weeks, your father is probably sick of hearing it.” Mary laughed.

“I’m sure dad is just as thrilled to see us as you are.” Dean said coldly. “I mean, he was so enthusiastic to greet us that he had to stay back in the kitchen to contain himself.”

“Dean, _don’t_.” Sam warned.

“Your father _is_ excited for your visit.” Mary sighed. “He just doesn’t quite know how to express himself sometimes.”

***

They dumped their bags in the hallway and made their way into the dining room for dinner, all sitting around the table as Mary placed a fresh cooked plate of beef stew before each of them.

“So, Dean, how’s Lisa?” John asked casually once Mary had taken her place beside him.

“Uh, we broke up, actually. Five days ago. Things hadn’t been working out for a while now…” Dean said awkwardly.

“Oh!” Mary sighed. “I liked Lisa. She was such a lovely girl.”

“I know.” Dean replied. “But it was probably for the best.”

“What about you, Sam?” John asked. “How are things with you and Jess?”

Sam looked up at his father awkwardly. “Actually, we broke up too. Nearly seven months ago.”

“Of course you’d probably know that if you actually read the emails Sam sends you every week.” Dean spat.

“Dean, please don’t ruin this dinner.” Mary sighed. “We’ve both missed you a lot since you moved all the way to California – let’s not have a repeat of last time we tried to have a civil meal together, okay?”

The room fell silent and Castiel watched as John moved a piece of beef around his plate with his fork. Sam kept his head down and Gabriel and Balthazar just carried on eating as if nothing was happening.

“Cas, would you like another drink?” Dean asked, picking up Castiel’s already-full glass.

“No thank y-”

“I’ll just go refill your glass. Won’t be a second.” Dean smiled sarcastically as he swiftly left the room.

“ _Miserable little git_.” John muttered before taking a sip of beer.

“John, _don’t_.” Mary sighed.

They continued the meal in an awkward silence broken only by occasional small talk; questions about college and their trip so far. Dean didn’t return for the rest of the meal, and when Sam went out into the kitchen to look for him he was gone. They all passed on desert and decided to head into the living room to watch a movie instead; all of them except for John and Dean. In fact, John had decided to hit up his local bar instead of engaging in any more half-assed conversation with the son he hadn’t seen in nearly a year. Dean on the other hand had apparently disappeared, and again, nobody seemed all that bothered.

Castiel got bored of ‘Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events’ shortly after Balthazar had admitted that he only wanted to watch it for Meryl Streep, and excused himself to the bathroom.

He followed Sam’s directions to ‘the door opposite the top of the stairs’, but before he managed to step inside and switch on the light, he noticed light escaping from another room at the very end of the hallway.

Slowly he made his way towards the light at the end of the hallway and peeked through the gap. Inside he saw Dean sitting on the end of a freshly made bed, holding what looked like a small plastic batman figure in his hand, smiling sadly.

He looked so vulnerable and honest, something Castiel learned was hard to see when you looked at Dean. He always held up these barriers to keep people from seeing the sensitive, _broken_ side of him. Castiel knew that he wasn’t as strong as he made out to be; it didn’t take a genius to work that out, especially not once he’d seen him sitting alone round the back of a run-down gas station on the verge of breaking down. He just wished that Dean would stop hiding behind the false security of alcohol and meaningless sex. He just wished that Dean could be Dean.

Castiel stepped backwards to walk away but the floorboards creaked loudly, and before he knew it Dean was swinging the door open with a face rid of any emotion he’d been showing just seconds before. But once he realised it was Castiel, his face instantly softened and he even managed to crack a smile.

“Cas?”

“I’m sorry; I was just looking for the bathroom. I guess I got, uh, lost. I didn’t mean to disturb you…I’ll just leave now…”

“Come, sit down with me.”

“With…you?” Castiel coughed awkwardly.

Dean nodded with a quick laugh. “Let me show you my room.”

“Your…room?”

“Dammit, Cas, just come in, okay?” Dean laughed, taking him by the arm and gently pulling him inside.

The room was pretty empty; the walls were bare, decorated in peeling wall paper covered in blue-tac marks from where posters had once existed; and any possessions that had once lived on the bookshelf where now packed up into carelessly stacked boxes marked ‘trash’.

“Was this your room?” Castiel asked quietly, looking round at the sheer emptiness of it all. Even the bed sheets didn’t look right.

Dean nodded. “Yeah. But last time I was here it was exactly how I’d left it when I moved to California with Sammy. Guess they’re trying to say they don’t want me back by throwing out all my childhood shit.”

Castiel picked up the batman figure Dean had been holding before and sad down slowly. “I’m sure that’s not the reason, Dean. They probably just assumed you didn’t want any of your stuff anymore now that you’ve moved out.”

Dean laughed and sat down on the bed beside him. “Nah, I doubt that. I just…I…I guess now I really have nowhere to go.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, back in California I lived in Lisa’s apartment. I met her while I was still looking for a house after moving from Kansas so I ended up just moving into her place. It’s officially over between us now so it’s not as if I can just go back and keep living with her. For all I know she’s already found a new boyfriend.” Dean sighed. “And if mom and dad don’t want me here anymore, well…I have nowhere. I haven’t got a job so I can’t afford a place of my own. Sammy’s got the maximum amount of people living in his apartment that his land lord will allow. I only have my damned car.”

“I’m sure you have other people you could move in with until you get back on your feet. Other friends back in California? Or here in Kansas?”

“I have no friends back in Cali. Everyone I know there is a friend of Lisa’s. And here? Most my friends here have grown up and started a family, a wife, a mortgage and a couple of dogs, or whatever. There’s nowhere for me anymore.”

“That’s not true, Dean.” Castiel said, looking down at the batman figure in his hand. “If they were your friends they’d be happy to let you stay for a while. At least until you got your life back together.”

“But that’s the problem: what life? I don’t _want_ a job, or a mortgage, or any of that shit. I just want to keep living the way I’m living now…but that’s no life at all, is it? You said it yourself: I need to grow up. But what if I don’t want to grow up? What if I just want to be me?”

Castiel placed the batman figure in Dean’s lap and looked up at him. “Then we’ll find a way to make that work for you.”

And so they sat there. Just the two of them. And Castiel thought that it was funny how Dean was so desperate to be himself when Castiel could barely stand the thought of being himself at all.

After a while of sitting in silence just thinking, Dean got up and placed a large cardboard box of cassette tapes on the bed and began to refile through them. Castiel sat opposite him and listened as Dean explained why he liked the songs and which were his favourites and which were ‘ _the band’s lowest fucking point, goddammit that album is the musical equivalent of nails on a chalkboard_.’ Sam walked into the room half an hour later concerned that Castiel had gotten lost on the way to the bathroom, then even more concerned that he could hear Dean _actually laughing_ when he’d made it to the top of the stairs.

“What the hell?” Sam laughed as he stepped into the room to find Castiel and Dean sat opposite each other on the bed surrounded by a mountain of old cassette tapes. “What’s going on?”

“Cas,” Dean breathed between laughter, “is just telling me about Gabriel’s favourite musicians. Were you aware that your best friend’s first concert was a Spice Girls reunion show?”

“What…I…” Sam frowned.

“Well it’s true.” Dean laughed.

“He won’t admit it but it’s true.” Castiel said. “His favourite song has been ‘Wannabe’ ever since he was fifteen.”

“I’m sure I’ll find a way to use that against him one day.” Sam smiled. “Are you guys gonna come down soon? We’re sorting out the sleeping arrangements.”

“Let me guess: Gabriel will top-and-tail with you in your bed, Balthazar on the floor, and Cas will be in with me.”

“That _was_ the general suggestion.” Sam said. “Are you guys okay with that?”

“Fine by me.” Dean smiled.

“I guess it’s fine with me too.”

“Okay, awesome.” Sam nodded and stepped back out the door. “Oh, and Charlie just called. Says she’s in town and wants to come meet us tomorrow for lunch.”

“I’m down for that.” Dean smiled. “Tell her I’m down.”

“She knew you would be.” Sam winked, and then he finally left.

After a few seconds Castiel looked up at Dean as he read the back of another Metallica tape and asked, “Who’s _Charlie_?”

“Just a friend from school.”

“A girlfriend, or…”

“Just a friend.” Dean smiled. “Why? Are you jealous or something?” he asked with a wink.

“No.” Castiel said quickly. “I was just _wondering_.”

“Yeah, well I’m sure her girlfriend wouldn’t let her run off with someone like me anyway.”

“Girlfriend? She’s gay?”

Dean nodded. “Yep. So don’t you worry, kid. I’m still available if you’re interested.”

“I wasn’t worried, and I’m not int-”

“Stop.” Dean laughed as he climbed up off the bed and grabbed his coat. “I was just joking with you. I know you’re not. Do you want to go grab a pizza? I kind of regret skipping dinner now. I’m thinking a peperoni. You coming?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Castiel mumbled awkwardly as he followed Dean out of the door.

***

The two of them drove to a small pizza place that Dean knew from when he was a kid growing up in Lawrence, and bought a large peperoni pizza for the two of them to share. Dean then drove out to this small park and they sat in the parking lot while they ate and listened to one of Dean’s old Iron Maiden tapes.

“Fear of the Dark.” Castiel grinned. “I love this one!”

“You like Iron Maiden?”

“Yeah. My dad used to play this and Number Of The Beast when I was a kid and mom wasn’t home and it was getting dark outside. Dad used to switch out all the lights while I lay on the sofa of with a pillow over my head counting to one hundred. Dad would hide around the house and I’d have to go find him.”

“Dammit Cas, you must’ve been a pretty rad kid to not get terrified by that.” Dean laughed.

“I think I just found it funny because Gabriel would refuse to leave his room while this song played. It’s probably why he listens to Spice Girls now instead of good music. Dad traumatised him.”

Dean laughed and replaced the Iron Maiden tape with Metallica’s self-titled album, skipping straight to track number eight, ‘Nothing Else Matters’. The mood in the car suddenly shifted from the angst of questionable childhood memories to something quite different.

“I love this song.” Dean sighed as he took a bite from a slice of pizza.  “It reminds me of this guy I dated in high school. We used to drive to this exact parking lot and listen to this song and make out until his mom called and told him to get home or else she’d send his dad out to get him. His dad was in prison…he was terrified of his dad. Kinda bad of her to blackmail him like that when I think back to it now. I wonder how that guy’s doing now – his whole family moved to Texas after his sister caught us together in his bed and I-.”

“Wait…you’re not planning on making out with _me_ , are you?”

“What? No. Seriously, Cas, just because I’m bisexual, doesn’t mean I’m gonna make a move on y-”

“I mean I wouldn’t mind-”

“Wait, what?”

“Like, if you really wanted to-.”

Dean stopped for a second. “You mean you’d let-”

“But I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“I want to-”

Castiel kept his eyes on his pizza. “You would?”

“I think I really-” Dean started, but then he looked down at Castiel. Castiel’s face had flushed of colour and he was picking at his pizza uncomfortably. “Cas, are you okay?”

Castiel looked up at him innocently. “Can we just go home now?”

Dean smiled sympathetically and ejected the tape. “Sure, Cas. We can go home.”

***

It was pretty late once they returned to the Winchester family home and everybody appeared to be already in bed. Castiel and Dean grabbed their bags from where they’d left them in the hallway and made their way back up to Dean’s room as silently as they could.

“I guess it’s kinda inappropriate to sleep in just my boxers like I usually do when I have to share a bed with you.” Dean laughed awkwardly.

“Mmyeah.” Castiel agreed. “Wouldn’t want anybody to get the wrong impression.”

When Castiel turned around from where he was sorting out his bag, Dean was climbing into his bed in a tank top and tiny pyjama shorts. Castiel joined him on the other side of the bed in a hoodie and sweatpants, and made a point of staying as far away from Dean as was humanly possible. But the mattress had a permanent dip in the middle from where Dean had been sleeping for most of his life, and Castiel found himself sliding slowly closer to him.

“Why you sleeping all the way over there?” Dean asked from the other side of the bed. “I’ve been sharing a room with you for the past Five days so I’m used to your snoring and occasional sleep-talking.”

“I don’t sleep talk.” Castiel said flatly, facing the wall so he didn’t have to look at Dean lying there in the same bed, body less than a metre away, stupid smirk smiling over at him.

“Trust me, kid. You certainly do.” Dean laughed. “Besides, you’re gonna get a bad back if you sleep balanced on the edge of the mattress like that. You’ll ache all over in the morning…what sort of impression would _that_ give everybody else?”

“I’m fine over here.” Castiel lied. His arm was already aching and he was pretty certain he’d fall out of the bed at some point in the night. “Honestly, I’m fine.”

“Well I’m not fine.” Dean said simply. “I won’t be able to sleep if I’m worried about you falling and hurting yourself.”

“Just…don’t worry about me then. I’ll be fine.”

 He felt Dean place a warm hand on his shoulder.

“What are you doing, Dean?”

Dean pulled him back gently so he was lying on his back away from the edge of the mattress, then moved his own body closer to Castiel’s so that they could both feel the body heat radiating off each other. “There.”

“Thank you.” Castiel mumbled, looking straight up at the ceiling.

“You know you _can_ look at me.” Dean laughed.

“I know that.” Castiel said. “I just like sleeping on my back.”

“That’s not true. You never sleep on your back – you always sleep curled up with your hoodie.”

“Dean…have you been watching me sleep? Because that’s creepy, and if you have, I think I’m going to have to ask to share a room with someone else.” Castiel laughed.

Dean laughed too. “I’m not a creep, Cas. You just fall asleep before me _every_ night.”

“No I don’t!”

“You do!”

“Trust me, Cas. You always fall asleep at _least_ two hours before I do.”

Castiel glanced over at Dean and realised what a terrible mistake he’d made by giving in to his perfect eyes. Before he could process a second thought he had shifted his body so he was lying face-to-face with him, and suddenly Dean was reaching out to his waist to pull him even closer.

“You do.” Dean whispered. “Goodnight Cas.”

Castiel closed his eyes and let himself just _exist_ beside Dean. It suddenly struck him that Dean hadn’t moved his hand from his waist, and he prayed it would never leave. “Night, Dean.”

***

The next morning Castiel woke before Dean and quickly changed into his day clothes before heading downstairs to join the babble of voices belonging to his brother and his friends.

“Sleep well?” Sam asked as he took his places beside Gabriel at the dinner table.

“Uh,” he felt his face redden suddenly, as if the others somehow knew that he lay tangled up in Dean’s arms with his breathing tickling the top of his head as Dean’s thumb gently stroked the skin of his hip under his shirt in circles as he slept, “I slept fine, I guess.”

“Sam, I am never top-and-tailing in the same bed with you again.” Gabriel spat. He turned to his little brother. “You don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night with a giant Sam-foot in your face. It’s not fun.”

Mary laughed as she placed a plate of homemade waffles in front of the boys, who eagerly took it in turns to fork one onto their plates and lace it with syrup and butter. “Sam, where’s that brother of yours?”

Sam shrugged.

“He was still sleeping when I left his room.” Castiel answered.

“Speak of the devil.” John grunted as Dean shuffled into the room in a pair of old jeans and the same shirt he’d been wearing since the first day of their trip.

“Hey,” Dean smiled as he took his place opposite Castiel at the dinner table, helping himself to pancakes.

“Sleep well?” Mary asked.

Dean glanced quickly up at Castiel and said, “It was honestly the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while.”

“Must be because you’re back in your own bed.” Mary smiled.

“Yeah,” Dean said as he eagerly shovelled a forkful of pancake into his mouth, “something like that.”

“So what have you boys all got planned for today?” Mary asked as she wrapped her pink robe tighter around her middle and sat down beside her husband.

“Gabriel, Balthazar and Castiel are going to check out the art museum and Dean and I are meeting Charlie for lunch.”

“Cas is coming with us, actually.” Dean said quickly.

Castiel looked up at him quickly but Dean didn’t say anything else.

“Oh, is Charlie in town?” John asked.

“Yeah, she’s visiting her family.” Sam explained.

“Tell her to pay a visit, would you? I’ve always liked Charlie.” John smiled to himself.

“Sometimes more than you like your own boys.” Dean mumbled to himself. Mary glared at him.

***

Castiel walked with Sam and Dean to a nice little café a couple of blocks from their house where they were met by a smiley red-head girl who instantly ran up to Castiel and introduced herself as Charlie. Castiel was somewhat taken a-back by the overwhelming energy she spoke with as she bounced across the café to the table she had been sat at waiting for them.

“Boys, we have so much to catch up on.” Charlie sighed as she sat down on a wobbly wooden chair opposite Sam. Castiel sat beside Sam, opposite Dean, trying to avoid eye contact with all three of them at once. “But first of all you’ve gotta tell me about this break up with Lisa.”

“What? How did you know about that?” Dean frowned. “Did Sam tell you?”

“I didn’t tell her anything.” Sam said quickly in his defence. “I swear.”

“Well it seems you’ve moved on already.” Charlie said to Dean, raising his eyebrows at Castiel.

“What? No…we’re not, _you know_.” Castiel mumbled. He felt his body tense up and his neck began to grow hot and irritable under his collar.

“Come on,” She laughed at Dean. “I know you well enough to know when-”

“Sammy, I think we should go order the drinks.” Dean smiled. He stood up quickly and grabbed Sam by the shoulder, pulling him up to join the line at the counter.

“So you’re really not dating?” Charlie frowned at Castiel.

He glared at her. “Nope.”

“Well let me tell you something, kiddo: he has one hell of a crush on you.”

“Stop it.” Castiel said quickly. “He doesn’t have a crush on me. We’re just friends. In fact, we’re not even friends. I only met him five days ago. He’s just my brother’s friend’s brother.”

“But he has those eyes.” She smiled.

Castiel began to grow angry. He couldn’t possibly have feelings for Dean – and who the hell was _she_ to even suggest it? She didn’t know Castiel, and it seemed she certainly didn’t know Dean that well either. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone; first Dolly in Denver, now Charlie in Kansas – why couldn’t people just leave. Him. Alone.

“Everyone has eyes.” Castiel spat.

“Yes, but Dean has this certain look when he sees someone he likes – the exact way he looks at you.”

“He just broke up with his girlfriend. Give him a break.”

Charlie shrugged. “When you’ve got a friend like Dean, you learn to read the signs. He’s showing a lot of them right now.”

“Stop it. Please.”

“What? I’m just teasing you. You’re not really gay, are you?”

“That’s all. I’m leaving.”

“Wh-”

“See you later.”

Castiel pushed away from the table and marched towards the door, making a point to avoid the confused looks the brothers were giving him and the shouts from Dean trying to get him to come back.

***

Castiel walked down the street until he came to a bench he remembered passing on the way to the café. He didn’t walk far enough to get lost, but he made sure he’d walked far enough so that he knew Dean or Sam or Charlie wouldn’t spot him from inside the café.

As he sat on that bench with his head in his hands he forced himself to stop remembering that day back in high school when everything went wrong. That one day that seemed to resurface in his memory every time he thought he was starting to develop feelings for another guy. He didn’t want to be that way; it had cost him so much already back in Boston, and he was sure that he would lose so much more if he let himself accept it. He gripped his hair in his fists and just willed himself to forget it all. He didn’t want to have that one day lingering in the back of his mind whenever he felt the slightest feeling of this new found affection for Dean. He didn’t want to have to fear of reliving that whole day again anymore.

And there, sitting on a bench in a town nearly two thousand miles from the only place he felt safe, he began to fall back into that place he’d fallen for the first time in his sophomore year of high school: that place inside his head where he hated every inch of his being and just wanted to _die_. So he started to cry.

“Hey…kid? Oh, god, Castiel? What’s wrong?”

Castiel could barely find the energy inside himself to look up. He didn’t want to face the world.

“Balthazar, call Dean, tell him-”

“No.” Castiel cried. “Don’t call Dean. _Please_ don’t call Dean.”

He began to shake as he remembered that day; that first day. The day where all the pain, humiliation and embarrassment all began. He could nearly taste the blood in his mouth and that word, that word that seemed to follow him across the continent, that seemed to echo around the inside of his head until it became so loud that he couldn’t bear to ignore it anymore.

“Kid, look at me. Look at me.” Gabriel said, kneeling in front of him on the sidewalk. “I’ve never seen him like this before.” He muttered to Balthazar.

“Castiel, has something happened?” Balthazar asked as he sat down beside him. “Whatever happened, we can fix it.”

“No. N-nothing happened.” Castiel cried. “I just want to die.”

“No, no you don’t.” Gabriel sighed. “I won’t let you.”

“I deserve to be fucking dead, Gabe. Can’t you see?”

“There is no reason in the history of the universe that could possibly mean you deserved to die.” Gabriel laughed sympathetically. “Tell me why you think that?”

“Because…because people have been telling me I’m better of dead ever since I was in 10th grade.”

“Why did they say that to you?”

“Because…” Castiel swallowed hard. “Because I’m gay, okay? There. I said it. I’m a fucking faggot. It’s okay though, because nothing you can say to me now will make me hate myself any less than I already do. And if you want to beat me and leave me in a ditch, just hurry up and do it. It’s happened to me so many times I can hardly keep count anymore, so I guess I’m used to it.” Castiel looked down at his hands. For a second he could nearly visualise the cable ties they’d used around his wrists on his last day of his senior year. “It’s happened so many times, Gabe.”

But Gabriel didn’t hit him. And he didn’t say anything at all. Instead he just pulled him into a hug and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Is that it?” Gabriel asked as he pulled away.

“What?”

“For a moment there I was worried you’d done something bad, like kill a man or drowned a puppy.” Gabriel frowned.

“Bit of an anti-climax if you ask me.” Balthazar said.

“All that dramatic build up and it only turns out you’re into dudes? I was expecting a game changer.”

“I…” Castiel started, but he didn’t quite know what he was even trying to say.

“Let’s go get ice cream or something. I need to boost my blood sugar after those few seconds where I honestly thought my little brother was a serial killer or a rapist, or something that would _actually_ warrant your death.” Gabriel smiled, putting an arm around Castiel’s shoulders.

***

Dean, Sam, and Charlie caught up with them while they were sat in the park eating ice cream out of small pots. Nobody asked about Castiel’s suddenly disappearance and he was grateful, because he had finally managed to push the whole situation to the back of his mind and the only thing he wanted to think about were the people he was with.

They all headed back to the Winchester family household at five and had a meal of chilli and rice. The mood was a lot more relaxed with Charlie sat at the table, her presence alone seemed to eradicate any opportunity for awkward silence and she always knew when to change the topic if the conversation became strained.

At seven Charlie headed home to get ready for a party she was hosting at her girlfriend’s apartment which gave Castiel and Dean a few hours to hang out before she came to pick them up again. Their time together consisted mostly of Castiel looking through Dean’s boxes of childhood possessions whilst Dean picked out shirts from his cupboard and asked for Castiel’s approval. Castiel agreed to nearly every shirt, but Dean just wouldn’t settle. In the end he decided to just stick to the outfit he’d been wearing all day, and that was that.

Castiel was uncertain whether or not to attend the party with the others. He was feeling pretty tired from twelve years of repressed emotions that he wanted nothing more than to just sleep, but Dean was pretty insistent on him coming and Gabriel thought that maybe going to a party under supervision of his friends would be good for him.

So he agreed to go, and Dean was happy, and Gabriel was happy, and, well, everyone seemed to be pretty happy. Castiel prayed that this happiness would last, even if he did feel as if he was sitting on the edge of a ledge that seemed to grow thinner as each hour dragged slowly past. He felt recklessly happy, and he'd come to learn that this certainly wasn't a good thing at the best of times. But his happiness would last, right? Dean wouldn’t let him fall if he finally reached the edge, would he?


	5. Kansas (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: DRUGS, OVERDOSE, PURGING
> 
> i'm sorry for taking so long to update, this chapter was just really difficult to write for some reason. I'm sorry if the quality isn't so good, but chapter 7-10 are already written and finished and I'm proud of them so i'll post them in the coming days after i finally struggle through chapter six
> 
> (also i'm writing this in the chapter summary bc i know that sometimes reading this on certain platforms doesn't show the notes and i just wanted everyone to be aware of the trigger warnings)

** Kansas, part 2 **

Charlie was a little late picking the guys up from the Winchester family home because she had trouble persuading her uncle to let her borrow his car; in the end he gave in, but by the time the six of them arrived at where the party was taking place, it was already fully underway.

The  small two-bedroom apartment where the party was taking place didn’t look like it had been cleaned properly in a _very_ long time; the floor boards were sticky with beer and piss, and the plaster on the walls appeared to be crumbing and cracking at every corner. A thick smoke hung in the air – Castiel knew it certainly wasn’t tobacco – and music blasted loudly from a stereo in the hallway. People were laughing and talking and singing wherever Castiel looked, and every so often he’d catch sight of a couple sitting on in corners getting far too into each other.

Dean disappeared with Sam five minutes into the party which meant Castiel was left with Gabriel and Balthazar. And about an hour and a half later they were having a conversation about something he knew nothing about, which made him feel pretty useless just standing there with them. He looked out for any sign of Charlie and spotted her talking to a group of people she obviously knew, and Castiel knew he couldn’t exactly disturb her. So he was more or less alone, stuck looking round at all the people around him having fun.

Just as Castiel looked up to taken a sip of his drink, he noticed Dean watching him from across the room. As soon as they locked eyes, Dean winked and gestured down the hall with a small nod of the head. Dean was drunk, that was for anyone to see from the way he stumbled against the wall, and Castiel waited a couple of seconds before placing his drink down on the littered coffee table.

"Sorry...gotta head to the bathroom." Castiel mumbled, swaying slightly as he climbed to his feet.

 

He found Dean waiting outside one of the bedrooms at the end of the hallway; he was leaning coolly against the door frames with his arms across his chest.

"Heeeey." He grinned as Castiel approached him.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel smiled, head spinning. "What are you doing down here?"

“I want you to meet my friends.”

***

Castiel followed Dean into a dark bedroom at the back of the house; there was only a single dim lamp illuminating the room, but he could see a number of people sitting around in a corner at the far side. His hands began to sweat a little as the two of them approached the group. These people were strange, and they were Dean’s friends, and they were all so much older, and Castiel really didn’t feel like it was the sort of place for him to be. But Dean pulled him down to the floor to join the group anyway, and the feeling of Dean’s knee touching his own was enough to convince him to stay, even just for a little while. Nobody said anything, though. They just sat there with sloppy grins, smoking things that certainly weren’t cigarettes, drinking vodka in mouthfuls straight from the bottle.

“Dean.” One of the girls at the far side of the group smiled. She was pretty, genuinely pretty, and Castiel felt a flash of jealousy spread over himself as Dean smiled back with a wink.

 “Anna.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Too long.”

She bit her lip and crossed the circle to sit on Dean’s other side. Dean greeted her with an arm across her shoulders. “Who’s your friend?” She asked quietly.

“His name is Castiel.” Dean smiled into her ear.

“Is he your-”

“No.” Dean laughed quickly, breathlessly, lips inches from her neck. “We’re just friends.”

Castiel felt his stomach twist, and clutched his fists, white knuckles. _‘Yeah, just friends.’_ He thought to himself. _‘No feelings whatsoever.’_ He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even realised Anna and Dean had started making out until one of the guys on the other side of the circle called out “stop getting off with my cousin and give us the pills you promised.”

“Right.” Dean coughed, looking round at the faces staring back at him in the darkness. “The pills.”

“Pills?” Castiel whispered.

Dean ignored him. Castiel watched as Dean rummaged around in the pockets of his jeans before retrieving a small plastic bag filled with about twenty small pink pills.

“Whoa, dude, how much did that shit cost you?” One of the guys grinned.

“Two hundred. Ten dollars each.” Dean smirked as he passed the bag around, each person taking one.

“Dude, you paid ten dollars for an ecstasy pill? Damn.”

“I was told it was the best quality. A dealer in Vegas has gotta know what he’s talking about, right?”

Castiel looked down uncertainly at the bag being thrust into his lap. “Dean, I don’t think I wanna do this.”

Dean looked over at him. “Why not? I thought you came here to have fun.”

“I did.”

“So take the damned pills then.”

Castiel could smell the alcohol on Dean’s breath and it made him feel sick. He began to stand up slowly and said, “I think I’m just gonna go back out and hang out with the others for a while.”

“Come on, Cas, don’t be such an ass. Have fun for once. It’s not a big deal.”

Castiel sighed. “I’ll see you later.”

As he marched across the darkened room he became aware of somebody following him; and as he reached for the door handle, he felt a hand appear on his shoulder.

“Cas, please.”

Castiel stepped out into the hallway; the lights were a lot brighter and the music was a lot loader but it gave them a sense of privacy. “Dean, _no_.”

Dean reached out and slipped plastic bag with the remaining five pills into his pocket. “I want you to have them. I want you to have a good time.”

“I can’t believe this…you’re really asking me to take drugs?”

Dean laughed. “Well, when you put it like that-”

“My answer is still no.”

“But, Ca-”

“No, Dean. It seems you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to; I’m not one of your friends, I’ve only drunk alcohol three times, and I. Don’t. Do. Drugs.”

Dean looked hurt. “You _are_ my friend.”

Castiel sighed. “What I mean is that you’ve got plenty _other_ friends to get high with.”

“But they’re not you.”

“You’ve got Anna. You seemed to be pretty into _her_.”

“What’s wrong with that? You really _are_ jealous this time?”

“No, I-”

“Face it, Cas. Charlie was right. You do have a crush on me.” Dean mumbled drunkenly. “’Course you do.”

“You always embarrass yourself when you drink.” Castiel spat.

“I may embarrass myself, kid, but at least I have fun.”

“I would be having fun if we weren’t having this conversation.”

“You’re just relieved I’m giving you attention.” Dean said flatly. “Don’t try and tell me that that night we found you wasted in Denver wasn’t to get me to notice you, to get me to see that you were capable of doing the things I do.”

Castiel frowned and looked up at him, furious. “ _Excuse_ me?”

“Your whole life is just a cry for attention. Everything you do just has to be a big deal, doesn’t it? Poor little Castiel can’t even drink without getting wasted, and on his first night out, he had to get so wasted that he didn’t even notice some guy slip a roofie into his drink.” Dean laughed. “I had to carry you back to the hotel, and then you threw up all over yourself while I was fucking some stranger in the bed beside you.”

Castiel felt himself grow unbearably embarrassed; he felt his skin hot under his collar and his back and palms begin to sweat. “You’d never talk to me like this if you were sober.”

“Damn straight, I wouldn’t.” Dean grinned. Castiel resented the chemicals in his blood. He wanted Dean to be the way he had been the night before when he cared about Castiel and took him out for pizza then slept with him tucked neatly under his chin.

“I just want to go now.” Castiel said slowly, turning to walk away. But something Dean said stopped him suddenly in his tracks.

“I can’t believe I really thought I was starting to like you, Castiel. Looks like I was wrong. Like I said back in Vegas, with a personality like yours, I hope nobody ever does.”

***

It was nearly two AM when the taxi drove away and he found himself standing on the doorstep of the Winchester family home. He felt kind of pathetic for leaving early, but he knew that if he’d stayed he would’ve ended up causing a scene for one reason or another.

Mary answered the door. She was wearing her nurses uniform and was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel said quietly. “I didn’t realise what time it was. I would’ve waited on the doorstep for the others if I’d known you were heading out to woek.”

“Don’t be silly.” She smiled understandingly. “I was just heading out to start my 3AM shift at the hospital anyway, and John is still at that wretched bar in town. Come right in and make yourself at home. It seems the others won’t be home for a while if they’re still at the party, but I’m sure Dean wouldn’t mind heading up to his room to get some sleep.”

Castiel smiled shyly and stepped inside. “Is it okay if I sleep on the sofa down here tonight?”

“Of course you can, sweetie. Did you not sleep well in Dean’s bed?”

“I did. It’s just awkward because, well, I don’t really know him." Castiel lied. "I only met him less than a week ago.”

“Oh, honey, you should’ve just told me you were unhappy with the sleeping arrangements. Hold on, I’ll grab you a couple of blankets. It’s no problem at all.”

***

Castiel would’ve found it easier to sleep there on the sofa if it wasn’t for the constant ticking of the clock mounted on the wall. Every time he’d left his mind fall into a sleep-like state, the ticking would slowly pull him out of it again, and he’d be left lying wide awake staring at the ugly wall paper illuminated by the moon shining through the curtains.

But after an hour had passed, he knew that lying there on a lumpy sofa fully clothed wasn’t helping him to relax or forget what Dean had said to him, so he shut himself up in the bathroom to have a shower, but he swore he could still hear the clock ticking loudly from downstairs.

He sighed at sat down against the wall and let the cold tiles cool him down through his T-shirt. He pulled his knees up to his chest, but as he did so, he felt a slight rustle of plastic in his pocket.

Castiel frowned and pulled a small plastic bag of small pink pills out of his pocket, then studied them closely. They were the pills Dean had given him back at the party and he’d almost completely forgotten that he still had them in his pocket. He tipped them out onto his hand and pushed them around with his finger for a bit. There were five of them, perfectly round and pink and sugar coated.

The longer he looked at them, the more he just wanted to _feel_ something. It seemed that what Dean had said to him back at the party had made him feel empty, like his heart had been ripped out of his fucking chest and there was nothing left to fill the space. No emotions, nothing. Just anxiety and the wearing effects of what little alcohol he’d consumed that night.

With his thoughts clouded by exhaustion - mental and physical - and the burning desire to get out of his skin, he popped the five of them into his mouth and swallowed hard, jumping up to take a mouthful of water from the bathroom sink to help wash them down. And he felt fine. Absolutely fine. Wasn’t taking the pills exactly what Dean had wanted? Perhaps he’d get high and Dean would see that he had a fun side. He _did_ have a fun side after all. And maybe Dean would see that he really _did_ like Castiel, because Castiel really  _did_ do the things Dean liked to do too.

***

He took a quick shower and dressed himself in an old t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts he’d found himself sleeping in a lot since they’d embarked on their road trip, ignoring the dull ache setting into his stomach. It felt like something was gently pulling at his intestines, but it was bearable, and he disregarded the feeling pretty easily. But as he brushed his teeth, his head began to spin. He glanced up in the mirror but his eyes wouldn’t focus – he was seeing double, and everything in front of him was clouded in an electric haze. He took a deep breath and sat himself down on the edge of the bath to stop himself from falling over, dumping his toothbrush in the sink and bringing his hands up to his temples, squeezing hard in an attempt to push out the feeling. But it didn’t help, and the dull ache in his lower stomach had transformed into that of an aggressive cramp that seemed to cripple his ability to think straight.

“Fuck.” Castiel coughed. The lights in the bathroom where blinding him and he felt sweat rolling down the back of his neck; he wanted nothing more than to rip the clothes from his hot, prickling skin.

He stood up but fell back forwards into the bathroom wall, everything was spinning, and he just wanted it to stop. He was tired. So very tired. And he knew that if he just gave into the haze of unconsciousness he would be out of pain for at least a little while.

But he knew he couldn’t let that happen; he’d never meant for it to get this far. He’d only wanted to take the pills to prove to Dean that he had a fun side...or maybe this time it really _was_ to get Dean’s attention...

As he took a step towards the door, a sudden stab at his intestines sent him collapsing to the floor, and the only reaction he could think to give was a strangled moan no loader than a whisper. His body weighed what seemed like a tonne as he dragged himself across the bathroom to where the door was. For a second his vision blanked – he was stranded in darkness – but the next thing he knew he was immersed in the cool air of the hallway in a heap outside Dean’s room.

He had no strength to call for help – not that anyone would hear him now anyway, Mary was working her night shift, John was still at the bar, and the others were still at the party - but he’d never felt pain like this before, and every second that passed seemed like a new day. The only thing he could do was lie there and wait for someone to find him, if they would.

***

He felt the carpet burning hot against his back as he was dragged quickly down the hall by two pairs of arms.

_“Wake up, goddamit.” “Cassie, can you hear me?” “What the hell happened to him?”_

The voices were distant, but still audible. Castiel wished they’d just leave him alone; he’d accepted the darkness and it was the only thing that seemed to stop the pain rife in his bones. Acknowledging the voices his pulled him closer to the surface he didn’t want to break.

“ _We need an ambulance.” “No we don’t, I can fix this.” “Do you even know what’s wrong with him?” “I have a good guess.”_

A sensation suddenly hit him that felt like running head-on into a brick wall; it stunned every sense in his body and thrust him out of the darkness and into the too-bright lights of the bathroom. He gasped for air and shook ice cold water from his eyes. For a split second the pain was gone, but the brief relief didn’t last for long.

He found himself sitting up against Dean’s chest on the bathroom floor with his head lolled back onto Dean’s shoulder. He tried to find the strength to sit up on his own, but his body felt like lead – a weight he didn’t have the strength to carry anymore.

“Cas, listen to me, what happened?”

Castiel opened his mouth to speak but his mouth was so dry. His tongue was numb and his brain wouldn’t focus long enough to let him form a comprehensible string of words.

“Get him water.” Dean ordered. “Water. _NOW_.”

The next thing he knew, Sam was tipping ice cool liquid into his mouth, and Castiel was desperately trying to find the strength to swallow it.

“The…the pills.” Castiel gasped. Every inch of his skin was on fire and his stomach muscles were beginning to spasm. “You g-gave me.”

“ _What_?” Gabriel spat. Castiel hadn’t even realised Gabriel was in the same room. "You gave him _what_?"

Dean ignored him. “Help me lift him over the toilet. I need to get that shit outta him before it kills him.”

“I don’t wanna…” Castiel moaned in pain. ”

Castiel felt Dean place a hand at either side of his face and steadied him, his words hot against his neck. “I’m not letting you die; not on my watch.”

Castiel cried, shaking. His body was too hot then too cold then too hot again and it was bordering on unbearable. He felt his eyes roll back into his skull for a second, but another sudden burst of freezing cold water over his face snapped him back to reality.

“Gabriel, hold his jaw open.”

“ _What_?”

“DO IT.”

“Stop.” Castiel begged. “Please…just leave me be.”

“Didn't you hear me? I’m not letting you die.” Dean spat.

“ _Pl-ease_ ,” Castiel coughed. “You’re scaring…me.”

“Fuck, Cas, and you think this isn’t scaring us? Scaring me? I’ve had friends who took two of these goddamn pills and had a seizure and died within twenty minutes of taking them. You’ve taken five, godammit, and you've been left long enough for me to be able to sober up which means you must've taken them a couple of hours ago. ”

Dean watched as the young boy began to shake and sweat began to bead at his forehead. He gestured for Gabriel to let go of him and allowed the distressed boy to just breathe for a couple of seconds. Gently he pulled him close and held his lips against the top of Castiel’s head for a few seconds. “I’m trying to help you, okay? I’m going to help you. You have to _trust_ me.”

Castiel cried. “But this is _your_ _fault_.”

Dean took a sharp breath and Gabriel shot him a harsh glare. Dean ignored him “keep his mouth open and, for goodness sake, don’t let him swallow”.

Castiel began to cry harder and attempted to climb to his feet, only to find himself restrained by Dean’s strong arm around his waist and his hand gripping hard at his shoulder. Gabriel took a hold of his little brother’s jaw and pried his mouth open, Castiel watched fearfully in disgust as Dean stuck his fingers down his throat causing his stomach muscles to spasm with the urge to gag. He tried to restrain himself from the need to gag, but Dean’s fingers at the back of his throat made that nearly impossible. It was agonising. His throat was on fire and his stomach was churning painfully with the desperate need for relief. Gabriel’s grip on his jaw seemed to tighten with every desperate choke, every strangled plea for it all to just stop, and Dean’s arm around his waist was constricting his ability to breathe.

He didn’t want to die like that – sitting bend over a toilet puking the contents of his stomach from a petty drug overdose – but he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to live anymore either.

But either way, he fought against every instinct to cough Dean’s fingers out of his throat, and he coughed so hard that he began to taste blood. He reached up to pull Dean’s hand away with his only free arm, and only just managed to get a grip on Dean before another hand – Sam’s hand – appeared from behind and pulled his wrist away.

“Thank you Sammy.” Dean grunted as he inched his fingers further down the poor boy’s throat.

Castiel was crying harder than he’d ever cried before. He just knew that if Dean didn’t have his hand half way down his throat he’d be screaming out in absolute agony. He’d never felt distress like this before. This wasn’t just a few punches by some asshole back in high school, or a playful kick from his brother when they were messing around kids. This was the feeling of fierce acid fighting against the walls of his insides as Dean forced him to purge it all out of his system.

And Castiel wasn’t sure if the feeling in his stomach was the effect of the pills, or anger at himself for being so stupid. Dean would never tell him to overdose like this; sure, he’d asked him to take a pill. One pill. Not five. But in his head he couldn’t shift the blame from Dean. After all, it was Dean who’d given him the pills in the first place, and Dean who’d made him feel so shitty about himself that he thought this was the only way he could possibly feel better.

And before he could do anything about it, he was heaving half the contents of his stomach out into the toilet bowl – not that there was much to come up at all..

“Cas, you’re doing so good.” Dean whispered. “Just a little more to go, okay? A little more and this will all be over.”

“Please stop.” Castiel begged. His throat was hoarse. “It _hurts_.”

“Whatever you’ve done, just remember you brought this on yourself.” Gabriel spat. “Whatever stupid, reckless thing-”

“ _Gabriel_.” Dean hissed. “ _Not helping_.”

“ _I’m sorry_.” Castiel cried as his vision began to blur. Their voices were all too loud and the lights were far too bright. Every hand gripping his body felt like a weight of a thousand tonnes and his skin felt as if it was tearing clean from his bones. Dean wiped a bead of sweat from Castiel’s hot face and nodded at Gabriel to take a hold of his jaw again.

It was a mess of tears and sweat but Dean managed to ease his fingers down Castiel’s throat once again. He threw up more easily this time; Dean knew that Castiel’s body was weakening and he was struggling to find the energy to fight against the urge to be sick. But he also knew that maybe Castiel had given up on whatever act he had been playing when he first swallowed the pill; Dean knew that he just wanted the whole ordeal to be over.

Getting the last of the contents in his stomach up was less of a struggle. Gabriel no longer had to hold Castiel’s jaw open and Dean pretty much let Castiel throw up on his own. Balthazar returned with a blanket which Dean wrapped tightly around the shaking little kid, and Sam headed downstairs to turn the car’s engine off where it had been waiting ready in the driveway to drive Castiel to hospital if all plans failed. Gabriel left the room to give Castiel a little space, himself some space too, and Dean was left lying on the bathroom floor with Castiel clutched tight against his chest as he let him just cry for a while.

It was five AM and he was distraught.

Once the crying finally stopped and Castiel couldn’t bear to keep his eyes open any longer out of sheer exhaustion, Dean picked him up and carried him to his bedroom, tucking him safely into the bed. He fetched a glass of water from the kitchen downstairs and placed it on the window sill just in case he needed it. Then he sat himself down in the old wooden chair he’d made back in eleventh grade and finally let himself breathe out a sigh of relief.

Occasionally Gabriel or one of the others would appear at the door and demand to speak with Dean downstairs, but he was far too emotionally exhausted himself to explain anything to anybody. He just felt so goddamn guilty for letting Castiel get a hold of those pills so easily. And he felt even worse for making Castiel want to escape his life like that.

But most of all, he wished that he would never have to see that dead look in Castiel’s eyes as he pleaded for them to stop trying to save him ever again. Not in Castiel’s eyes. Not in anybody’s.

***

“Nobody tells mom, okay?” Dean mumbled as he shuffled into the living room where the rest of the guys were sitting. It was morning. Castiel had slept for four hours and was now sat up in Dean’s bed reading a book, and Dean decided that it was okay to leave him be for a little while now that he was sure that he was okay.

“What? We can’t tell mom that Castiel nearly died?” Sam spat. “Are you listening to yourself, Dean? Mom’s a nurse. She’ll know how to take care of him.”

“If you tell mom, she’s going to want to know what Castiel took to be in the state he’s in.”

“And what _did_ he take, Dean? Because I know for sure that Castiel doesn’t have any medication of his own.” Gabriel asked, standing up suddenly.

“I just said some things that I know I shouldn’t have said-”

“And he magically found a bunch of pills in his hand?” Gabriel hissed.

“If I’d known he was going to take all of them I would’ve-”

“Would’ve done what, Dean? Encouraged him to wash them down with a shot of vodka?”

“Come on, Gabriel. Like I’d ever-”

Gabriel took a step closer. “You’re bad for him, Dean. Every time he spends a little too long in your company, shit like this happens to him.”

 “You can’t blame me for this.” Dean said, shaking his head. “I’d never hurt Cas like this. He was just messing-”

Gabriel lunged at Dean, hands around his throat, shoving him into the wall. “You think this is a game?” Gabriel growled. “You think my little brother’s life is a game? That it’s just something you can play with?”

Dean began to choke and Sam and Balthazar rushed forwards to free him from Gabriel’s grip. “No….” he coughed. “’Course n-not.”

Once Sam had managed to pull Gabriel’s hands from Dean’s windpipe and separated the two, Gabriel returned to the sofa with a depleted sigh. “Say what you want. I still blame you for everything that’s happened to him on this trip.”

“Like what? This was _one_ incident.”

“He’d never touched a drop of alcohol before he met you. In less than a week he’s already gotten _wasted_ twice _, roofied_ once and nearly ended up getting the shit beaten out of him by a group of slobs in Denver. He’s had two breakdowns – confessed to me about wanting to die once – and now he’s actually attempted to kill himself with pills _you_ gave him.” Gabriel argued.

“Wait, he told you about getting roofied?”

“That’s not the point, Dean.” Sam warned. He crossed his arms across his chest as he perched on the arm of the sofa beside Gabriel as he looked over at his brother.

“I want you to stay away from him.” Gabriel said finally. “We’ll finish this trip as planned, but he’s not being left alone in a room with you again.”

“He’s just doing what every eighteen year old does: he’s making mistakes. It’s _natural_.”

“Trying to kill yourself _isn’t_ natural.”

“He wasn’t trying to-”

“Save it, Dean.” Sam said. “Just go pack your things. We’re leaving after dinner.”

“Maybe getting back on the road will help everyone see things more clearly; you know, give everyone time to think?” Balthazar suggested. “We _all_ need to take a moment to think.”

“Today could’ve gone a lot differently than it did if I hadn’t known what to do – just remember that.” Dean mumbled as he shuffled dejectedly out of the room.

***

The conversation at dinner was strained, mostly due to the fact that nobody really felt like talking other than Mary. Castiel had gone back upstairs to sleep, and both Dean and Gabriel were unsure about leaving him up there alone while they ate. Every time the floor boards would creak or the pipes began to rattle, they’d both look up at each other quickly then towards the door, as if expecting to see Castiel standing there with another five pills in his system.

“Are you _sure_ your friend doesn’t want any dinner?” Mary asked. “It’s just such a shame he’s missing out on your last dinner with us while you’re in Kansas.”

“He doesn’t feel too good right now.” Dean mumbled as he chewed the rim of his whiskey glass.

“Honey, don’t do that, you’ll chip your teeth.” Mary warned.

Dean just huffed and near-slammed the glass back onto the table.

“When was the last time anybody smiled around here?” John grumbled.

Sam huffed. Dean huffed. Even Balthazar let out a small unintentional sigh.

***

Dean made sure Castiel was wrapped up tightly in blankets as they packed up the car to resume their trip. Gabriel was sat in the middle seat of the impala offering Castiel sips of water every five seconds, even before they’d even set off on the next leg off their journey.

“Be safe, okay?” Mary sighed at the rolled-down window of Dean’s car as they sat in the drive way preparing to leave.

“We’ll try, mom.” Sam smiled.

“Promise me you’ll visit again before Christmas.” She smiled sadly.

“Of course we will.” Said Sam.

“That is if we even make it out of this trip alive.” Dean mumbled.

After Mary had kissed each of her sons on the cheek and offered a small honest wave to the three others buckled into the back seat, and after John had briefly shaken each of their hands and grunted a half-hearted “thank you for coming”, they finally put the warm welcoming lights of the Winchester family home behind them an hit the road one again. Only, this time they were headed for Pennsylvania.


	6. Pennsylvania

** Pennsylvania  **

Castiel woke in Missouri with a headache and a sick feeling still welling in his stomach, still wrapped up in blankets. Dean and Balthazar appeared to have swapped places: Balthazar was now in the driving seat as they cruised down the freeway, and Dean was sat on the other side of Gabriel as he watched the bleak darkness of the evening set into the view outside. Gabriel and Sam were both fast asleep and nobody was talking, no music was playing; in fact nobody said a single word until Castiel confessed, “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Pull over.” Dean demanded. “He’s not puking in my car. _Pull over,_ goddammit.”

Balthazar swerved into a layby so fast it made Castiel’s stomach churn even faster. Dean hopped out of his side of the car and pulled Castiel’s door open quickly, helping him out of his blankets then leading him over to the long grass.

Dean held Castiel’s shoulders as he puked. Although Castiel would’ve preferred for Dean not to be there, it was a nice gesture nonetheless, and he was actually quite glad when Dean shrugged out of his jacket and wrapped it around his shoulders.

“Thanks.” Castiel mumbled as he straightened himself back out. His head span a little when he looked back up at Dean but he still managed to force half a smile.

Dean didn’t say anything. He just zipped the jacket up for him and patted him on the shoulder before heading back to the car.

***

Once they were back on the road, Dean passed him a bottle of water and told him to get some sleep. “The journey will go quicker if you sleep through it.”

Castiel nodded and settled back into the hard leather seat. He pulled Dean’s jacket tighter around his body – it smelled like him, it made him feel safe – and let his mind relax. But every time he drifted off into a semi-conscious state he’d dream that it was Dean’s arms holding him close, just like that first night in Kansas.

Just as Castiel had managed to settle into the hard leather of the Impala’s seats, he came across something strange in one of Dean’s jacket pockets. He shifted his body and found himself clutching a set of small polaroid pictures he hadn’t seen before. He quickly flicked through them all, there were a couple of Sam, one of Gabriel and Sam sleeping on top of each other he remembered being taken back in Denver, but there was also one of himself, just Castiel on his own, that he had no memory of. Of course it was probably taken when he was wasted or drugged by on roofies or whatever – but he looked happy, and he admitted to himself that he hadn’t looked that happy in a very long time. Perhaps it was because he was staring up at Dean with the camera, or maybe it was because he was out of his head on chemicals. Either way, he looked happy, and that was all that mattered.

He forced himself to wake up and just watched the outside world pass by his window. He thought about that first day he’d met Dean and every day in-between. There was something weird about the way he felt towards Dean – that had been clear to him since he’d first stepped into Gabriel’s apartment in ripped jeans and a leather jacket with the collar turned up – he just wondered if Dean felt it too. They were opposites, that was for anyone to see, yet they seemed to work together in a way Castiel had never thought would. They just felt _right_ together. And however much Castiel wished that they didn’t, there was no denying they did.

At about one AM Balthazar pulled over at the side of the road again, only this time it was so Gabriel could take a turn at the wheel. They were half way across Indiana and night had officially consumed them all. Everyone had been sleeping silently – except Castiel – and nobody had taken to being called for driver particularly well. Suddenly Castiel was glad that he hadn’t bothered to learn to drive.

They stopped off at a Motel for the night. The five of them were exhausted and nobody could drive without the threat of falling asleep at the wheel, so they called it quits for a day and booked a double room for the five of them. They slept piled up on one double bed, and everyone was too tired to care. The only requirement on Gabriel’s part was that Dean slept on the small couch across the other side of the room, and even Dean was too tired to argue with that.

While the rest of them slept, Castiel stayed awake. He’d never been one to give in to insomnia but there was something lingering in his brain that wouldn’t let the sleep take over. Every time he closed his eyes, the need for sleep seemed to slip away whilst simultaneously craving unconsciousness for just a little while.

The only thing he could think about was Dean; why had Dean kept that picture of him in his jacket pocket all this time? Why did Dean have to mess him about like that, one minute sleeping in his arms, the next being told he’d never be loved by anyone, telling him to take drugs? He wanted to forgive Dean, and he knew he already kind of did. He just felt like maybe he shouldn’t have forgiven him so easily; Dean’s pills had almost killed him, he nearly died, shouldn’t something like that take years of redemption?

They woke up the next day shortly after midday, and took to the road again after a quick burger stop. They reached Philadelphia, Pennsylvania just after dark.

***

“Me and the guys are gonna go pick up a pizza. Will you be okay in here on your own?” Sam asked as he stepped half-way into the motel room Castiel was sharing with Gabriel and Balthazar.

“I guess. I’m just surprised Gabriel is actually letting me stay here by myself.” Castiel mumbled from where he was lying on his bed with his laptop balanced on his chest.

“Yeah, well it did take a little convincing.” Sam smiled honestly. “It’s fine. He knows you’ll be okay by yourself for an hour or two. Besides, Dean is next door in our room and he promised to come check up on you every so often.”

“Does Gabriel know about that?”

Sam laughed and looked down at his shoes. “No, Gabe thinks Dean’s just napping. He’s been worried sick about you ever since we left Kansas, and a little while lie on my part isn’t gonna hurt anybody. Gabe can deal.”

Castiel picked up his laptop and placed it on the bed beside him, sitting up. “Thank you, Sam.”

“No sweat, dude.”

***

The guys hadn’t even been gone ten minutes when Castiel was startled by a knock on the door of his motel room. He jumped up from his bed so fast his vision blurred over with black spots, and quickly unlocked the door to let Dean in.

“Hey.” Dean smiled as he stepped into the yellow glow of the motel room. He had his leather jacket on with the collar up like it had been the first time they’d met. “Feeling okay?”

Castiel smiled at stood there in front of him shyly. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Good. Listen, Cas, I want to talk to you about-”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Castiel said quickly before Dean could even start. “I shouldn’t have, you know, with the pills. I was mad at you and I hated myself and I was just trying to prove a point.”

Dean stepped forwards and placed a gentle hand on the side of the young boy’s face, his thumb running once over his cheek. Castiel’s heart was beginning to beat loudly, and he hoped Dean couldn’t hear it. “Stop.”

Castiel’s breath was short and it messed with his head to see Dean’s face so close. He could count every freckle, smooth every blemish, learn the patterns in his lips, all by staring at him. “Stop what?” Castiel whispered.

“Stop talking.” Dean said, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smirk, his eyes watching sleepily, lips parted ever so slightly with his last words hanging in the air between them.

Castiel looked up dead into his eyes. They were so big and green and beautiful and he could’ve sworn that if he stared too long he’d be consumed by them. “What if I don’t want to stop talking?”

Dean stroked his bottom lip with his thumb. He noticed Dean quiver with anticipation, and Castiel swallowed hard. “Then I’ll make you.”

Castiel couldn’t keep his eyes off Dean’s. His heart was in his throat and his body felt like air. There was nothing inside of him that had the power to make him look away. “Well how are you going to-”

Dean kissed him.

The touch of their lips was met with a hand to Castiel’s waist and a shiver that spread quickly down his spine, out through every nerve in his body. Every sense was overwhelmed with the feeling of _Dean_ , and as their kiss deepened, he became too weak to stand. Dean lowered him onto the bed and continued to kiss up his jaw, then his neck, leaving marks over his once-pure skin - branding him as his own.

When Dean’s lips met Castiel’s again, their breath mixed warm in each other’s mouths and Castiel’s hands found their way at Dean’s hips. Castiel looked up at Dean straddling him and, for a moment, they just stayed like that, looking back at each other without a single word to add to the beautiful silence that they shared; without a single word coming to mind that could perfectly describe how they were feeling, because every word, in that moment, was fleeting and unimportant.

Dean kissed Castiel’s lips once more, quickly, but meaningfully, before placing another to his right cheek, then forehead, then nose. Castiel pulled him down onto the bed at Dean shifted his body so Castiel’s head was resting carefully on his upper arm, his other arm free to card his fingers through Castiel’s perfect hair. And Castiel still couldn’t keep his eyes off Dean’s as they just lay together enjoying the silence, enjoying each other’s company, listening to each other’s heart beats.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” Dean mumbled affectionately, his thumb teasing the exposed skin of Castiel’s waist where his shirt had ridden up a little.

“Really?”

“That night I slept next to you in my bed back in Kansas was difficult. I should’ve kissed you. I should’ve kissed you when we were sitting in my car eating pizza too. But I was worried I’d scare you away.”

Castiel blushed and spoke quietly, “It’s okay. But, you know…that was my first kiss with a…a guy.”

“Seriously?”

He nodded with a shy smile. “I mean, I spent most my life repressing my sexuality, so…”

Dean laughed a short sweet laugh and kissed his temple. “Well I hope it lived up to your expectations.”

Castiel sighed happily and reached out to trace a vein on Dean’s neck; his skin was sticky with sweat, and the gentle pulse beneath his touch suddenly sped up as Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes again. Dean looked away awkwardly and forced himself to sit up, thankfully just as the rumble of the Impala came onto ear shot. Castiel groaned as he tore himself away from Dean’s warmth, climbing up from the bed to flatten his hair in the mirror in the bathroom.

“Shit, Gabe’s gonna kill me when he finds me in here.” Dean mumbled as he sat himself down on the wooden table positioned directly under the window.

Castiel returned to the bed and resumed the position he’d been sitting in when Gabriel had left the room earlier: neck bent against a wall of pillows, laptop resting on his chest. No matter what he tried to think of, he couldn’t shake the feeling of Dean from his skin. He wanted to say something in reply, but not a single word came to mind – it was as if Dean’s kiss had wiped his mind blank of anything other than Dean, but in all honesty he didn’t particularly mind.

“Hey, Cas.” Balthazar grinned as he unlocked the door, two large pizza boxes under his left arm. “Oh, and Dean.”

“Dean? I thought you were sleeping.” Gabriel spat as he shrugged out of his coat and flung it over his bed.

“I woke up. Got bored.” Dean shrugged.

“You okay, Cassie?” Balthazar asked, frowning at Castiel’s silence.

“Yeah –uh –I’m fine.” Castiel managed to force out. “Just hungry.”

For the rest of the time Dean was in the room he barely looked at Castiel. Castiel didn’t particularly mind though, because it gave him time to compose his thoughts and get his head together while they ate.

The TV played quietly in the corner of the room and everybody was lost in it, just watching the characters play out a meaningless scene – Castiel thought it was funny how people watched other people living their lives on a small television. He wondered what joy people got out of it when they could be living their own lives in the real world. Perhaps it was because, while they had their own problems that seem like they’d never end, the problems these fake people living these fake lives are faces with will always be resolved. It was like kidding yourself that everything would turn out in the end. And for once in Castiel’s life, he really felt like he was given his happy ending…

 

The next morning Castiel was woken by Gabriel and Balthazar’s conversation as they decided where to get breakfast. Castiel rubbed his eyes and sat up slowly; he’d slept for nearly ten hours yet he couldn’t quite pin-point the exact moment he’d lost consciousness.

“Once you’re ready we can go get pancakes.” Gabriel said to his little brother as he helped Balthazar re-fold the sofa-bed back into it’s original shape.

Castiel nodded and took a quick shower before he was ready to go.

 

As the three of them walked down the streets of Philadelphia it suddenly dawned on Castiel that they were missing two people, and he hadn’t seen the Impala parked in the car park of their motel when they’d left either.

“Where are Sam and Dean?”

Gabriel looked down at him and frowned. “Didn’t Dean tell you last night? I assumed that was why he was in your room when we got back.”

Castiel looked up at him with narrowed eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Sam’s driving him to the airport.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t you know? In the afternoon of our last day in Kansas while you were sleeping, Dean got a call from Lisa saying she wanted to get back with him. Dean’s catching a flight back to Cali to see her, and then he’s bringing her out to New York to meet us.”

Castiel felt something sharp in his chest that caused his heart to drop into his stomach. “What? You mean he got that call…before…before last night?”

“Yeah,” Gabriel said slowly. “Did you not listen to a thing I said? He got that call about two days ago – our last night in Kansas. So, yeah, it was before last night.”

“I don’t understand.” Castiel said to himself.

“What’s not to understand?” Gabriel frowned as they reached the door of a small breakfast diner.

“Nothing.” Castiel said quietly. “I get it.”

Castiel had lost his appetite completely by the time his breakfast arrived. Gabriel pushed him to eat at least one of the pancakes in the small stack he’d ordered, but the more he thought about the fact Dean had just kissed him then flown all the way across the continent to be with a girl he swore he didn’t love anymore without a single word of warning, the more the thought of food made his stomach feel sick.

 

Castiel left the others in the diner and decided to go for a walk to clear his mind. He found a small park down the road from the motel and decided to explore; he’d always enjoyed just walking around parks or sitting on a bench, watching people as they went around their every-day lives around him. It gave him a sense of unimportance – it was relieving to feel unimportant when everything in your head feels far more of a big deal than it actually is.

He was just enjoying the way the sun washed over his skin in patches as he passed under a thin branched tree when suddenly he heard his name being called from somewhere behind him. At first he ignored it. It was probably just somebody else with the same name being called; besides, he was thousands of miles from home in a state he’d never visited before – nobody knew him here.

“Castiel! Wait up! I know it’s you!”

Castiel stopped dead in his tracks. Who was he kidding, he’d never even heard of another person with the same name as him – it wasn’t exactly the first name that would come to most people’s minds when naming their kid.

“It’s been nearly three years since I last saw you, but you still look like the same Castiel I knew back in Boston. Exactly the same…maybe with a little more stubble.”

Castiel turned around to see a skinny light-haired guy with a familiar face looking over at him from about a meter away.

“Remember me? I’ll be pretty offended if you don’t.”

“Samandriel?”

“You do remember me!” He grinned. “My faith in you is restored. I knew you would remember me.”

“What are you doing here?”

Samandriel laughed. “I moved out of Boston when we were in ninth grade, remember? I moved here!”

“Oh.” Castiel smiled. “Yeah, I remember that, Samandriel. How are you?”

“I’m great! How are you? We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

“I’m okay.”

“Listen, you gotta come back to my place and see my parents. I’m sure they’d be pretty excited to see you again after all these years, and then you’ve gotta tell me what the hell you’re doing here!”

Castiel considered this. “Thank you, Samandriel. That is a very nice offer but I’m afraid I’m leaving for New York in a couple of hours.”

“At least let me buy you a coffee so we can talk for a while.”

Castiel smiled. “I guess I can do that.”

The two of them walked through the shade of the trees back out into the city where a small chain coffee shop sat on a street corner by the main road. Samandriel bought Castiel a hot chocolate – he found that caffeine never did much good for him – and a latte for himself, and then walked Castiel back through the city until they came to a bridge reaching out over a large stretch of river.

“So, you’ve gotta fill me in!” Samandriel grinned as he leant over the railings, latte in hand.

“About what?”

“Everything since I left!”

“Where do I even start?” Castiel laughed weakly.

“Start exactly where we left off: Sophomore year, you were going to ask Michael to the valentines dance.”

Castiel paused for a few seconds. “Oh…you want me to talk about _that_.”

 “Of course I do! You’d been crushing on him for, how long? You were finally gonna ask him out!”

“Well, I asked him.”

“And?”

“And he spat in my face and then beat the hell out of me.” Castiel said simply. He shifted his weight uncomfortably on his feet and then sighed. “And then his friends beat me every other day until senior year graduation, called me a fag. But, whatever. That doesn’t matter anymore.”

Samandriel was speechless, and Castiel hated that sympathetic look in his eyes.

“Castiel, I’m sor-”

“Don’t say sorry.” Castiel said quickly. “I guess I kind of deserved it, right?”

“They were your _friends_. You didn’t deserve that at all. If I was there, I’d have-”

“Joined in too?”

“No! Castiel, if you think I’d hurt you then it seems you hardly know me at all.” Samandriel frowned. “I can’t believe they’d do that to you.”

“Well, what’s done is done.” Castiel said, looking out at as a boat passed under the bridge beneath them. “Looking back on it, the time the guys hid my towel and all my clothes while I was showering after gym wasn’t such a bad thing after all; I mean, the hot gym coach gave me blankets and his spare clothes, and let me sit in his office drinking hot chocolate until my dad picked me up.” He laughed weakly, but honestly he really didn’t find it funny at all. Not even a little bit. “And I guess the look on the janitor’s face when he found me tied to a flagpole with cable ties round my wrists and ankles with egg in my hair was pretty hilarious.”

“Castiel…”

“Seriously, Samandriel, it was fine. I should’ve just lightened up about the whole situation – they were only messing around.” He said, trying to mask the upset in his voice. “But even so, I’m okay now. I’ve accepted it, I’ve accepted who I am and I’m fine with it.”

Samandriel was quiet for a few moments before saying, “I wish I could’ve been there to make the rest of high school at least a little bit better for you. Or I could’ve at least stayed in touch with you. It’s just that the whole thing with mom and dad divorcing was so stressful and-”

“Enough about the past,” Castiel said, forcing a smile. “What’s done is done.”

Samandriel smiled too, but it was more a smile of humble defeat than anything else. “You’re right. Tell me about your road trip instead. I want to hear every last detail before you leave me for New York.”

“Okay, but we’ll need to get another hot chocolate and find somewhere to sit – there’s quite a lot to talk about.” Castiel smiled.

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

Castiel smiled a small nostalgic smile. Talking to an old friend after so long was like retracing his footsteps through an old family home, or re-watching a film seen a thousand times before. It was familiar, and comforting, and he felt like he could be completely honest with another person for the first time in his life.

***

When Castiel finally returned to the motel he found Sam in the parking lot packing their bags into the boot of the Impala. Castiel wondered if Dean had told Sam about their kiss the night before, but he knew better than to bring it up just in case. The small sad smile Sam sent him as he walked past confirmed his thoughts anyway.

The Impala felt a lot emptier with one less person sitting in the back. It gave Castiel more space to breathe, and for that he was grateful. He’d hardly slept the night before, and his stomach was still recovering from the whole ordeal back in Kansas, and space was something he needed. He needed space away from Dean. Perhaps Dean was just meant to be with Lisa – and who was Castiel to stand in the way of that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a filler chapter at some points, i must admit. but comment any feedback you have or kudos it if you liked it. (next three chapters are already written and they're much better quality, don't worry). thanks!!


	7. New York (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!! i'm sorry i've not posted for a while - i've been really stressed about getting my gcse results and the stress gave me writers block so i found it hard to write. but now i can finally relax and i'm posting this chapter to celebrate!! it would mean a lot if you were to comment any feed back (bad or good) or just let me know what you think so far, and kudos it if you like it so far! thank you!!

** New York (part 1) **

They managed to cross New Jersey without stopping once, which made the journey a lot easier for them considering the amount of traffic they were faced with. At one point the whole highway was gridlocked due to an accident a couple of miles away, so they were stuck there in the car suffering through the almost unbearable summer heat. The air conditioning was still broken, and because they were stationary on the highway there was no wind or breeze to cool them down; they knew better than to complain, though, because if tensions rose they would never settle again in that weather.

The traffic seemed to disperse after they reached the New Jersey Turnpike and suddenly they found their selves racing towards the next city they were headed for, windows down, four pairs of eyes fixed hard on the road in front of them.

“Dean?”

Castiel looked up and found Sam with his phone pressed to his ear.

“Hey, Dean. Yeah, we’re on our way. Should be in NYC with the hour…yeah I’m fine. We all are…Yeah…he’s fine too. I mean, I think he is…Is Lisa with you?...Yeah, tell her I said hi…” There was a longer pause this time. “Just get a taxi from JFK…No, we don’t have room for both of you in the car…Just ask Lisa, okay? Whatever…See you in about an hour then. Bye… _Goodbye_ , Dean.”

“He landed?” Balthazar asked from behind the wheel.

“Yeah. But he spent all his money on plane tickets and can’t afford a taxi.”

“All of it?” Castiel frowned.

“ _A lot_ of it. He didn’t have much to start with.” Sam shrugged. “He should be okay though. I mean, he’s Dean. He’s always okay.”

 

The sky was clearer than Castiel had ever seen it before as they crossed the Brooklyn Bridge. He could see the city Skyline in the distance it made his stomach twist – no city he’d ever set foot in had ever been of this scale, and he couldn’t help but watch it grow closer in awe.

As the buildings around him grew taller as they entered the city and the streets began to get busier, Castiel felt a feeling inside his chest that he couldn’t quite describe. It was somewhere between excitement and dread, or maybe a mixture of both. Either way he could feel it in his chest pumping fast through his veins as they grew gradually closer to their hotel in Brooklyn– to their final destination – to Dean.

Castiel watched as Balthazar drove carefully through the city streets. Taxis wove in and out of the cars around them and red lights crept up on them at nearly every cross road. He could feel the heat radiating off the concrete pavements from inside of the car and his hands began to sweat; he could hear music with a heavy bass playing from the window of one of the buildings he passed and the thick low-hanging smell of dirty summer air filled his lungs; but for some reason it just made him crack a smile. A small smile. But a smile nonetheless.

They arrived at their hotel shortly after four in the afternoon. Thankfully the air had adopted a slight breeze which made the overall temperature feel a lot cooler, but the heat of the sun still reflected off every surface it could reach.

Dean was standing on the street corner in his stupid ripped jeans and his stupid leather jacket slung carelessly over his shoulder. The sight of him made Castiel’s stomach sick; but not as much as the sight of dark-haired woman standing close beside him with her suitcase resting at her feet.

“You brought my baby back to me in one piece.” Dean grinned as Balthazar climbed from the driver’s seat of the car. “Not a single scratch or dent. I’m impressed.”

Sam got out of the car too and dumped his bag hard in Dean’s arms which caught him entirely by surprise. Castiel just stood there awkwardly clutching his laptop to his chest while the others grabbed their things, and tried desperately to think of something other than the fact he could feel Dean looking right at him.

"Hey, Cas." Dean said casually as the five of them, now with the addition of Lisa, walked together down the block towards their hotel as if nothing had happened. Castiel didn't look up, just kept his eyes on the ground as he managed to force out a cold "Hello", before dropping back to walk with Gabriel and Sam.

 

Once they'd checked in and dumped their bags in the two rooms they'd booked, they decided on heading to McDonalds across the street for dinner. Not very classy, but they were beginning to run out of money and the hotel they were staying in was pretty pricey, no matter how lumpy the mattresses were. Afterwards they were all too tired to carry on with the evening and retired to their rooms; Castiel and Gabriel in one room, Sam and Balthazar, and  Lisa and Dean in the other. Lisa and Dean decided to head out and hit a couple of bars out on the town and, as Lisa said, 'see where the night takes them.' Castiel couldn't help but cringe every time Lisa opened her mouth.

Lying in bed that night, knowing that Dean was out with Lisa doing god-knows-what together, maybe holding hands or kissing beneath some street light, Castiel began to feel sick. He was just left to lie there alone on his side watching the blank wall wishing that sleep would take over, but it never did. And for some reason he couldn't get the feeling of Dean's hands from his skin, or his lips to his neck. He could still taste Dean in his mouth no matter how much he wished he couldn't, and the sound of his voice just kept ringing in his ears:

_“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”… “That night I slept next to you back in Kansas was difficult. I should’ve kissed you.”_

Castiel sighed and grabbed his laptop from where it was lying on the floor beside his bed and opened it up. The bright screen illuminated the area around him and he prayed it wouldn't wake Gabriel up sleeping top-and-tail in the double bed with him or Sam. In fact, Gabriel even stirred in his sleep a little, and Castiel waited with his breath held until he settled down again still fast asleep. With a sigh of relief he opened up a new email and entered his mother's email address, quickly typing "Dear Mom and Dad," before realising he still had nothing to say.

He thought about telling the truth, " _Hey mom, I nearly killed myself the other day and Gabriel's best friend's brother had to stick his fingers down my throat to save my life", "how are you, mom? Is dad good too? I had great fun in Denver - some girl tried to get me to go home with her to fuck her to do coke and when I refused she called me a fag, then the next day her dad tried to beat me", "How's life in Boston? In Vegas I got drugged and then the guy I was sharing a hotel room with brought the guy who drugged me back and fucked him while I was passed out in the same room."_

Castiel laughed to himself. The whole trip had been a joke, and what was even worse was the fact he was really starting to fall for Dean. And he was falling harder and faster with every idiotic thing he did.

In the end he settled for, _"Hello Mom. I'm having a nice time road tripping with Gabriel and his friends. Sorry about what happened in Denver; I know Gabriel called you very early in the morning but it was all a misunderstanding. Are you free tomorrow? We're in New York. You should get a train down to see us. I'll forward you the details of where we're staying._

_Love, Castiel._

_PS. I bumped into Samandriel in Philly. Remember him? He's living in Pennsylvania now. He's still exactly how I remembered him."_

Castiel quickly sent the email and closed his laptop again. The quick distraction had, for some reason, exhausted him. And this time as he lay his head down on the unreasonably crunchy hotel pillow, he fell asleep almost instantly.

***

He woke up early the next morning and quickly headed across the road to small independent coffee shop that he'd noticed when they'd arrived in the city the day before. The air outside was warm and thick, and he was glad that the summer here wasn't as dry and pressing as it was back west. Given the early morning, there was still a fair bit of rush-hour traffic passing through the street of their hotel, but that wasn't entirely surprising in the 'city that never sleeps', or whatever he had heard Lisa say over hamburgers the night before.

He sat in the coffee shop for about fifteen minutes until he'd finished his latte and had the sudden realisation that it was only eight, and it would be a while before any of the others woke up. He decided to head back to the hotel for a quick shower, and then he'd go for a walk and be back in time for the others to wake up.

 

As he approached his floor of the hotel he became suddenly aware of a pair of voices angrily biting back and forth to each other. And as he neared closer, the more he became aware that it was in fact Dean's voice accompanied by Lisa's.

Once he reached his floor he knew it would be stupid to turn away, but even more so to walk right through the argument they were having. So, there he was, stood behind the dirtied wall of his three star hotel listening to an argument he knew he had no business hearing, but he simply couldn't pull himself away.

"You dragged me across the continent for what? To humiliate me? Embarrass me? For what, Dean? You better have a damn good reason for this. Do you even know how happy Ben was when he opened the door to find you stood there? That night he told me he was happy that his daddy was home. And now what?"

"Lisa, I'm sorry." Dean sighed. "But I just-"

"But what? You were the one calling and begging me to get back with you - and now you're asking me to leave just like that? What about last night? Did it not mean anything to you?"

There was a pause. Castiel couldn't see him, but he knew that Dean was making that same face he always did when he was trying to find the right words to say; the one where he looks down at the floor and back up at you again a thousand times. "It didn't mean anything to me, Leese." He sighed. " _That's_ the reason for this, okay?"

"Then why the hell did you beg me to come here with you? We could've fucked back in Cali if that's the only thing you wanted from me."

"I didn't-" Dean cut himself off mid-speech and sighed. "I didn't ask you to come here for sex."

"Then tell me exactly why you turned up on my doorstep out of the blue with a plane ticket to New York, took me here, fucked me, then told me to leave. Tell me why."

"Because I think love someone else, well, I _know_ I love someone else. And I needed you here for me to finally work that out."

Lisa was speechless. There was a silence. A _long_ silence, and it rang painfully loud throughout Castiel's head. _'He could be talking about anybody'_ Castiel thought to himself as he supported himself with an arm against the wall. _'He could even be talking about somebody he's never mentioned before'._

" _What_? Is this some sort of game to you?"

"No. Leese, just listen: I needed you both here in New York so I could finally work it out, and I'm sorry."

"So, what, she's here with you? Or is it one of those college guys you're travelling with? Is it a guy? Or a girl? It's hard to tell with you, Dean, because you'll fuck just about anything with a pulse."

" _He_ is here in New York, yes." Dean said slowly. "And I'm pretty sure he hates me now, all because I left to go see you."

"Well that's hardly surprising." Lisa spat. "Because you fuck _everything_ up." Another silence. "So, which one is he? The attractive, blonde, British one?"

" _Balthazar_? No."

"The short one, your brother's best friend?"

"Not Gabriel, no way."

"Oh, so it's the moody dark haired one? I should've known by the way you kept looking at him. Couldn't keep your eyes off him and I assumed it was just because he looked like he was going to top himself at any second. Or maybe it's your brother - I wouldn't be fucking surprised, you know."

Dean sighed. "Keep your voice down."

"Why?"

"Because his brother is asleep in a room down the hall and I don't want him to know. His brother...his brother hates me because of something that happened last week, and if he finds out about me having feelings for him he'll skin me alive."

Castiel suddenly felt extremely guilty for standing there, listening to it all, and his legs suddenly grew weak

"So does the guy you supposedly love not know either? Did you not fuck him too, to compare how it felt? Is that not what you're trying to tell me your whole plan was?"

"Leese, _please_ -"

"Don't _'Leese'_ me, Dean." Lisa spat. "I just hope he knows you'll break his heart when you've screwed him over and found someone else. And I hope you know that I wouldn't wish the burden of you on anybody, especially not a guy like him."

Castiel couldn't bear to listen to it anymore. He had to get out of there; he felt as if his throat was closing up and the air was growing extremely thin, and he nearly tripped over his legs as he near-sprinted down the stairs. Then, for some reason he couldn't quite work out, he burst out into a fit of tears and anger, and ran into the hotel's restroom in the lobby to avoid being seen.

***

Castiel's spent the most part of the day shut up in his hotel room while Sam, Gabriel and Balthazar explored the city. Lisa had headed to Penn station to take a train back to the airport, and god knows what Dean was up to. The only thing that mattered to Castiel was that he was alone, and as far away from Dean as possible.

At six Castiel's parents arrived from Boston to meet their sons and their sons' friends for dinner. They'd only agreed to travel so far and at such short notice because they had friends in the city they had been meaning to visit for a very long time, who also offered them a bed for the night. They waited in the lobby of the hotel while the guys freshened up a bit before dinner.

"Is Dean joining us at all?" Gabriel asked as Sam splashed his face with water in the bathroom.

"Doubt it." Sam said as he grabbed a towel to pat his face dry. "He broke up with Lisa again early this morning before you guys woke up, and decided to hit the bottle straight after she left."

Gabriel tutted. "Typical Dean-o."

Castiel sat quietly across the other side of the room by the window and almost didn't notice Gabriel approach him. "Little brother, can I talk to you for a sweet second outside?"

"Uh, sure."

As he followed his older brother across the room he could almost predict what was going to be said to him, _'Castiel, why did you spend all day alone again?' 'Have you told mom and dad about the incident in Kansas yet?' 'Please, Castiel, for the love of god at least pretend to be having a good time tonight.'_

But in fact Gabriel didn't mention any of that - instead he just closed the door and turned to his younger brother and simply said, "you should tell them tonight."

"What?"

"You should tell mom and dad what you finally told me in Kansas. Remember?"

"You want me to come out to mom and dad _today_?"

"Sure, why not? It's the perfect opportunity."

"I don't know, Gabe, I just don't feel ready yet."

"It's not a big deal, kid, just a preference of gender. They deserve to know what's been bothering you all those years."

Gabriel made it sound so simple - and maybe it was. Could he have been confusing his acceptance for his feelings for a man over his acceptance of his own sexuality since they'd left California two weeks ago? The more he thought about it, the more fleeting the whole situation seemed to him. Why had he worked himself up over it, broken down on a bench in a state far from home all because some girl he didn't know _assumed_ he was Dean's boyfriend? Really, had it been the fact Charlie had assumed he was dating Dean that had upset him, more than the fact she assumed he was gay? And what was the real problem with any of it anyway, (a part from the fact Dean’s an ass)?

Castiel ignored his thoughts. "I can't."

"Casti-"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"I don't know, I just am."

"There's nothing to be scared of. It's just a preference, remember?"

Castiel sighed. "If the topic comes up I'll do it, okay? But please don't -"

"Castiel, I may be a dick to you sometimes but I'm not going to out you in front of mom and dad. Even if it's not actually a big deal."

"I get it, it's not a big deal, you don't need to keep saying it."

"Very well." Gabriel smiled, turning back to their room. "Just remember-"

"It's not a big deal. Okay, I get it."

 

Castiel bad always hated greetings with people he hadn't seen for a while, even if those said people did happen to be his own parents. They were usually just awkward and repetitive, and generally just over sentimental situations. He didn't understand what was wrong with simple Hellos anymore.

But he entered the lobby and braced himself, managing to smile and hold himself together through it all, no matter how painstakingly tedious the whole situation was.

"Castiel! It's lovely to see you!"

"You too, mom."

"How are you, son?"

"I'm good, dad."

"You're looking more and more like your father every time I see you!"

"I guess that's a good thing."

"Your mother's right - you're starting to look like a man."

"Thanks, I guess."

"You've become a proper adult since you left for college, I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks."

"So, how's college life?"

"It's good."

"Making friends?"

"A few."

"Any girls you've got your eye on?"

Gabriel stepped in suddenly. "Actually, Castiel has been meaning to talk to you about that."

"Yeah." Castiel said quietly. "I guess I have."

"We're all ears." His mother smiled.

"I was...actually...going to tell you that...I'm...I'm...I was actually going to tell you that I'm going to ask a girl out when we get back to Stanford. I just wanted to ask if you had any advice." He lied.

Gabriel huffed and turned around so quickly he could almost feel the frustration radiating off him.

"Oh, Castiel!" His mother gushed. "I'm so happy for you! I'm sure your father will have some advice for you to discuss over dinner."

"That's right, son, I know a thing it two about getting girls. How the hell do you think I ended up with your mother after all?"

Everybody laughed. Castiel tried to.

 

After Gabriel introduced Sam and Balthazar, they six of them headed out to a small Italian his parent's friends had recommended out in Manhattan. Once they were all seated and the conversation had started to flow, Castiel sat back and watched contently; he had no intention to join in, he'd never been much of a conversationalist.

"So, mom, how's Ricky? I haven't heard much from him lately." Gabriel said, nearly leaning right over Castiel. Castiel knew what Gabriel was trying to do by bringing their cousin Ricky into conversation - he just had to try his best to stay out of it.

"Ricky? He's fine. Moved to Australia with his boyfriend a couple of months ago."

"Hear that, Castiel? Ricky has a boyfriend." Gabriel said, and Castiel hated him for it.

"Really?" he replied apathetically. "Good for him."

"Ricky says he's planning on proposing soon." Gabriel said. "It's not surprising how accepting our family has been towards him and -"

Castiel pushed away from the table suddenly. "I'm going to the bathroom, please excuse me."

By the time he's arrived back to the table, food had arrived and conversation had finally drifted elsewhere. For the rest of the meal Castiel managed to stay as far from the conversation as possible, which wasn't difficult seeing they were now talking about wrestling - something he had no interest in whatsoever.

At the end of the meal, Gabriel persuaded their parents to come back to their hotel room for an hour or two on the basis that he was adamant Castiel had something to tell them. They accepted the offer and followed the boys back up to their room, and Castiel knew he had no choice but to tell them. And now they were sitting around in their hotel room watching his face redden as he struggled to find the words to come clean.

"Mom, dad...I know for the past two years I haven't exactly been myself and I know you've been worried, and I guess I'm sorry for that. But things are different now, well, kind of, and I just wanted to tell you that-"

"Guuuuuuuys." Dean stumbled drunkenly through the door, tripping over his own feet and falling into a heap just in front of Castiel's father. He looked up at them from the floor and frowned, climbing to his feet with the help of Sam. "Whaaat? Do I...Do I know you?"

Castiel's parents both rose to their feet, a look of absolute disgust on their faces as Dean stood there dizzily, slurring his words, stinking of beer and whiskey.

His mother stepped forwards tentatively. "I'm Gabriel and Castiel's mother, this is their father."

Dean's face flushed pale then flooded red with realisation. "Ohhhh. I'm so sorry, Mr and Mrs Novak, about this...this... _mess_ I'm in." He apologised, swaying a little. "Castiel...he's a great guy, ya know? You should be proud to call him your son; don't ever forget that. Gabriel on the other hand, not so much."

Both parents' faces hardened.

"I shouldn't have said that." Dean muttered to himself, flopping down to sit next to Castiel on the bed. Castiel shuffled away. Dean put his arm around him. Castiel gave in. "But this guy here, man, you gotta love him." Dean squeezed Castiel's shoulder affectionately. "How do you deal with those eyes? You can certainly tell who inherited the good looks from his mother." Dean put a hand to his mouth as if to whisper. "And it certainly wasn't Gabriel."

"Okay, that's enough." Castiel's mother said finally. "I'm sure you're a nice man when you're sober, but right now you're acting like a drunken fool."

"Whaaat?" Dean frowned. "That was a compliment to you too, I mean look at your son. He's so...so..."

"Stop it." Castiel said, pushing Dean's arm from around his shoulder and standing up quickly. "Sober up or get out of here."

Dean looked hurt.

"Well, go on."

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Dean mumbled before dashing to the bathroom.

"I'm sorry about that." Sam said apologetically. "Really sorry. He's just gone through a bad break up and he doesn't always know how to properly deal with his feelings."

"It's fine. We’ve all been there at one point." Castiel's father said. "We were just on our way out, anyway."

"You can't _leave_." Said Gabriel. "Castiel still has something to tell you."

"It can wait." Castiel said quickly. "Honestly, it can wait."

"No. Castiel, just say it."

Castiel took a deep breath and spoke quietly, "I just wanted to _finally_ tell you that…that I'm glad you came. I missed you at Stanford, but I'm getting better. I'm happier now."

Gabriel sighed deeply and threw his arms down to his sides.

"I'm so glad to hear it." Castiel's mother sighed. "Really, Castiel, we were so worried."

Castiel forced a smile, and the room was filled by a silence broken only by the sound of Dean vomiting in the bathroom.

"We really must be off now. It was nice meeting your friends, well, _most_ of them. Call me when you reach your next destination, okay? You've barely contacted us at all on this trip and we do worry, dear."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Castiel and Gabriel kissed and hugged their parents farewell and walked them downstairs, and after what seemed to Castiel like a thousand Goodbyes, they were finally gone.


	8. New York (part 2)

Castiel knew that Gabriel was disappointed in him for not coming clean to his parents, so decided it was best to avoid him for a day or two, which was easy considering he had decided to go out with Sam and Balthazar to see the Empire State Building. He wanted to avoid Dean too, but that was much harder; Dean was hungover from his day of drinking and decided to stay in his hotel room all day. Castiel wouldn't have minded this if he had left him alone, but at quarter past two, when Castiel was watching a particularly interesting episode of Jerry Springer on his shitty hotel TV, Dean stepped into the room holding two cheese burgers and a freshly baked pie.

"Hope you don't mind." Dean said, flopping onto the bed beside him. "I got kind if lonely stuck in my hotel room."

"Where's Lisa?" Castiel asked, although he already knew the answer.

"She went home."

"Why?" He already knew the answer to that too, but he couldn't exactly admit to eavesdropping on their whole conversation.

"We decided to call it quits. For good this time."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, by the way."

"For what?"

"Firstly for whatever I said to your parents last night. I can't exactly remember it but I know it was bad, judging by the way Sam keeps looking at me. And I'm also sorry for that night in Pennsylvania. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay." Castiel lied.

"No it's not, dude. I made out with you then left for Cali without warning – you can’t get any douchier than that. And I know you're angry at me; you've barely looked at me since we arrived here in New York."

Castiel sighed. He didn't want to be discussing this right now but he knew there'd be no other opportunity, even if it was awkward as hell. "I'm sorry too."

"What for?"

"I don't know, I just feel like I should be apologising."

Dean laughed weakly. "Well, whatever you're apologising for, I forgive you."

"I suppose you want me to forgive you too."

Dean didn't say a word.

Neither did Castiel.

But Dean gave in. "Please forgive me, Cas."

"I just-"

Suddenly Dean leaned in and Castiel felt his warm breath tickling his lips. He wanted so badly to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him more than anything, but he couldn't, and pushed him back gently before their lips had a chance to meet.

"Cas, I'm sorry."

"Kissing me isn't going to fix anything. I'm tired Dean."

Dean sighed. "Cas."

"I'm so tired of everything." Castiel looked down at his hands in his lap and lowered his voice. "You should've just let me die by those pills back in Kansas. I wish you had. Would’ve made everything a lot easier for both of us."

"Wh-" Dean looked over at Castiel's glazed over expression and knew he meant it. "No, Cas, I couldn't. I...just...no, okay?"

Castiel sighed and switched the TV off with the remote before lying down on his side, looking out at the room away from Dean. He hoped that if he tried hard enough he'd manage to block out the feeling of Dean's warmth radiating against his back, or his heavy breathing or the hand resting close to his body. But he couldn't. "I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that I'm okay with being myself. I'm scared that if I don't change, I'll do something I regret. Just like Denver. Just like Kansas. But maybe worse."

Dean reached out and placed a hand at the base of Castiel's neck, stroking his skin gently with his thumb. "I don't want you to change, Cas. I like you just the way you are."

Castiel hadn't even realised he'd been crying until a tear rolled sideways across his nose, dropping silently onto the mattress below.

"Look at this." Dean said. He felt the mattress dip as Dean shifted his body to retrieve something from his pocket, and then dropped a Polaroid picture onto the bed in front of his face. Castiel reached out to retrieve it and saw that it was the picture of him, smiling and ordinary, slightly (okay, very) drunk - he recognised the picture as one he’d found in Dean's jacket pocket half way across Indiana.

"Why are you showing me this? I know what I look like." Castiel muttered.

Dean laughed. "I know. But I've had that picture of you with me since I took it. I love it, it's one of my favourites. It makes me smile every damn time I look at it."

"Why? It's just me."

"Exactly." Dean said, taking it back and sliding it back into the pocket of his jeans. "It’s just you; plain old Castiel. Just _you_."

Castiel rolled over, to face him this time, and Dean removed his hand. He hadn't realised that Dean was now lying down beside him propped up on his elbow staring down lazily at him with a small smile. Maybe Dean was being honest…and if there's one thing Castiel knew he could never persecute Dean for, it's his honesty.

He looked up at Dean for a long moment, just thinking; thinking about himself, thinking about Dean, thinking about everything. It was exhausting to stay mad at Dean when Castiel knew that he wasn't really mad to begin with. Sure, what Dean had done was a dick move, especially dragging Lisa into it all. But after hearing Dean explain the reason for it all that morning he knew that Dean never meant to hurt him - he was just trying to prove something to himself, and Castiel just happened to be collateral damage.

"I forgive you."

Dean smiled. "I'll find a way to make it up to you."

Castiel sat up and glanced over at the burgers and pie sitting on the bed side table beside them. "Well I guess a cheeseburger is a good start."

***

Castiel had been watching Family Guy with Dean for nearly four hours when Sam called. He said that he was at a bar downtown with Gabriel and Balthazar, and wondered if Castiel and Dean would like to join them. Dean accepted and so did Castiel, and they quickly got ready to meet them.

When they first arrived at the bar, Castiel noticed immediately that it was, in fact, a gay bar. Castiel rolled his eyes and sighed – Gabriel’s idea of a joke probably – as he caught sight of his brother and Sam sitting at a table full of empty pint glasses. He followed Dean inside somewhat coyly, and sat down carefully in the seat opposite Sam, Dean to his left.

“You came!” Sam grinned goofily. Castiel didn’t think he’d ever seen Sam this drunk before. “Balthazar…Balthazar has already fucked off with a bunch of lesbians who promised to take him to a late night sushi bar a couple of blocks away. We probably won’t see him for a while.” He giggled.

“Of course he did. Trust Balthazar.” Dean smiled. “Cas, you want anything?”

“I’m fine, actually.”

“Well I guess you can share my beer if you get thirsty.” Dean said as he headed over to the bar.

“I’m gonna…I think I’m gonna be sick.” Gabriel said suddenly. He clambered up from the table and so did Sam, who half-carried him away to the men’s bathrooms almost knocking various people over as they went. Castiel laughed weakly as Gabriel sent a chair flying into the wall, nearly causing Sam to fall into it as they stumbled through the door. His laughter was quickly broken by the reappearance of Dean to his left, placing a bottle of beer down on the table and taking his seat beside Castiel.

“Hey, you feeling okay?” Dean asked softly.

Castiel looked at him. “I’m fine.”

“You sure? Because last time I was at a bar with you… _damn_.”

Castiel smiled. “Well, I’ve found that nights out are always better when I can actually remember them.”

Dean shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “Suit yourself.”

“Besides, you probably shouldn’t drink too much tonight – getting wasted three days in a row probably isn’t too good for you.”

“I better not drink too much then, if you’re so concerned about me.”

Castiel could’ve sworn that Dean winked at him, and he looked down at his hands nervously as his cheeks began to burn a little.

“I’m gonna head outside for a smoke. You coming?”

“Since when did you smoke?”

“Since I found a pack of Marlboros in my pocket after waking up in some chick’s bed before I came home last night.” He said proudly, taking them out of his pocket to show, Castiel as if he thought he somehow didn’t believe him.

“Fair enough. But don’t make a habit of it. And, no, I’m not coming. But thanks.”

“Look at you…all concerned about me.” Dean said smugly.

“I’m not concerned, I just-”

“Shh.” Dean said. “Don’t ruin the moment.”

“You’ve had half a beer and you’re already acting strange.” Castiel laughed shyly, and as he turned away from Dean he realised he’d been looking at him for a very long time. “Don’t take too long – I don’t know how long Gabe is gonna be in the bathroom and I don’t particularly enjoy sitting in bars alone.”

Dean stood up slowly, tossing the packet of cigarettes as he did so. “I’ll be ten minutes max, depending on whether or not there are any cute guys out there.”

Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I’m kidding.” Dean laughed before pushing his beer bottle in front of Castiel and heading out across the bar, and Castiel watched him through the window as he stood beside a group of girls and one of them offered him a light.

As he returned his gaze to the bar in front of him, he accidentally made eye contact with one of the guys sitting at the bar who mistook his glance as an invitation to join him. Before Castiel had a chance to compose himself, a sandy-haired guy with a face full of bruises slid into Dean’s seat.

“I’ve been waiting to get you alone ever since you walked in here.” The man smiled with a laugh. “My friends told me to just join you, but that guy you were sitting with was kind of intimidating. Is he your boyfriend?”

“My boyfriend? No. No, he’s not.” Castiel said uncertainly. The guy was sitting closer than Castiel would’ve liked, but he was too polite to tell him to back off; he just hoped that Dean would hurry up and finish his damned cigarette.

“What’s your name?”

“Um, my name’s Castiel.”

“Nice to meet you Castiel.” The man smiled, a hand creeping unwelcomely up Castiel’s thigh. “I’m Lucifer. Maybe we could get outta here…my hotel is only a block away and I’d love it if you were to spend the night with me.”

“I don’t know…I-”

“Come on, _Castiel_. I could fuck you better than that shady guy you were sitting with just now ever could. You’re so… _fuck-_ You’re driving me crazy. Just leave with me, would you? We could make it quick if you wanna be back before your friends notice you’re gone…”

“I don’t wanna…” Castiel looked down at the hand nearing his crotch and his whole body stiffened. “Please st-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Lucifer had taken his face in both his hands and began to kiss him - and kiss him _hard_. Castiel struggled to push him away, but it was impossible; Lucifer was gripping his face too tightly, and the more he struggled to get away, the tighter Lucifer’s grasp became. Castiel began to panic – what would Dean say if he walked in and saw him kissing some stranger like that? He didn’t want to be kissing this man; his breath tasted of stale alcohol and cigars, and the feeling didn’t make Castiel’s stomach twist or his knees weaken like they did when he kissed Dean.

He reached up to push his shoulders away, but Lucifer reacted by gripping Castiel’s throat with one hand as he continued to kiss him. With every attempt at getting away, the hand at his throat tightened and he found himself gasping for breath, tears welling in his eyes.

It happened so quickly.

One minute Castiel was choking into Lucifer’s kiss, the next Lucifer was knocked clean to the floor.

A bystander pulled Castiel away from the table, and he turned back to see Dean sitting on Lucifer’s chest, beating the life out of him. As Lucifer’s attempts to free himself from Dean’s hold became more desperate, so did Dean’s blows; it seemed like Dean was willing to beat this man until he killed him if he had to. Lucifer freed one hand to grip Dean’s face and try, however futile, to pry Dean off of him. But Dean was having none of it; he grabbed the man at the elbow and twisted his arm right round until the joint popped and Lucifer cried out in agony.

Castiel stood there in tears, gasping for breath as the bar fell silent. The only audible sound was the sound of Dean’s fist relentlessly smashing into the side of Lucifer’s face, and Lucifer coughing a mess of blood and broken teeth out onto the bar’s floor.

Somebody grabbed Dean from behind and attempted to pry him away from the bleeding man on the floor, but as soon as he was pulled to his feet, he proceeded to kick him hard in the stomach until he was thrust hard up against a wall and held there by three other people.

***

Castiel had been sat on the hard concrete steps outside a New York City police station for nearly six hours. He’d originally been sitting inside on an uncomfortable plastic chair in the hallway where he could see Dean sitting against the wall in a holding cell, but he’d gotten tired of listening to Dean telling him to get some sleep, and besides, watching the city break dawn was a lot more interesting from the station steps.

 But it was morning now, he just wished Balthazar would just hurry back to meet him with the money to pay for Dean's fine, because he was beginning to feel a slight nausea setting into his stomach and he was still wearing his clothes from the night before.

"Sorry it took so long." Balthazar sighed as he jogged round the corner at last. "Gabriel was a little reluctant to part with his sixty dollars and it took a bit of persuading. He says Dean should just stay the three days in the cell instead of forcing us to pay his fine."

"But you've got it, right? All three hundred dollars?"

Balthazar nodded, slightly out of breath. "Sam said they should be here any minute. They’ve just gone to a bank to make the transaction."

Castiel sighed with relief. “I was worried they’ refuse.”

“To be fair, it did take a lot of shouting on Sam’s half before Gabriel even _considered_ accepting to pay it. What the hell even happened last night?”

Castiel shook his head. “It was nothing.”

“Nothing? Three nights in a cell or a three hundred dollar fine doesn’t just come about from doing nothing.”

Castiel agreed with that, but he still didn’t particularly want to recall the events that had lead up to Dean’s attack. “Maybe if you’d decided to stick around instead of going off on a sushi adventure with a bunch of girls from a gay bar, you would know.”

“Guys!” Sam rounded the corner with Gabriel in tow. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

“It’s fine.” Castiel smiled slightly. “Can we just pay the fine and get Dean out of here? I’m starving – I want to go eat.”

 

Dean was freed as the other four stood around the front desk handing over three hundred dollars in cash for Dean’s release, Sam bent double as he finished filling in the release forms. Another cop slid a plastic bag onto the desk full of Dean’s possessions: his phone, car keys, wallet, cigarettes…and his polaroid picture of Castiel, which was sat facing up at the top of the pile. Dean snatched the bag quickly off the table, but Castiel knew that Gabriel had already seen the one thing Dean would never want him to see.

Castiel just took a deep breath and smiled as he turned to face Gabriel and Balthazar. Maybe if he pretended it wasn’t a big deal then the others would forget they even saw it. “So…breakfast?”

Gabriel breathed heavily through his nose and walked out without a word.

Balthazar smiled sympathetically. “Breakfast sounds good right now.”

 

Once the paperwork was completed and the decision for breakfast was decided, the five of them set off down the street with Balthazar directing them vaguely to a café he’d swore he’d passed the night before.

As they walked, Castiel noticed Dean drop back from the group, and Castiel dropped back to join him.

“Thank you for last night.” Castiel said quietly. “That guy really scared me.”

“I know. He was a jerk. He deserves every second of pain that broken jaw and dislocated shoulder brings him.” Dean muttered. He let a few seconds pass before saying with a hint of a smile in his voice, “one of the cops told me that you waited outside the station all night after I told you to go back to the hotel to sleep. Is that true?”

“I couldn’t just leave you there.” Castiel admitted. “I didn’t want you to be there alone.”

Dean smiled to himself. “Thanks, Cas. It means a lot.”

“Really, it was no problem at all.”

“Well, you look like hell. You need a good night’s sleep and possibly a shower.”

“Thanks, Dean.” Castiel laughed briefly. “For the record, you don’t look any better.”

Dean let out a half-choke-half-laugh before stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. “I want to thank you.”

“You have no reason to thank me; you’re the one who saved me from some creep at a bar.”

“I have a lot to thank you for. I want to thank for you waiting up for me, but mostly for forgiving every shitty thing I’ve done to you since we met.”

“Dean, it’s fine.”

Dean laughed nervously and scratched the back of his neck, looking down at his feet.“But I want to _do_ something to thank you. Ah…Listen, Cas…I was wondering if you’d, uh, like to go out for dinner tonight? Just you and I?”

Castiel felt his face redden but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He felt so goddamn shy all of a sudden and he hated himself for it.

“Forget it, I-”

“Dean…”

Dean looked over at him hopefully, still scratching the back of his neck anxiously.

“That’d be really…great.”

“Just…great?”

Castiel looked up shyly. “I’d love to go on a date with you.”

“Technically I never said it was a date.” Dean teased.

“Well you implied it.”

“I did not.”

“You kind of did, Dean.” Castiel smiled.

“Okay…maybe I did, but whatever. I’ve never been on a proper date with anyone before; I’m not used to asking people. I usually just hook up with people at parties and get their numbers the morning after. Gimme a break, alright?”

Castiel sighed happily. “Well I’m interested to see how this date turns out considering you have no money left.”

“I’ll make it work, don’t worry.” Dean said, tapping Castiel playfully on the arm.

“I look forward to it.”

“Come to my room at seven – I’ve got a room all to myself now that Lisa’s gone. Just tell Gabe that you’re coming to hang out with me, he doesn’t have to know where we’re going.”

“Okay.”

“Now, go catch up with the others for breakfast – you must be pretty hungry by now.”

“You’re not coming?”

“No, I’ve got a few preparations to make for tonight.”

“Like what?”

“No spoilers.” Dean winked. “Just go eat, okay? You’ll see tonight.”

Castiel gave in. “Fine. I’ll see you later.” As Dean walked off, Castiel shouted, “I’m expecting a great night, Dean Winchester.”

Dean just turned around and winked at him.

***

Castiel spent the rest of the day nervously raking through what little shirts he'd packed in search of something, _anything_ , worthy enough to wear on a date with Dean. He knew he couldn't exactly ask Gabriel for help, mostly because he knew that Dean didn't want Gabe finding out about his feelings for his younger brother, but mostly because Gabriel had spent most of the day hanging out with Sam and Balthazar, actively avoiding him.

By the time 7 PM finally rolled a around, Castiel had decided to just make do with one of his brother's white shirts and a pair of his own black jeans - he knew Dean wouldn't look any better anyway. He quickly poked his head into Sam's room and informed the others that he was going to hang out with Dean for a few hours, then walked nervously down to Dean's room and knocked on the door, suddenly remembering he hadn't even attempted to tame his hair. He hoped Dean wouldn't mind.

When finally Dean opened the door, Castiel was greeted with a pretty bunch of roses and a brief hug from Dean.

"I hope they're okay...I'm no good at shopping for flowers and shit like that. I'm a hopeless romantic, I guess."

Hopeless romantic. Castiel liked the sound of that. Dean Winchester, the hopeless romantic.

"Thank you." Was all Castiel could think to say. "They're beautiful."

"I, uh, I don't have a vase for them though." Dean admitted.

"It's fine, they can do without water while we go eat." Castiel replied as he placed them down on top of Dean's dresser.

"That reminds me: we should probably get going...I've got a reservation booked for half seven and I really don't want us to be late."

 

They paid for a taxi to the restaurant, and once Castiel had climbed from the car he, Dean took his arm and walked him over to a small Indian restaurant with ceramic tigers out the front.

"Thank Sam." Dean said after they were seated at a nice table near a window at the back of the restaurant. "I've barely got twenty dollars left. But I wanted to take you out anyway...Sam said he'd help me out."

"Does Sam know we're here?"

Dean nodded. "He promised to cover for us if I didn't get you back in time before Gabriel starts to worry." Dean fiddled with his napkin nervously. "But I don't wanna think about Gabriel right now. I just wanna think about you."

Castiel felt a flush pass over him and he didn't dare think of what he must've looked like; probably sweaty and red, grinning to himself like a goddamn lunatic.

Castiel had never found it as easy to talk someone as he did with Dean. With Dean, their conversation always seemed to flow without the slightest thought going in to what he was saying. With Dean, he didn't care if his jokes weren't funny because Dean laughed willingly at everything he said. Even their silences weren’t as awkward as they’d been before. He felt comfortable. Happy. And he wished he could just sit and talk with Dean like this every day; he loved watching Dean blush and giggle like a school girl - it was so strange yet so reassuring to see this side of him.

After they'd finished their meal and were waiting for the bill, Castiel couldn't help but notice Dean watching him closer than usual. And even after they'd paid and made their way all the way back to their hotel, Dean was still watching him in exactly the same way.

Castiel stopped Dean outside the hotel and sighed. "Do I have food on my face or something?"

Dean laughed quietly. "No, no. You look great."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?"

"Looking at you like what?"

"You know what I mean, Dean. You've been staring at me the same way for about half an hour."

"Wasn't."

"You were. What is it?"

"Well, I was just...I was just _thinking_."

"About what?"

"I was just thinking how much I'd like to spend the night with you tonight. I don't want to have to take you back to your room with Gabriel and wait until morning to see you again. I want to sleep with you beside me like we did in Kansas and see you lying with your head on the pillow next to mine the second I wake up. And then I want to sleep beside you every night after that, because honestly I've never felt like this about anyone before. I want to be with you all the time - no - I _need_ to be with you all the time."

Castiel felt his heart stop, and when he looked up at Dean he was fighting with himself to speak.

"I...think...that...no-scrap-that...I _know_ that I'm in love with you. And I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way but that's how I feel and you deserve to know-"

"Shut up and kiss me, you ass."

Castiel stepped forwards and took Dean's face in his hands; the feeling as their lips met was one that Castiel had been craving since that night in Pennsylvania, and he'd almost forgotten how sweet Dean's lips felt since then. Dean placed a hand on Castiel's waist and pulled him closer, breaking the kiss so that he could rest his forehead against Castiel's with his eyes gently shut.

"I'm an idiot, aren't I?"

Castiel smiled and kissed him again. "Yes you are. But you’re _my_ idiot."

"Your idiot?" Dean said breathlessly. "I think I'm okay with that."

Castiel moved his head to Dean's chest and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him tightly. A slight summer’s night breeze ruffled through his hair and he smiled to himself in content.

"So, can I spend the night with you?" Castiel asked in a whisper. "Because I want to. More than anything else."

"Of course you can. Your mine and I'm yours. Screw Gabriel. Let's go."

 

Castiel and Dean practically raced up to their floor; once inside the room, Castiel pushed Dean up against the closed door and began to kiss him again. Dean reached out and ran a hand through the other boy's hair before proceeding to watch as Castiel unbuttoned his shirt for him.

"Look at you…taking control." Dean smirked. “I like it.”

"Shut up." Castiel said quickly, before hooking two fingers into Dean's jean pockets and pulling him over to the bed. Dean stood there awestruck, watching the younger boy with a sleepy smirk of want seeping into his face. And when Castiel backed him onto the bed he couldn't help but let out a small moan of anticipation and Castiel climbed on top of him.

Dean reached out to unbutton Castiel's shirt, only to find his hands batted away by the other boy, who insisted he did it himself. Dean didn't mind, though, because it gave him an excuse to work on unbuttoning Castiel's flies, his hand brushing over the other boy's hardness as he did so. Dean watched as Castiel pulled his own shirt off and dumped it on the floor. He was beautiful; his skin was so perfect and soft that Dean wanted to just touch him, feel him, leave his mark over every inch of him. He shrugged out of his own shirt and reached out to trail a line down Castiel's chest with his finger; but Castiel disregarded his touch by lacing their fingers and pressing their lips together once again.

Dean moaned into Castiel's mouth at the feeling of another body moving over his, and looped his thumb into the waistband of Castiel's jeans to help him out of them. He broke from the kiss as Castiel shrugged out of his jeans and climbed quickly out of his own before returning his hands to Castiel's body. They sat there for a few moments: both sitting up, Castiel's legs now sitting loosely around Dean's waist, just looking back at each other, and Dean swore that Castiel's bedroom eyes were the single hottest thing he'd ever seen.

Castiel pushed him back onto the bed again and deepened their kiss, hands gripping Dean's hair desperately whilst Dean traced circles on his thighs with his thumbs.

" _You are perfect_." Dean breathed as Castiel's lips reached his neck, reaching out to the bedside table to retrieve a new box of condoms and a small bottle of lube. "I never expected this."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Castiel growled as he nipped at Dean's neck.

Dean's opened his mouth to speak but it seemed his words were replaced with a desperate moan as Castiel's hardness pressed briefly against his own.

 

Dean let his hands move to Castiel's spine, running his hands right down his body until he came to his boxers, and gently began to pull them away.

All of a sudden Castiel froze, and he sat back, looking down at Dean from on top.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked softly.

Castiel glanced at the condoms and lube lying beside them on the bed and sighed, climbing off of Dean and sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He felt bad - Dean had obviously planned to have sex with him - but he just didn't feel ready, and letting Dean down was the worst feeling in the world. "I can't do it. I'm _so_ sorry, Dean."

Dean sat up slowly. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to."

Castiel shook his head. "I want to, but...I just don't think I'm ready. I'm scared, Dean. I don't want to rush into it."

Dean sat beside him and placed a kiss on his cheek. "It's okay, buddy. I can wait as long as you need me to. My first boyfriend had to wait nearly a year and a half before I was ready to have sex with him for the first time. It's totally normal."

Castiel nodded and sighed again, leaning in to rest his head gently on Dean's shoulder. Dean reached out and took Castiel's anxious fist into his hand, running his thumb across his perfect skin.

"Thank you." Castiel whispered. "If you don't mind, I'd kind of like to sleep right now."

"Of course." Dean smiled warmly. He kissed Castiel’s hand just once, before climbing onto the middle of the bed and pulling the bed sheets back. Castiel climbed onto the left side of the bed and Dean climbed in beside him, pulling the covers back over the pair as they went. Dean then wrapped his arms around Castiel, just like they did back in Kansas, and whispered goodnight. But by the time Dean had finally shifted his own body into a comfortable position for the night, Castiel was fast asleep.

 


	9. Tennessee (part 1)

When Castiel woke up the next morning, the first thing he saw were Dean’s lazy green eyes watching him from only an inch away. He was running a gentle thumb over Castiel’s cheek, and when he saw that Castiel was awake, a huge grin spread out across his face, little crinkles appearing at the corners of his eyes.

“Morning.”

Castiel moaned as he stretched, and Dean sat up to kiss him on the forehead. “Good morning, Dean.”

“Sleep well?”

Castiel nodded sleepily and fell back against the mattress. “What time is it?”

“Half-six. I've been awake since five, mind. Couldn't fall back asleep.”

Castiel smiled sympathetically and sat up. “Well, I guess I should head back to my room before Gabe wakes up and realises I didn’t return back from your room last night.”

“Do you have to? Can’t we lie here for just a little longer?” Dean sighed, laying himself back down beside Castiel, looking up at him with shy eyes. "Gabe probably isn't even awake yet."

“I want to stay here with you too, but Gabe will kill _both_ of us if he finds out I spent the night with you.”

Dean rolled onto his back, hands resting on his stomach. “We didn’t even do anything bad last night. Just kissed a little. Gabe needs to chill.”

“He’s just looking out for me, Dean. You’d do the same for Sam.”

Dean looked up at him. “I guess you’re right.”

Castiel leaned down to kiss his lips again; it was weird to be able to kiss Dean whenever he wanted to. It was relieving. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Dean nodded and watched Castiel redress himself. “Okay.”

***

Castiel pushed the door to the hotel room he shared with his older brother gently, being sure not to wake him. But once Castiel had fully shut the door behind himself, the room’s lights flicked on to reveal Gabriel sitting up on the edge of his bed.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Just…hanging out.”

“With Dean?”

“With Dean, yes.”

“I tried knocking on Dean’s door last night but there was nobody in there.” Gabriel said, eyebrow raised.

“We just went out, okay? Give it a rest, Gabe. Dean’s not a _monster_. Besides, hanging out with him last night was actually kinda... _fun_.”

“Oh, I somehow disagree with that.”

“Just leave it. I’m back now. I’m completely okay. I’m _more_ than okay.”

“Where did you go?”

“I told you: we just went out.”

“Did you go to a bar? Did he ask you to take drugs again?”

“Just stop, okay?" Castiel laughed angrilly. "You’re so worried about Dean being bad for me when _he_ was the one who saved me back in Kansas. Or don’t you remember that part?”

Gabriel huffed and stood up, ignoring him. “Why are you wearing my shirt?”

“The rest of mine where dirty.” Castiel mumbled. He turned away from Gabriel and proceeded to grab his wash bag from his backpack.

“Castiel…if there’s something you need to tell me, just say it.”

Castiel ignored him. “I’m having a shower. Go meet the others for breakfast or something.”

***

When Castiel finally emerged from the bathroom he found the rest of the guys already sitting around in his room dressed and ready to go. Balthazar had booked them tickets for the Rockefeller building to watch the city from the sky, and Castiel had no choice but to come. Besides, Dean would be there, and he could hardly argue with that.

The five of them took the subway all the way to Manhattan, and Castiel was overwhelmed with how busy it was. There were people literally everywhere he looked, bustling about their daily routines amid the madness of tourists and business men. At one point he nearly lost the rest of the group, but he felt a hand slip into his own and was reassured by the presence of Dean, and Castiel didn’t let go until they’d reached the inside of the Rockefeller building.

The elevator journey up to the top was a little awkward; Dean was standing perhaps a little too close to Castiel, and Gabe was beginning to get agitated with each second that passed. Thankfully the elevator journey was only 43 seconds long, but it sure felt like a lot longer with Gabriel’s constant glare.

Once they reached the top, Castiel walked over to the glass wall separating him from the city below and sighed happily; sixty seven floors up, and it was still pretty warm up there. The air carried a slight chill but it was refreshing, and the whole city seemed to be recklessly at peace. He liked the insignificance that came with being up there; he was looking down on other people’s lives and nobody would even pass a second thought about the lonely dark haired kid standing sixty seven floors above the ground.

“Quite a view, huh?”

Castiel looked up to see Dean at his side. The others were nowhere to be seen. “It’s something.”

“It is.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

Castiel smiled and stepped closer to him, feeling Dean’s arm emerge around his waist. “Right now, I feel happy. _Really_ happy.”

Dean smiled shyly and pulled Castiel into a proper hug.

“I haven’t felt this happy in a long time.”

“Come here.” Dean smiled, placing his lips to Castiel’s head. Castiel just held him and closed his eyes, allowing himself to just _breathe_.

“Dean?”

“Cas?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Cas. So much.” Dean breathed happily, reaching up to hold Castiel’s head to his chest.

***

They arrived back at the hotel at approximately nine in the morning, and the five of them proceeded to pack up their things. Castiel found the silence shared between him and his brother a little awkward as he shoved his dirty shirts into his rucksack; he wanted nothing more than to break the quiet by switching on the radio or TV, but he knew he couldn’t do anything to annoy or even remotely irritate Gabriel, because he knew that if he did, Gabriel would go off on a rant and he wouldn’t stop until they reached Texas.

“I get it, okay?”

Castiel looked up at his brother. Perhaps the silence had finally gotten to him.

“I understand. I just wish you’d be honest with me for once.”

“I’m sorry?” Castiel frowned.

“You and Dean…you’re… _you-know_.”

Castiel didn’t reply, just cocked his head to the side a little with a slight squint in his eyes.

“I saw you earlier. Top-o-the-Rock. He kissed your head. I saw it all.”

“I…”

Gabriel huffed. “Don’t bother with the petty excuses, kiddo. You like him. He likes you. I get it. Just, Dean’s…well…Dean’s _Dean_. I’ve heard stories from Sam about him, things that he’s done to people he’s dated in the past, and I’m just worried he’ll do the same to you.”

“You’re not worried about that, Gabe.” Castiel sighed, climbing into the middle of the bed to retrieve his laptop charger. “You know that Dean cares about me. You know he doesn’t treat me the way he treated Lisa. You’re just worried that I’ll end up like him.”

“Cassie-“

“Stop. I knew it from the moment Dean asked me to go drinking with him on that first night in Vegas. Well, you really don’t know him, Gabe. He makes me _happy_.”

Gabriel shook his head and turned back to his neatly folded boxer shorts sitting on a pile by his pillow.

“Don’t ruin this for me, Gabe. I’m finally in a good place. I’m finally okay with being me. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Of course that’s what I want for you. I just don’t think you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Castiel shrugged. “Well if Dean turns out to be a big mistake, so be it. But right now I’m happy, and I’m not going to let anything ruin that. Not you, not anybody.” He sighed and zipped up his bag. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I just want to pack my things and leave.”

 

Once they were packed up in the car – the five of them reunited to hit the road together once more – Sam pulled out his map of America and ran his finger over the high-lighted route to Texas.

They were now heading for Houston, Texas, where Dean had made arrangements for the group to spend a few days with his old school friend Benny. The journey was to take them twenty-five hours (twenty-seven depending on how many gas stops they’d have to take), and Dean was set on making the whole trip in one, without a single overnight stop. The group’s pessimism didn’t seem to faze Dean; but, really, other people’s pessimism never seemed to ever faze Dean at all.

***

Eleven hours later, half way into their trek to Houston, they were steadily cruising down a Tennessean highway with the radio playing quietly in the background; nobody was really listening to it as such, but conversations had finally run dry and there was nothing else to fill the silence as they drove.

Castiel wished he could sleep to pass the time, but with Gabriel’s heavy breathing in his ear and the constant distraction of Dean sat in the driver’s seat, he knew that it would never happen. So instead he was enjoying the way the red sunset washed over every surface of the car, giving everything a healthy, calming glow. He loved the way the scene outside the window seemed to amplify the feeling in his stomach – a wholehearted feeling of happiness that he’d missed for so long - when suddenly the natural warm light was stolen by a sudden flash of blue. Then red. Then blue. Then red. Then blue. Then red.

"Cops. Dammit." Dean hissed as he glanced up in his wind mirror. The road was more or less empty, so there was no doubting that they were the ones being signaled to pull over.

Sam frowned, glancing at the car's speedometer. "What? What could they want? We're nowhere near the speed limit."

"Well it looks like we're about to find out." Dean mumbled as he pulled over at the side of the empty road.

Dean rolled down his window and the five of them waited patiently in silence as the police officer approached them.

"Can I help you, officer?" Dean asked up at her.

The officer reached out and rested a hand against the roof of the car, peering down at the five boys looking back at her.

"Sir, are you aware that one of your tail lights is out?"

"My wha-I'm sorry, officer, I wasn't aware of that."

"Well driving with a bust tail light is an offence that warrants a hefty fine." She sighed. "You can either pay it up front right now or come back to the station with me."

"How much are we looking at paying?" Sam asked.

"Fifty, hundred, hundred ‘n fifty to two hundred, depending on how I feel." She smiled sweetly.

"I don't have that much." Dean turned away from her so that she couldn't hear. “Fuckin’ corrupt cops, man. Do any of you have cash?”

"Not after your little run-in with the law back in New York." Gabriel said flatly.

Dean sighed and turned back to the cop waiting at his window. "I'm sorry, officer, but we don't have the money. Don’t you think that fine’s a little high for a blown light? Can’t you just give me a warning and let us get on with our journey?"

"Are you questionin’ my authority, boy?”

“No ‘mam.”

“Well your only other option is to spend a night in one of our cells back at the station."

Dean looked back at her without a word. She took his silence as an agreement.

"Well it looks like I'm going to have to radio back to the station for another car to come pick up the rest of y'all. In the meantime, sir, can I see your license?"

"My license?!" Dean said suddenly.

"That's right, sir. Your license."

"Well, uh, of course you can see my license." Dean smiled sweetly, but Castiel could see right through the smile, and instead saw the smirk of deception which he admired. "Just let me get it outta my wallet. One second."

The cop nodded and leant back on her heel as Dean began to dig through the small black leather wallet in his hand. Dean watched the cop closely as she turned her attention to the radio at her shoulder.

"Buckle up, boys." Dean muttered as he continued to rifle through the expired cards and fake IDs in his wallet.

Just as the cop returned her gaze to Dean, expecting to be presented with a license, he dropped the wallet into his lap and slammed his foot down on the gas pedal. The car roared fast down the empty highway and Castiel looked back out of the rear window just in time to see the cop talking frantically into her radio as she ran back to her car.

"What the hell, dude?" Sam spat, gripping the door handle for dear life.

"Sometimes you've just gotta take a risk." Dean winked back at his brother as he turned quickly off at the first junction they reached. “Besides, I’m not spending another night in a goddamn cell.”

Castiel met Dean's eye in the wind mirror and felt his stomach flip a little when Dean winked back at him. He loved the way Dean's elbow sat so casually to one side as he drove one handed at nearly ninety miles an hour. The more he watched Dean, the more he wished he had the guts to do some of the things Dean did. After all, Dean was the only person Castiel knew who was willing to take the chance of a fast get-a-way from a cop to avoid paying a fine for busted tail light.

"I don't even have my license with me." Dean laughed as he finally slowed down on a country road. "Haven't had it since we left California two and half weeks ago."

"You're such an idiot." Sam muttered.

"But you love me anyways."

 

Just as they thought they were safe, two police cars appeared behind them, lights flashing, sirens blaring.

"Dammit." Dean hissed.

"We're _all_ looking at a pretty respectable fine." Gabriel muttered from Castiel's side in the back seat.

"Down there." Balthazar said, pointing. "They won't be able to see us in the trees."

"You want me to drive into a forest?!" Dean spat as the car sped down the country road.

"Just do it." Sam demanded. “We don’t have much choice.”

Dean took a sudden turn into a break of an empty forest road. The trees around them were so thick and so tall that they nearly completely blocked out the evening sky, leaving them immersed in almost complete darkness. The Impala's headlights were the only thing allowing them a vague idea about where they were heading, and after five minutes speeding through the forest, they'd almost completely lost any vague idea of where the highway had even been; they couldn’t even hear the sirens anymore.

"Gabriel, keep an eye on the road behind us. I'm pretty sure we lost 'em but I'd rather we were safe than sorry." Dean instructed.

Gabriel did what he was told and turned around in his seat. Castiel glanced round too and found that the road behind them was nothing but pitch darkness, except for the one working tail light that illuminated only a couple of inches of the road behind them.

But just as Castiel turned back around he caught sight of something dart quickly in front of their moving car.

"DEAN!" Castiel yelled.

Dean yanked the wheel quickly to one side, causing the Impala to veer suddenly from what little road they had to follow and straight into a ditch lined with big fir trees. With a sudden crash, the five of them lurched forwards and Sam carried on until his head came into contact with the car's dash board in front of him.

For a few seconds they stayed silent, just breathing, just letting themselves know that they were still alive.

"Is everyone okay? Sammy? Cas?"

"Fuck." Sam moaned as he slowly sat back up, rubbing his reddening forehead with a shaking hand.

"What the hell happened? Why are we in a ditch?" Balthazar spat, swivling round in his seat to look back at the road they'd inadvertently vacated in favour of a ditch. 

"There was a deer," Castiel explained. "There was a deer, or _something_ , and it ran in front of the car."

"Well I didn't see a damned thing." Gabriel huffed.

"Deer or no deer, we've gotta get my baby outta this ditch." Dean said. "And then we gotta get back on the road. I told Benny we’d be there at his house in Houston just in time for lunch. I don't wanna let him down."

The five of them climbed from the car in the pitch black darkness with only flickering torches and the dimming glow of the Impala's failing headlights to illuminate their surroundings. Dean had instructed Castiel to stay out of the way holding the torches while he, himself, sat in the driver’s seat and revved the engine, the other three desperately trying to push the car back out of the ditch. But the engine faltered and the air was suddenly thick with smoke from the motor, and after nearly two hours of trying Dean called it quits.

They were stood around in near complete darkness just looking from one to another for any sign of what to do next. It was getting cold – too cold, even for the Tennessean mid-summer - for them to stay outside. Besides, anything could have been lurking in the darkness surrounding them, and the thought of that made Castiel's bones shiver until he found himself clinging to the sleeve of the jacket Dean was wearing. To say he was scared would be an understatement - he was absolutely petrified; so were the other four , and although they did their best to mask any trace of fear, Castiel could still tell by the tone of their voices and the quickness of their breath.

In the end they decided stay the night in the car - it would be too dangerous to venture out into the forest with no sense of direction and no light to illuminate their path - then once the day's light returned, they would head back out into the highway and walk along together until they came to a motel. Once they reached the motel they would then decide on what to do about their busted ride. Their _only_ ride.

Sam sat up front in the driver's seat and fell asleep instantly, Gabriel in the seat beside him with his short legs stretched out resting in Sam's lap. Balthazar sat in the far right of the back seats with his head resting on a hoodie propped up against the window. Castiel sat tucked under Dean's arm, taking in all his warmth as silence consumed the car.

He didn't dare open his eyes - not that he would've been able to see much anyway - because he was terrified of the thought of being stuck in the middle of a forest in a broken down car at midnight. The only thing he could think to do was sit as close to Dean as possible and listen to his steady heart beating in his chest.

"Don't be scared, I got you." Dean whispered once he was sure that everyone else was asleep.

Castiel nodded. "I know." He felt Dean's chin resting carefully on the top of his head.

Dean tightened his arms around Castiel's waist and shifted his body do that he could hold him more easily. "Once we're outta this forest everything will be okay. I promise."

Castiel smiled into the darkness and let his body fill with warmth as Dean kissed the top of his head. It was only a small gesture but it made him feel a safe. It made him feel like whatever bear, or stag, or monster, or demon that could possibly be lurking in the forest around their car was insignificant, powerless. When Dean held Castiel close like that they were the only things that even mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you liked it please kudos it and/or leave a comment - it means a lot!!<3


	10. Tennessee (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, sorry for taking so long to update!! I've been so busy with starting sixth form and everything that I've hardly had any time to even think about uploading the next chapter (which had been ready since mid-june)!! (also sorry in advance for the second half of this chapter - i am not a guy so i do not know what a handjob feels like i'm so so sorry if it's a bit shit) 
> 
> Secondly, I didn't realise quite how much work i'd have to do for my A levels in my free time (and i only started them three days ago), which means I'll have considerably less time to write and upload, especially with the addition of my job now too, so I will probably only be uploading weekly instead of every three/four days like i usually do. 
> 
> Please give kudos if you like it so far, or a comment if you have any feedback to give me (seriously it all motivates me to write). Thank you for reading!! <3

**Tennessee**

Once the early dawn had adopted the sky and the birds started their daily chorus, the five gradually woke to find a dim blue hue setting into the world around them. There was something about the early morning feel of the forest that made Castiel feel stupid for ever fearing the outside world, because it seemed like something out of a fairy tale with dew hanging in the tall grass at the foot of the ditch and a soft silver mist swirling in the early summer air.

"Anyone got any food?" Dean asked as he stretched his legs as best he could with Castiel's woven in-between.

He was met by the reply of numerous mumbled 'No's to which he huffed. Castiel felt Dean's stomach grumble desperately against his lower back which prompted Castiel's to do the same.

"We need to walk to the nearest motel." Sam decided. "Maybe we can get some food when we get there."

"What's the point?" Castiel huffed. "None of us have enough money for a motel room, or any food."

"He's right." Dean sighed. "We were gonna stay with Benny down in Texas for a week and help out on his ranch to earn a bit of money for the rest of the journey. We're stuck."

"Well if you'd just paid that damned fine to that cop we wouldn't be in this mess." Gabriel huffed from the front passenger seat."

"With what money?" Balthazar sighed. "We only have about twenty dollars left between us."

"We could just use the last of our money to hitch a ride to a pay phone in the closest town? I could call mom and dad to send us more money to get us back on the road." Dean suggested.

"I'm _not_ hitch-hiking." Sam stated. "No way. And nobody is gonna have enough room to pick up all five of us anyway."

"Then we'll spilt up." Dean said simply. "I’ll stick with Cas, the rest of you three together."

"No way. Castiel is staying with me." Gabriel decided.

"You've never hitched a ride in your life! He'd be much safer with me - I'll actually know what I'm doing. You'd probably end up sitting in the back of some psycho's van."

"I don't know if it's occurred to you yet, Dean, but I don't trust you to be left alone with him. Not after Kansas, anyway."

"I thought we'd moved on from that." Dean sighed, climbing out of the car angrily.

There was a couple of seconds of silence before Gabriel climbed out quickly after him. The cool morning mist circulated around the car and Castiel could smell the early morning rain still hanging thick in the air.

"You think I'm just going to be okay with the fact you’re secretly fucking my little brother? It’s sick, Dean. I’ll be damned if I ever let him spend the night in the same room as you again.”

Castiel exited the car too and watched the two stepping up to confront each other. He wished that there was some way he could just get his brother to see the truth, but he knew that Gabriel would never listen, and it would take a thousand blows from Dean before he’d admit defeat.

Gabriel raised a fist. There was no way in hell Gabriel would ever win a fight against Dean, but he sure liked to believe he could. Dean just looked down at him and laughed as if his opponent was a little kid - Dean always thought he was so big and strong, invincible, always the one with the power in the group - and that really got at Gabriel's nerves. Before anybody could do anything, Gabriel socked him right across the jaw, causing Dean to stagger backwards a few steps before quickly regaining his balance in time to throw a punch of his own. Only, Gabriel managed to dodge his blow, and by the time Dean went in for Attempt Number Two, the other two had vacated the car in order to restrain them both.

"Stop this." Castiel said, looking up at Dean who had eagle eyes on his brother, clenching his jaw angrily. Gabriel shrugged out of Balthazar's restraint and rubbed the fist he'd used to hit Dean. Castiel reached out and placed a hand on Dean's forearm and watched the way he relaxed instantly. "Both of you, just stop."

"I'm sorry." Dean mumbled, stepping back towards the car. He didn't get in, just stood with his arms across the roof breathing in the thick forest air in deep long breaths. "Your asshat of a brother just - ugh - I don't even know anymore. He just needs to chill."

Castiel sighed.

"We'll stick together then." Sam said finally.

"We'll walk for hours before anyone comes along with a big enough car to pick up all of us." Gabriel huffed.

"So be it." Sam said as he popped the Impala's trunk and grabbed his bag, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

***

So the five of them set back off through the forest with their bags over their shoulders, Castiel with his laptop clutched to his chest. Sweat was already beginning to bead at their brows, and none of them had quite anticipated the desperate need for water in the early morning sun.

"If we get mauled by a bear, this is all on you, _Dean_ , for having that bust tail light." Gabriel muttered.

Dean just carried on without a retort and just placed an arm around Castiel's shoulders, mostly because Dean wanted Castiel to feel safe, but also partly because he knew it was the best way to get Gabriel to shut up.

The five of them pressed on without another word until they reached the edge of the forest and were back on the highway from the night before. By then, their legs were already heavy and every kilogram they were carrying on their backs felt like a tonne. God know how long it would be before they managed to hitch a ride; in the worn-out state they were in, they would've accepted a ride from just about anybody.

After a short disagreement about the direction they needed to travel, they decided on heading south because Dean was almost certain they'd been heading south when the cops had begun to chase them. And so they set off trudging along the dead-grass bank at side of the highway, watching half-heartedly where they stepped in order to steer clear of snakes, or anything else to set back their journey for that matter.

Two hours into their trek and Castiel had fallen to the back of the group. He was hungry - hungrier than he could ever recall being in his life - and every bone in his body felt cemented together, stiff, unmoving. He tried calling out to Dean who was leading the group but his voice was hoarse and his throat throbbed from a desperate need for water. In the end it was Sam who relieved him from the weight of his backpack and Balthazar who let him swallow the remaining few inches of water he had left in his bottle.

Just after twelve, a rusty old truck with an old wooden trailer filled with hay bales pulled up beside them, and out jumped a twenty-something year old man with a mullet wearing tattered dungarees and a plaid shirt with mud-laden boots.

"You boys looking for ride?"

"Yes." Dean said quickly before any of the others could get out a single word. Sam stepped forwards to argue but Dean pushed him back. "Where are you heading?"

"South a couple a' miles. I can take yer further if need be." The young hillbilly smiled.

"Got enough room for five?"

"Five? I got room for twenty-five!" He hooted. "Y'all just climb up in the back of my truck. You, kind sir, can be up in the front with me."

"Damn straight." Dean grinned back at the others. "I dig this guy already."

***

Dean being Dean, he somehow ended up confessing the group's money troubles to the man, Ash, who offered the five of them a night's work at his mother's Roadhouse and an empty barn to sleep in that night. Of course Dean accepted this offer without consulting the rest of the group, but that was just the way Dean liked to do things. Besides, it didn't look like they were coming into any other money any time soon, and money was what they needed more than anything. What's more, Ash even offered to help tow the Impala from the ditch and bring it to his barn the next morning to help inspect the damage, and for Dean, that was an offer he simply couldn't refuse.

After sitting cooped up in the back of the truck for nearly half an hour they finally came to a small wooden shack at a crossroads which was apparently owned by Ash's mother, Ellen. They were quickly introduced and given a couple of sandwiches and a cool glass of water each, and the five of them got to work on the shift. Ellen had promised them a sum fifty dollars each if they worked twelve hours. Dean said they'd work fifteen for sixty, and so it was agreed. It wasn't much, but it was enough so that they'd be able to afford food, gas and motel rooms until they reached Dean's friend Benny in Texas, and that's more than they could've asked for.

"Look at you, waiting tables." Dean winked as Castiel placed a tray of empty glasses at the bar for Ellen to put away. It was getting late, about eleven that night, and Castiel found a deep blush setting into his cheeks. As he tried to make a quick getaway he found himself tripping over the leg of one of the bar stools.

"Don't tease he poor boy like that." Ellen smiled. "You're makin' him get all nervous."

Castiel laughed awkwardly and Dean just responded with another wink. It didn't even occur to him that Dean had somehow managed to get out of actually working by sitting at the bar sipping beer as he talked to Ellen and Ash until Gabriel mentioned it and nearly started a riot.

Throughout the night, Castiel was playfully teased by the truck driver's wives and hillbillies who sat at the tables of the bar whenever he went to serve them. It was mostly due to the fact he was so young and naive-looking compared to everyone else in the joint, and once one of them caught sight of Castiel looking back shyly at Dean, the teasing just continued. But he didn't mind it. He just had to blush and giggle innocently at everything they said and they'd tip him nearly ten dollars a pint because he was 'so darn cutesy'.

That was, he was all up for joking around until he caught sight of Dean sitting too-close to a blonde girl on a bar stool beside him, and Castiel could've sworn he kept glancing down her top whenever she looked away or took a sip from her beer glass. After that his mood completely switched. He wasn't in the mood to joke anymore. All he wanted to do was steal Dean away and curl up in a ball, and he felt so damn stupid for it.

Castiel returned to the bar and slammed his tray down hard, causing a couple of the glasses to fall over, but nothing broke. Dean looked over suddenly at him and grinned.

"Cas, I'd like you to meet Jo. She's Ash's sister. She's takes photography classes on Sunday mornings. She's beautiful too."

"Dammit, Dean, tell the girl something she doesn't know." Ellen laughed.

Castiel didn't say a word. He just looked over at Dean with a stiff jaw and waited for Ellen to collect the glasses from his tray.

"Yeah, he's a little shy." Dean shrugged as he turned back to Jo.

She giggled and told Dean he was funny, even though he hadn't said anything remotely of the sort, and it just made Castiel's hands begin shake with frustration.

As the night drew on, the bar began to empty out slowly. Dean had disappeared too - he'd gone home with Jo and hadn't even bothered to say goodbye before he left.

About an hour and a half later, as Castiel was silently cleaning up someone's spilt drink with a mop across the other side of the bar, he felt someone approach him from behind, and when he turned around he saw that it was just Sam.

"Hey." Sam smiled briefly as he sat himself down on table. It was nearing three AM and the bar was more or less empty, only the lonely men going through divorces and women who'd drunk too much and been left behind by friends remained. "Dean's a jerk. But of course you'd already guessed that the moment you met him."

Castiel nodded. "That's true."

"He rarely thinks before he does things, but really his-"

"If you're going to lecture me about why I should forgive Dean for getting off with that girl, Jo or whatever her name was, just stop, okay? I forgive him. And I understand why he went home with a pretty girl - it's because he just can. Because he's a good looking guy and he can get with anyone he likes the look of."

"You don't have to just accept that, Cas. It's not fair on you."

Castiel smiled a sad smile. "I don't care for what's fair on me anymore. If he wanted to go back to Jo's house to fuck her then that's good for him. I'm happy that he's happy. She can give him what I can't."

Sam paused for a moment then sighed. "He loves you, you know. Dean wouldn't fly across the continent and back just to prove to himself that he really loved you over the women he swore he was going to live with forever if he didn't mean it."

"People change their minds." Castiel shrugged.

"Dean's not like that." Sam said. "Dean doesn't let just anybody into his head the moment he lays eyes on them way he did with you."

"Maybe he made a mistake."

"Dean Winchester doesn't make mistakes. Not the Dean Winchester that I know, anyway." Sam smiled.

Castiel smiled too, but it was half-hearted and barely visible.

"Come on. Ash has a barn we can stay in for the night. I'm sure Dean will be back with us again before you even wake up."

"I hope so." Castiel said quietly. He did. Really.

 

***

Castiel woke the next morning with a stiff back and hay in his hair. Slowly he sat up on the hay bale he'd fallen asleep on and stretched out slowly, taking in the now naturally-lit surroundings of Ash's barn. Sam was still asleep on the floor beside him, Gabriel next to Sam, and Balthazar's voice could be heard outside along with Dean's voice, and Ash's.

Sullenly he sauntered out into the bright morning to assess the situation. He winched a little as the sunlight bathed his eyes, but once his eyesight had fully adjusted he was able to fully take in his surroundings: Ash and Balthazar were bent over the Impala's smoking engine, Ash's tow truck parked a couple of meters away. Dean was standing a few feet behind with a grave face and an arm around Jo. She was wearing his jacket. It made Castiel's stomach turn. He was holding something in his hand, and when he spotted Castiel standing in the middle of the yard his face lit up and he held the object in his hand up in the air as some sort of half-wave.

"Hey, Cas!" Dean grinned.

Castiel didn't even want to look at him. He turned to head back into the barn but he heard footsteps fast approaching him from behind, and suddenly an unwelcome hand was placed on his shoulder. "Where are you going?" Dean breathed with a smile.

Castiel just shrugged and tried to walk away again.

"Stop, come back. I've got something for you."

He felt Dean press something into his hand. At first he couldn’t work out what was now in his hand, but when he _really_ saw what he was holding, he found that they were Polaroid pictures; some identical to the ones he'd found in Dean's jacket pocket back in Kansas, and few he'd never seen before of himself, and Dean with his Car, or Dean smoking at a past bar, or the two of them together - again, a picture he was too drunk to remember being taken.

"Why are you giving these to me?" Castiel said coldly.

Dean looked hurt and Castiel instantly felt bad about talking to him in that way.

"I want you to have them."

"Why?"

" _Because_ I was up until five AM this morning developing them for you with Jo in her basement. I'd been having trouble with my camera since New York - the film was jammed and I thought it was wrecked for good. I got talking to Jo about it last night and she told me how she's a photographer in her spare time - she takes classes at the community centre on Sundays - and she promised to help fix it for me."

Castiel looked up at him, unblinking.

"There was a lot of film to develop; most of it really _was_ wrecked. Took _hours_ , man. But we managed to save the best ones and I just wanted you to have them. I'm sorry for leaving last night without warning; Jo said we needed as much time as possible and I guess I kind of wanted it to be a surprise."

"So...you didn't fuck her?" Castiel said slowly. He felt like an idiot.

"What? No! Is that why you were ignoring me just then, because you thought I'd _fucked_ her?"

Castiel nodded dimly.

"Oh, Cas, you really think I'd do that to you?"

"Sam seemed to think you would, too."

Dean sighed and pulled a piece of hay from Castiel's hair. "Well I wouldn't. I may be a lot of things but a cheat certainly isn't one of them. I’m yours. _Only_ yours. That isn’t changing anytime soon. Got it?"

Castiel smiled and hugged Dean tight around his waist, and loved the way it felt to have Dean's strong arms holding him back.

"Thank you," Castiel smiled into his chest and slipped the Polaroid pictures into his jeans pocket, "I love them. Thank you."

Dean pulled back and flattened Castiel's hair a little. "Now _that's_ outta the way, it looks like I'm gonna have to call my uncle Bobby to come and tow us to Texas. Baby's wrecked. Benny'll know how to fix her up just right when we finally get to him."

***

 

" _Dammit, boy, do you really expect me to drive half way across the country and back just to tow your damned car_?" Bobby had spat over the phone.

Dean stayed silent. He knew that he was asking a lot from Bobby to do that for him, especially as he had a scrap metal yard to look after as his only source of income. Helping Dean and the boys out would mean he'd have to close up for at least a week, and when you're a lonely recovering alcoholic, that's an extremely long time.

" _I'm not some darn slave of yours, yer know_." Bobby huffed. Dean had the phone on speaker lying next to him as he cleaned glasses at the bar. Castiel was stood beside him putting the now-clean glasses back into their correct cupboards.

"I know Bobby, but it would really mean a lot. We have a bit of money between us now - we could pay you?" Dean suggested, looking over at Castiel with an uncertain grimace. Jo was sat on a stool beside him and Ash was out in the yard of his ranch a couple of meters down the road showing Balthazar how to drive his tractor. God knows what Sam and Gabriel were up to.

" _I'm not taking yer money."_ Bobby grunted. _"But I'm only doin' this on the conditions that you don't try and out run a cop car to escape a night in a cell or a petty fine ever again. Hear me, boy?"_

"Yes, Bobby."

" _Yer parents are a couple of idjits for letting you go on this damned road trip. I'm sure as hell this ain't the first lot of trouble you've ran into neither_."

Dean's silence confirmed this for Bobby.

_"Yer a goddamn fool, boy."_

"Thank you for doing this."

" _If this ain't what family's for, I don't know what is_." Bobby sighed. “ _I'll reach you in about eighteen hours. Stay outta trouble 'till then, okay_?"

"Okay. Thanks again."

" _No sweat. Idjit_."

The line beeped dead.

***

Ellen proposed to hire the boys to work another shift - only five hours for twenty dollars each - and they accepted. It was a Monday night and there wasn't many people to cater for anyway, only the sad drunks and the horrifically depressed. Dean even decided to get his hands dirty for once and started to wipe tables, but by the time he was half done, it was already time to lock the bar up for the night.

"I can't just leave it half clean." Dean moaned as Ellen switched out half the lights.

"Fine." She said. "Take these." she threw him the keys to the bar. "You can stay 'till you're done but don't forget to lock up afterwards."

Dean smiled triumphantly to himself and swung the keys around his thumb as he watched her exit the roadhouse and the door shut closed.

And just as Castiel was about to step out the door, Dean called him back.

"Hey, Cas, stay with me, would you?"

Castiel considered this. "I don't know, Dean, I'm _tired_."

Dean didn't have to say anything else, only one look at Castiel with big eyes until he finally caved in.

" _Fine_." He sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bar. "But please don't take too long. I just want to sleep."

Dean smirked and dumped the rag he had been using down on a half-clean table. He then walked quickly over to the bar, jumped over it in one swift movement, and grabbed a pair of glasses from an underneath cupboard.

"What are you doing?"

"Having a little fun." Dean said as he filled the glasses half full of whiskey.

"You can't just drink Ellen's alcohol without paying for it." Castiel sighed as he took the glass from Dean. Dean jumped back over the bar and watched as Castiel pressed the glass to his lips. Castiel hadn't even realised what he was doing until the bitter taste of whiskey filled his mouth and laced the back of his throat as he swallowed.

Dean smiled sweetly and opened Castiel's legs where he was sitting on the bar and stepped slowly between them, running his hands up and down Castiel's arms leaning in to kiss him. Their lips met and Castiel felt the guilt twist in his stomach - the same feeling he always seemed to get when he kissed Dean without Gabriel knowing. Dean sensed his unease and pulled back, placing a tentative hand on the side of Castiel's face, his thumb gently stroking the soft unbroken skin on his cheek, feeling the curve of the bones and the structure of the face he loved more than anything; the face with the eyes that could persuade him to do things no man should ever consider doing; take a bullet to another man's brain, take a bullet to his own.

"You're so..." Dean trailed of, lost in a sea crystal blue.

"So...?"

"...so..." Dean kissed him again, eyes half closed, then raised his lips to Castiel's ear to whisper in a single breath, " _perfect_."

Castiel felt his cheeks flush red and leant his forehead against Dean's as he felt the older man’s fingers intertwine with his own.

His heart started to quicken as Dean brushed his thumb over his lips and he let out a small moan; the reply to Dean's statement, and the sudden need to immerse himself in _Dean_.

Castiel kissed Dean first this time; hands carefully holding the back of Dean's neck as Dean kissed him back harder, more desperate, leaning his whole body against the younger boy, sharing body heat in the already too-hot summer air of the bar. Castiel's bones weakened at the thought of another man pushing against him, running fingers through his hair, and subconsciously found himself bucking against Dean a little. Dean laughed a short breathless laugh that tasted like whiskey in Castiel's mouth, and bucked back, pressing his crotch harder against the younger boy. Castiel felt the sudden urge to giggle as he felt something hard in Dean's trousers rub briefly against his thigh; it never occurred to him that he could turn a man on to such an extent as that, and he quickly swallowed his giggle before he choked on it and ruined the moment. He didn't want to stop feeling Dean moving against him as they kissed. He never wanted the moment to end.

Dean moved his lips across Castiel's jaw until they found their place on his neck. Castiel held his breath as Dean kissed, nipped, sucked the sensitive skin, causing goosebumps to erupt over every inch of his skin and his own crotch to harden with a desperate urge for more, which gripped his every thought.

"I want you." Dean moaned into Castiel's neck, now pushing his crotch against Castiel's. The feeling caused a burn and a quick breath of pleasure to pass his lips. "I _need_ you."

Castiel suddenly became increasingly aware of Dean's hand slipping into his jeans, into his underwear, fingers gently taking hold of his dick, moving slowly. Castiel let out a moan that resulted in more of a choke than anything else. Dean kept his eyes closed and his lips just behind Castiel's ear, breathing heavily, telling the younger boy that he was beautiful, encouraging him to relax. Half of him wanted to tell him to stop, that it was wrong, that he shouldn’t be touching him like that. But the other half – the stronger half - craved the feeling more than anything.

As Dean's hand began to move faster, Castiel found his own breathing had become ragged, wanting, needing more. He needed Dean. Wanted him. Every part, every inch of Dean. He wanted it all. And then he reached a fever pitch he'd never experienced before - every nerve on his body was sent spiralling into a desperate state of over-sensitivity. He could feel every inch of Dean against him, every bead of sweat forming at his brow, every one of Dean's hot pants against his neck. All of it. He tried to hold it all back. He really did. Mostly because he was afraid of what Dean might say if he released himself when his hand was right there, jerking back and forth, slick with pre-come. Would Dean be angry that he'd only managed to last thirty goddamn seconds? Disappointed that he was too desperate to hold it back? Maybe Dean would laugh at him, at how pathetic he was, and never want to do anything like this too him again.

But the more Castiel thought about Dean's hand wrapped around his cock, the more the feeling intensified. He was desperate, pleading with himself to let go. It felt so good. He knew it would feel better if he just came there and then. But he didn't want to show weakness, and he didn't want Dean's hand to stop moving that way - he could've let Dean jerk him for the rest of time if this build-up of desperation had ceased to intensify.

And then it call became too much. His crotch burned. His heart shuddered. He needed to let go before it all became too much. He didn't care what Dean would say anymore, the only thing he cared about was the pent up desperation he so very much needed to let go of. Every muscle in his body was sent into a mini spasm and the breath in his lungs hitched at the back off his throat.

And then he felt it.

He felt his crotch release suddenly, and before he knew what he was doing, he came hard and fast into Dean's hand with a throaty whine of relief and content.

Castiel closed his eyes and leant back against the bar as Dean removed his hands and quickly grabbed a roll paper towels from behind the bar to clean up the mess. For some reason he felt dirty; he'd never been touched like that by _anyone_ before, let alone a man, and the thought of it just simply made him feel unclean.

But when Dean returned and placed his hands on Castiel's hips, leaning in to kiss him once on the cheek before taking one of his hands and interlocking their fingers, the feeling suddenly went away. Dean kept holding Castiel’s hand loosely as he turned out the lights, as he slipped a twenty dollar bill into the till to pay for the whiskey they'd consumed, as he locked up the bar. He kept holding Castiel's hand as they walked through the darkness of rural Tennessee, across a dirt path surrounded by masses of fields with newly sprouting crops. He held his hand all the way back to the barn they were sleeping in, and as they lay down to sleep together in the hay, being sure not to wake the others as they snored softly.

 

And Castiel woke up the next morning with Dean's body pressed close against his own, Dean's chin resting on Castiel's shoulder, and they were still holding hands.

Tomorrow would be a new day in a new state. A new day with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/comment, it means a lot <3 (sorry for any typos btw, I'm too exhausted to edit properly)


	11. Texas (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took me over two weeks to post this...i've been sooooo busy with school work and everything. I'm so so sorry. Anyway, i hope you guys like this chapter (next chapter is gonna get a little interesting between dean cas and benny after this dw ;-)) if you liked it please leave kudos or comment any feedback. thank you!! (and sorry again for taking so long!!)

** Texas  **

Castiel washed himself up in the bathroom of Ellen's small home, a field away from the Roadhouse and twenty-or-so yards from Ash' barn. Dean was already downstairs eating breakfast in the dining room with the others; his uncle Bobby had arrived to collect them just after nine and was so excited to see him that he couldn't even be bothered to wash up himself. Castiel didn't quite share his excitement. From what he'd overheard from Dean's phone conversation with him, Bobby seemed a little intimidating. And the booming unfamiliar voice from the floor below didn't put his mind at ease one bit.

When he finally emerged in the dining room doorway, Castiel took in the sight of a large bearded man, tattered cap atop his head, whiskey already in hand at quarter to ten. Dean and Sam were sat either side of him and neither seemed to notice the presence of the small dark-haired boy hovering nervously by the door. They were too busy laughing and joking and talking about their getaway from the cops two days prior. In fact it was Bobby who stopped the conversation to look up at him standing up to offer him a hand to shake. Castiel shook his hand with a brief smile but stayed standing.

Dean looked up at Castiel and winked discreetly. It made his cheeks flush red. "Bobby, I'd like you to meet Castiel." Dean smiled happily. "He's Gabriel's brother."

Castiel shuffled the weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. 'Gabriel's brother' was not the introduction to this man that Castiel had hoped, but it was easily forgiven; perhaps Bobby held the same conservative views as Dean's father? Or perhaps he simply didn't agree with that part of Dean's life? Either way, Castiel pushed it to the back of his mind and felt his cheeks redden even more as Dean pulled a chair up to the table beside him and gestured for him to sit down.

"And, Cas, this is Bobby."

"Nice to meet you Bobby."

Bobby raised both eyebrows. "Good to meet you too, kid."

 

Once he was seated, Ellen placed a plate on the table in front of him, and he reached out to place a piece of dry toast on it, gingerly taking the butter from where it sat in a disfigured cube in front of Balthazar. A silence consumed the room, broken only briefly by the crunch of Castiel nervously spreading butter over his toast, desperately willing for someone to just say _anything_. But no one did, and the only thing Castiel could do to stop himself from noticing the humoured grin on Gabriel's face from across the table was to keep his eyes on his toast as he pulled the crust away from the bread and took the tiniest bite.

***

After they’d eaten, Bobby offered to wash up as thanks to Ellen for letting him stay for breakfast, and Dean decided to help him. Castiel was just heading down the hall towards where his laptop and bag was sat at the bottom of the stairs when he heard his name mentioned. He stood still halfway between the kitchen door and the landing at the bottom of the stairs, debating whether to leave or stay. He knew it was wrong, just like it had been back in New York, to listen to someone else's conversation, but he simply couldn't stop.

"So, Castiel seems like a decent guy."

Dean laughed softly. "Yeah, he's great."

"But what I'm wondering is: when are you are gonna tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Come on, boy. What do ya take me for? I certainly ain't no damned fool."

"I-"

A pause.

"How long?"

Dean still hadn’t caught on.

“You and that kid? How long?”

"Since we've been together? Well…it was the last night in New York. Since I started liking him? The first time I saw him back in Cali."

"You serious about him?"

"Yes."

Silence, followed by the sound of a playful slap on the shoulder. "So it’s a guy this time? It's been a while since you were serious 'bout a guy, Dean."

"I know."

"What was the name of the first guy you swore you were in love with when you were sixteen? Dammit, boy, I can barely remember a darn th- Oh! Benny! The kid's name was Benny!"

"Yeah, that's him."

"You were sure you were gonna marry him and your father didn't like that one bit! What in god's name happened to him?! Why'd you ever break up?!"

"He moved with his family to Texas at the beginning of my senior year of high school. I haven't seen him since he left..."

"Wait...is this the same Benny in Texas you're makin' me tow your damned car to?"

"Yes, I-"

"You're a goddamn fool." Bobby spat. Castiel felt the warmth instantly sucked from the air. "You're an idiot. Why in the hell do you think that it's okay to drag your boy into Benny's home, make him stay under the same roof as the guy you swore was endgame not even seven years ago?!”"

"It's fine, Bobby. Staying with Benny had been part of the plan since before I even knew Cas existed."

"You haven't seen him in nearly eight years! What the hell are you gonna do when you see him again and realise you're still as in love with him as you were when you last saw him?!"

"That's not gonna happen, Bobby. I swear...I love Cas more than I ever loved Benny."

"Does your boy know about your past with Benny?"

"No. And he's not going to, okay? Just as Benny won't know that I'm with Cas now. Neither of them have to know a single thing."

"You idiot."

"Bobby-"

"Save it, boy. It ain't gonna be me you'll have to apologise to when the truth comes out."

Castiel was going to get out of there. Really, he was. But Bobby had already swung the door fast open before he could even consider turning away, and Castiel was left face to face with Dean, both staring apologetically back at each other with wide eyes and open mouths.

“Dean-”

“Cas-”

“Did you, uh, did you hear any of that?”

“I…I did, yes.”

“Listen, I’m sorry,” Dean started, but Castiel didn’t care enough to listen to whatever bullshit explanation he’d be faced with.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not…”

“I’ll pretend we’re not together. If that’s what you want, I can do that.”

“I don’t mean to be-”

“It’s fine, Dean. Okay? I’ll pretend. Whatever.”

Dean stopped. Looked down at him. Frowned. “You’re okay with this?”

Castiel shrugged indifferently.

Bobby grunted and pushed past them both, heading out the door. A wave of heat washed over them as the front door closed behind him, and Dean was still looking down at Castiel with a look of utter confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“What’s there to be confused about? You don’t want your ex to know that you’re bringing your new boyfriend to stay in his home…I get it.”

“You do?”

“Of course, Dean.” Castiel said, a slight, half-forced, smile on his lips.

“You’re not mad?”

“No…I mean, Sam had been planning this trip for ages. And it’s not as if we exactly planned for this to happen between us.”

Dean sighed with relief and placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “Thank you, man.”

Castiel smiled. “Grab your bags. Ash has hooked the Impala up to Bobby’s truck and we’re leaving any minute.”

***

“You boys have a safe trip to Houston, ‘kay?” Ellen sighed as Dean, Castiel and Balthazar made themselves comfortable in the pick-up’s trailer. For some reason he didn’t quite envy Sam and Gabriel sitting up front with Bobby yet.

Dean pulled a tattered woollen blanket over their legs and placed and arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “We’ll be fine, Ellen. I promise.”

Sam stuck his head out of the pick up’s window from the front. “Thank you for taking care of us these past days…I honestly don’t know where we’d be if you hadn’t agreed to let us stay.”

“No problem, ‘kay? It was great gettin’ to know you boys. Just take care, alright? And be sure to keep in touch.” Ellen smiled, putting an arm around each of her children’s shoulders and pulling them close; Jo leaned into the hug, but Ash stayed exactly where he was, looking over at his new friends with a slight look of sadness in his eyes.

“Don’t forget these!” Jo said suddenly, stepping forwards to place a hamper full of freshly made sandwiches and bottled water into the trailer. “Should last you the trip to Texas.” she smiled warmly.

“Thank you guys. We’ll find a way to repay you one day.” Balthazar smiled.

“Goodbye!” Jo grinned.

“See ya.” Dean smiled in return.

The tow truck’s engine kicked into life and the trailer began to rattle. Dean placed a kiss to the top of Castiel’s head as they set off down the dusty road of rural Tennessee, waving goodbye to the Harvelles with heavy hearts.

***

The journey to Texas took just short of fourteen hours. It was hot sitting in the trailer as they drove down the highways of the south, and they found themselves having to stop every couple of hours or so for a water break and a quick swap of seating arrangements. But as soon as they returned to the highway they’d be speeding, pedal to the ground, across the country as if there was nothing in the world was worth a second thought because they were there, on the long open road, and heading to their next destination.

 

Just as the sun went down painting scarlet across the Texas sky, Bobby’s beat-up tow truck pulled the equally as beat-up Impala into the driveway of Benny’s pristine Houston home. Castiel had never seen a house like this before; it was _huge._ He admired the large tall windows with the dim orange glow from inside, and the well-kept lawn with the tidy marble path that lead up to a set of steps up to the small porch where a large oak door sat.

Castiel climbed wearily out of Dean’s arms to stretch his legs; he’d fallen asleep at some point during their final three hours, but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and stretched his legs; they ached like hell and he was _starving,_ and he wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower and curl up with Dean. But that certainly wasn’t happening any time soon. He stood up in the trailer and jumped over the sides after Balthazar, Dean following behind them.

 “Deano!” A young man, whom Castiel assumed to be Benny, grinned as the door of the house was thrown open. The man nearly leaped onto Dean, and Dean hugged him back equally as enthusiastically, both of them nearly losing balance.

“Great to see you, man.” Dean smiled happily as he slapped him on the back.

Benny held him out at arm’s length and smiled, a soft sigh of relief escaping his throat. He opened his mouth to say something, but caught sight of Castiel standing a couple of metres away and stopped instantly, looking over at him with startled eyes and a sudden paleness to his cheeks as he stepped away from Dean, pushing him lightly to the side to offer Castiel his hand.

“I, uh, I don’t believe we’ve met.” Benny said breathlessly.

Castiel took Benny’s outstretched hand and shook it numbly, wondering why he hadn’t offered to shake the hand of any of the others. “I’m Castiel.”

“Well, Castiel, it’s nice to meet you.” Benny replied, “Welcome to Texas, I guess. You must be starting, I-” when he realised they were still shaking hands, he stepped away suddenly and looked over at his old friend apologetically. Dean raised his eyes at Castiel and nudged him lightly as Benny grabbed their bags from the floor and carried them over to the front door where the others were waiting. Castiel grabbed the blankets Ellen had given them for the journey and noticed Dean looking down at him with a humoured grin.

“What?” Castiel frowned up at him.

“Nothing!” Dean laughed.

Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Benny just seems to have taken a liking to you, that’s all.”

As Benny pushed the door to his home open, a large Alsatian bounded over to Dean and jumped up against his chest, trying to lick his face much to Dean’s protest and desperate attempt to push the large dog away.

“Naomi, behave yourself in front of our guests.” Benny hissed at her, playfully tapping her nose. He walked the guys into the living room and told them to dump their bags down anywhere. The large Alsatian, Naomi, went about sniffing their possessions before finding something in one of Sam’s bag’s that she seemed all too keen to get at. Benny hissed at her and she looked up, two small brown eyes amid a coat of thick fur, and quickly retreated back to her master’s side.

“It sure is nice to see you again, Sam.” Benny smiled, slapping Dean’s younger brother on the back playfully. “And to meet all your college friends. Make yourselves at home, okay?…I’m setting out dinner on the table in a few minutes if you’d like to all head into the dining room.”

“Dinner sounds good to me.” Sam smiled as he left the room, Gabriel and Balthazar following close behind him.

“Good plan. First I gotta hit the can. Save me place, alright?” Dean winked at his old friend, and Castiel felt his stomach tighten.

“Castiel, perhaps you can help me prepare the last few bits and help me carry it through?” Benny asked with a hand on his shoulder.

Castiel agreed and followed the strange man into the kitchen. It was no secret as to why Dean had obviously fallen for this guy nearly eight years ago; he was good looking and seemed honestly kind, in a sincere sort of way that Dean lacked. His smile was warm but his eyes were cool, and he seemed _genuine_. And he made Castiel laugh with stupid jokes and stories of questionable things that had happened to him, telling him not to make the same mistakes he had when he was younger. Castiel listened and giggled and smiled up at him with a sort of profound respect – he’d never found it so easy to get along with someone like this…not since Samandriel left Boston back in his sophomore year of high school anyway…Benny really felt like the first real friend he’d made for himself in a very long time.

Benny sliced bread from a home baked loaf and handed them to Castiel to butter; and after they’d buttered nearly half a loaf between them, Benny asked Castiel to carry it into the dining room where the others were now sat around a large oak table, Naomi curled up in a patch of evening sunlight streaming through the window. Benny followed after him with a tray of six bowls of home-made tomato soup, and then they finally sat down to eat.

***

"I’m tired.” Castiel announced as he carried his empty bowl into the kitchen. Benny and Dean were stood around the dishwasher loading it with pots, pans and various cooking utensils. Gabriel and the others were outside playing fetch with Naomi in the bright patio lights that seemed to illuminate nearly the whole of Benny’s one-acre garden. “I think I’m going to get some sleep.”

Dean stepped forwards to pull him into a ‘goodnight’ hug, but quickly remembered his decision to keep their relationship a secret from Benny, and retracted by grabbing a bread knife from the kitchen counter beside Castiel and awkwardly shoving it into the cutlery compartment of the dishwasher.

Benny looked over at Castiel and smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Come, I’ll show you your room and grab you some blankets fresh out of the dryer.”

“Okay.” Castiel said quietly as he followed Benny out of the kitchen, looking back at Dean for just a second – long enough for him to see him looking over at him with a half-smile and an expression in his eyes he didn’t quite recognise.

 

Castiel dumped his bags by the wall in the spare room he was staying in for the next few days. It was the first time since they’d embarked on the trip that he’d had his own room to sleep in, and for some reason the loneliness didn’t seem right. Perhaps it was the need to have Dean with him, or the fact he’d gotten so used to another person’s presence. But the feeling of staying on his own made his heart sink a little – an uneasy feeling to say the least.

Benny walked in with an armful of freshly washed linen and placed the pile at the end of Castiel’s bed, “Would you like me to get you a glass of water?”

“No thank you, I’m fine.”

Benny smiled and stepped beside him, placing a tentative hand on the small of his back. “Suit yourself. Perhaps tomorrow we could get to know each other? Dean seems awful fond of you, and I can see why. Perhaps we could hang out?”

Castiel blushed and frowned down at the floor shyly. “That sounds nice. Thank you.”

Benny stepped away and gestured at the bed. “Well make yourself at home…if you need anything in the night, my room is opposite yours. The bathroom is at the end of the hall. Alright?”

Castiel nodded.

“Sleep well, kid.” Benny winked as he stepped out the door.

“Goodnight.” Castiel smiled awkwardly, standing in the middle of the room with his arms hanging uselessly down by his sides.

With a brief laugh from Benny, the door closed, and the only thing that could be heard was the ticking of the hand-made pine clock on the wall and the gentle hum of the air conditioning. Slowly he pulled his shirt off over his head, his dirtied jeans too, and dumped them in a pile by the wall, looking over at his reflection in the tall mirror hanging high on the wall.

He took in the newly-forming lines on his forehead – surely he was too young to get wrinkles, right? And the darkness under his eyes seemed more noticeable than he could remember it being before. His hair was a mess too; he hadn’t given it a second thought since before his date with Dean back in New York, and the bird’s nest it now was seemed to be now growing into his eyes a little. But he didn’t mind. He didn’t care. He didn’t feel a mess…certainly not as messy as he looked, anyway. And, besides, the exhaustion seemed to push any doubt to the back of his mind as he climbed into bed and pulled the crisp, freshly washed sheets over his body.

Reaching over to switch out the light, he noticed a small framed photograph sitting atop the bed-side table. He picked it up. It showed Dean - teenage Dean – sitting there with teenage Benny on the empty bleachers of his high school; they were smiling honestly, Benny looking at the camera, Dean pressing a kiss to his cheek. Castiel noticed their fingers interlocked, and the small silver rings that both of them had on their fourth fingers.

As he placed the photograph back down he wondered if Benny had put the photograph in there beside Castiel’s bed on purpose. He quickly pushed the photo away as the door opened, and in stepped Dean.

“Couldn’t let you go to bed without saying goodnight.” He mumbled shyly, crossing the room to sit on the edge of the bed where Castiel was lying.

“Look at you. You’re so young.” Castiel said up at him, then looking over at the picture sitting at eye-level where he lay propped up on one elbow.

Dean frowned and followed Castiel’s gaze. He picked up the photograph and held it in his hands for a few moments before turning it face down on his lap, drawing an uneasy breath before returning his eyes to Castiel’s. He didn’t say a word.

“You must’ve been, what, sixteen when that was taken?” Castiel asked quietly.

“Seventeen. Well, Benny was seventeen. It was taken on his seventeenth birthday.” Dean said, his eyes crinkling slightly at the sides as he spoke. “My birthday wasn’t until January…I always hated the fact he was older than me, even if it was only by four months.”

“And…” Castiel started, and he didn’t know whether to finish. But he swallowed hard, and looking down at his hands, and continued to speak. “And you’re engaged?”

Dean sat up straight and looked down at Castiel with a sort of sorry affection he’d never seen Dean show before. “We _were_ engaged.” He said. “Until his family packed up and moved half way across the country without saying goodbye. One morning I woke up and cycled to the apartment he’d been living in with his mom and he was gone. That was it.”

Castiel reached out and took Dean’s hand.

“His dad had been released from prison. Dammit, Cas, he was terrified of his dad…He just wanted to disappear without a trace so his dad would never find him. And I guess it worked, because I only found him again a couple of months ago, after seven years of searching.”

“And…you still love him?”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t love him. Not anymore. I couldn’t bear to love him anymore after he did that to me…I was messed up for a while after that. I began to realise that I was poison to everyone I knew. Benny’s dad hated me for the fact his son was gay. Like, he couldn’t bear the thought of it. That’s why his dad started beating him…and it was me who called the cops on him one night. Benny was livid; he loved his dad, despite all the shit he put him through…he really believed his dad was hurting him in order to fix him…and, _god_ , he wanted his dad to fix him so badly.”

Dean swallowed hard and looked down at the over-turned photograph in his lap. “After a while Benny forgave me for getting his dad locked up like that, but I still saw the resentment in his eyes every goddamn time he looked at me, because he didn’t want to be in love with me, and who can blame him? I’d torn his family a part…After his mother found out what his dad had been doing to him every night for three months, she became paranoid. She wouldn’t let him out of the house after dark, and jumped every time the doorbell rang. She began to drink. A lot. And so did Benny. I was watching all of this happen…a year and  a half I watched them suffer because of something I did. Poison. I was poison. I tried to save the guy I loved and I just ended up making everything worse.” He looked over at Castiel again. “I shouldn’t have been so surprised when he disappeared. I was an idiot for thinking a cheap piece of metal around my finger meant a damned thing to him. But he’s Benny, hey? Benny Lafitte. And somehow I’d known from the start that it wouldn’t end the way we both wanted it to.

“And I guess that’s why I brought you all here…because I want it to end the way it never did. I just want to leave here in a couple of days feeling like we had a proper goodbye, because no matter how much I may’ve loved him back then, I know I’ll never love him again. I love you, Cas, a thousand times more than I ever loved him, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m keeping our relationship a secret from him because I still have feelings for him, because I don’t.”

“Then why are you doing it?”

Dean opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t have an answer anymore, no matter how many times he’d silently tried to search for a reason in his head.

“To make it easier.” He replied finally. “Now, you should get some sleep, alright?”

Castiel nodded and settled down into the bed, letting Dean pull the sheets up over his chest. “Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean smiled and leant down to kiss him gently, pulling away slowly to look down into the big blue eyes staring back at him. “Sleep well, okay?” He picked up the photo frame and carried it away; stopping at the doorway to turn back and quickly whisper “I love you,” then shutting the door firmly behind him.

***

Castiel woke early the next morning to his bedroom door opening slowly. He rubbed his eyes and looked up to see Benny stood there dressed in khaki shorts and a fishing vest.

“Good morning.” Castiel yawned.

“Mornin’. I know it’s kinda early but do you wanna go fishing? Nobody else is up yet and I need someone to help me with the boat.”

Castiel sat up. “Okay. Give me five minutes.”

Benny grinned. “Sure. I’ll be downstairs loadin’ up the car.”

***

Castiel met Benny in the driveway and climbed into the front seat of his four-by-four. He felt kind of awkward sitting there as Benny turned the ignition, smiling over at him every few seconds.

“Maybe we should ask Dean to come with us?” Castiel suggested. “You’ve probably got a lot of catching up to do…”

Benny shook his head. “I don’t wanna hang out with Dean. I wanna hang out with you. Alright?”

Castiel nodded and forced a smile.

“We’ll be home by lunch anyway, I’ll catch up with Deano then.”

 

They arrived at the lake shortly after nine, and Castiel helped Benny to load the fishing rods and tubs of bait into the small fishing boat he was hiring. Once they were set and ready to go, Castiel climbed into the boat and took a seat at the front, looking out at the vast expanse of water that sat calmly before them. The air felt light and the sun was only just beginning to warm the water, and the stillness of it all made him feel comfortable, and maybe just a little more at peace about the fact he was sitting in a boat with his boyfriend’s ex without Dean knowing.

Benny seemed indifferent to Castiel’s apprehension and carried on talking as he switched the engine and set the boat at a steady pace into the middle of the lake.

“Dean’s probably told you that we used to be together, right?”

“Yeah, he did mention it.”

Benny laughed gruffly as he switched off the boat’s engine and began to set up the fishing lines. They’d reached the middle of the lake and were more or less completely alone. “Well that ended between us a long time ago. Last I heard he was goin’ steady with some girl he met in California.”

“Not anymore.” Castiel said simply as he took one of lines Benny handed him. “He broke things off with her when we were in New York.”

“Oh, really? Well, you got a girl, Castiel?”

He opened his mouth to reply, but remembered suddenly that Dean didn’t want Benny to know, and shook his head instead. “No, and girls aren’t really my…you know what I mean.”

Benny winked. “I get you.”

Castiel smiled awkwardly and hated himself for having to lie to Benny about being single when he was being so damn nice to him. He was looking ahead out at the still water in front of him when he felt a hand on his knee. Castiel looked down at the hand on his knee then up at Benny with a slight frown.

Benny paused; hand still on Castiel’s knee. “It’s weird…”

“What is?”

“The fact I never really bothered to get out there and date again after I left Dean in Kansas.”

Castiel kept watching his face as he spoke.

“I guess after two years and an engagement it’s kinda hard to find somebody who’ll make you forget all that. But how come seven years later Bobby’s crappy truck rolls into my driveway with the guy who I regretted leaving all that time ago and four other guys in tow, it all disappears?”

Benny took a deep breath and turned to look at Castiel at his side, but as soon as Benny saw him looking up at him with his big blue eyes, he found himself leaning closer to kiss the young boy’s mouth.

Castiel knew it was wrong to have led him on like that…he should’ve told him to move his hand; he should’ve pulled away too, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that to Benny. Benny was just caught up in it all and Castiel didn’t want to upset him, even if he had gotten the wrong idea.

Benny placed a hand to Castiel’s face and deepened the kiss, keeping his other hand resting gently on Castiel’s knee. He felt Benny’s breath hot in his mouth, and the guilt of kissing another guy was burning in his gut. As Benny pulled away, Castiel couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, and stood up to check his fishing line instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment and kudos if you liked it!! thank you!! <3


	12. Texas (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that it took me over three months to update this. I'm not even going to begin explaining everything that's been going on in my life at the moments that's lead to the update being held up so long because it would take too long to explain, but i really do feel sooooo bad for keeping you all waiting. I've got a pretty good idea of where the story is heading so hopefully it won't take another three months before i update again.
> 
> sorry if this chapter is kind of shit i wrote half of it in september and the rest has been written over a period of three months.
> 
> comment or tweet me any feedback, or kudos if you liked it so far <3 <3 <3

“Hardly seen you today.” Dean sighed, fixing the towel around his waist as he appeared in the doorway of the room Castiel was staying in, shutting it behind himself as he stepped inside. Castiel looked up from his laptop screen and smiled; he’d never quite gotten used to how good Dean looked fresh out of the shower, even after the first time he’d seen him like that back in Nevada. “Woke up for Sam to tell me you’d gone off fishing with Benny.”

Castiel looked down at his hands resting on the keyboard and felt the dip in the bed as Dean climbed over beside him. He shut his laptop and placed it on the wicker chair sitting by the bed and curled up into Dean’s warmth. “I would’ve woken you, but Benny said not to.”

Dean leaned in and placed his lips to Castiel’s head. “It doesn’t matter. I just missed you is all. And I was thinking…” he trailed off.

“About what?”

“About what’s gonna happen when we return to Cali.”

Castiel sighed and replaced his head on Dean’s chest. “I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to think about what our lives will be like when we get back.”

Dean laughed briefly, lazily twisting Castiel’s hair around his finger. “I was thinking about what we’re gonna do. I mean, I’m practically homeless now that Lisa and I are done. I was gonna suggest moving into your place on the university campus, but that would never work out. And then I thought…maybe we could find a place _together_. I could drive you to college every morning, and I’ll find myself a job someplace that pays good and be home in time to cook you dinner in the evenings. We could make it work. I’m sure of it.”

Castiel smiled to himself and looked up at Dean. “That sounds nice.”

Dean nodded. “It does.” He smiled, placing two fingers to Castiel’s chin, tilting his face gently up towards him. Slowly, tentatively they kissed; Dean’s lips lingering over Castiel’s for just a moment, silently lost in his thoughts met by the buzz of electricity that had seemed to hijack his every nerve. But then he felt a hot flash of guilt spread over him as he suddenly remembered kissing Benny back on his boat, and he found himself pulling away slightly in a desperate attempt to forget.

The part in their lips was enough to send Dean’s body into a brief state of withdrawal, followed closely by the quick relapse as their lips met once again, harder this time. Castiel climbed over Dean and continued to kiss him, being certain not to leave any inch of Dean’s exposed chest untouched. Dean’s hand rested on the back of Castiel’s neck, his thumb gently stroking the soft patch of skin just under his neck, the other hand desperately trying to free himself from the towel he was dressed in. Castiel helped to rid him of the towel and found himself looking down breathlessly at the sight of Dean’s naked body, before quickly resuming their kiss with more desperation and hunger than he’d ever felt before.

But every time he let his eyes close, he’d be reminded on the horrible guilt swelling in the pit of his stomach – guilt he knew he’d never be able to shake if he kept it to himself for the rest of the trip.

“Dean.” Castiel mumbled, lips against his neck. “Dean, I need to tell you something.”

Dean looked up at him, big green eyes so content and happy…Castiel couldn’t ruin that for him. He couldn’t hurt Dean in that way. Because it would. It would hurt him in a way Castiel swore he’d never hurt anybody. So he shoved Benny to the back of his mind, and let Dean’s fingers work the flies of his jeans until he was able to slip out of them with ease. Dean then quickly pulled the younger boy’s shirt off over his head, dumping the discarded clothes on the floor at the foot of the bed, and ran his hands down Castiel’s bare back, watching the goosebumps erupt over his arms, feeling the softness he was so used to. “What is it?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Castiel swallowed with a sharp breath, leaning in again to place a kiss his throat. Dean let out a quick breath of content then placed a hand quickly to Castiel’s cheek, tilting his head up slowly so that he could look into the younger boy’s blue eyes.

“You’re sure you’re okay, aren’t you, Cas?”

“Yeah.” Castiel nodded. “I’m fine.”

“You _sure_?”

“I’m sure, Dean. I’m _fine_.”

Dean smiled uncertainly and sat up, pushing Castiel backwards so he was now on top, their naked legs tangled between them. He kept on hand on Castiel’s waist as he moved against him slowly, their lips meeting between gasps for breath.

But as much as Castiel tried to focus on Dean, Benny still lingered at the back of his mind, and the guilt that accompanied such thoughts carried like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach.

 “Okay, answer me honestly this time. Are you _sure_ you’re okay, Cas?”

He wanted to say no. He wanted to confess to letting Benny kiss him. He wanted to tell Dean just how guilty he felt about leading this man on – and not just any man – a man Dean used to love. He wanted to tell Dean that it wasn’t Benny’s fault. He wanted to tell Dean that the guilt of leading him on that far was eating him alive, but he just couldn’t face hurting him like that.

“Yes. I told you: I’m fine.”

Dean gently pushed Castiel off from on top of him and sat up to look him in the eye. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Castiel looked up at Dean; did he know? Had Benny already told him? No...he was being paranoid. Benny would never talk to his ex about things like kissing a new guy. That would just make for awkward conversation, right?

“I’m fine, Dean.” Castiel spat, maybe a little too harshly. He sighed and climbed off of the bed, grabbing his clothes and beginning to redress himself.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m just not in the mood for this, Dean, okay?”

“If it’s about me not telling Benny that we’re together, I’ll tell him. If you want me to I’ll do it. I know that it must seem like I’m ashamed of you but honestly I’m not, it’s just because of the whole fact we were eng-”

“Stop, okay? I’m just tired. You’re not gonna tell Benny, are you?”

“I-If you want me to I will.”

“Don’t tell him, Dean. Just…don’t.”

Dean smiled slightly. “If you don’t want me to I won’t.”

Just as Castiel had managed to force his shirt over his head, they were startled by a knock on the door.

“You in there, Castiel?” Benny called from the other side.

“Yeah. Hang on, I’ll be out in a second.”

“Alright.” Benny said. “I’ll wait for you in the garden. Sam ‘n’ Gabriel are wresting on the grass and I don’t think Balthazar really gets the concept of _supervision.”_

Castiel laughed statically and looked down at his feet. He watched the shadow of Benny’s feet under the door.

“I’m making stupid jokes again.” Benny laughed nervously. “Sorry…I’ll just…I was actually just gonna ask if you wanted to go out for dinner. I know a couple of nice places in town and I kinda wanna get to know you a lil bit…especially after earlier on the boat. I’ve, uh, we can book a table for half an hour…”

Castiel kept his eyes fixated on the ground. He couldn’t even bare to think about Dean sitting behind him, or what the hell he must be thinking. “I…I don’t know, Benny...”

“Please?” Benny replied, maybe a little too quickly. “You just seem like a really great dude and when we ki-”

“Can Dean come too?” Castiel cut him off. “I mean, he did come here to see you. I know he wants to catch up with you…you’ve not seen each other in nearly eight years.”

“Well, kid, I was thinking it could just be me ‘n’ you.”

“I think Dean should come too.” Castiel said undoubtedly, sneaking half a glance in Dean’s direction to see him pulling his clothes back on at the other side of the room. Castiel felt his body fill with a little relief.

Benny sighed. “If that’s what you want...”

Castiel didn’t care for Benny’s disappointment; the only thing he cared about was fixing the situation he’d gotten himself into, and he knew the only way to do that was to let him down slowly.

“I’ll see you in a minute then.” The shadow of Benny’s feet disappeared down the hall along with the sound of his footsteps, and Castiel sucked in a breath and looked back at Dean with heavy eyes.

“Benny seems to like you a lot.” Dean teased with his eyebrows raised.

Castiel didn’t respond, just sat himself down on the edge of the bed and pulled his socks over his feet, then his tattered shoes.

“Hey, it was a joke, alright? I know you may not like him too much because of our past, but I’m glad you’re getting along. You know I was kind of worried about him living down here in Texas where he didn’t know a single person-”

But Castiel didn’t care to listen to Dean talk about Benny, or about how happy he was now, because he knew that once Benny found out that Castiel was in love with Dean, and Dean loved him back, all that happiness would be gone in a matter of seconds.

“I kissed him.”

“Wh-…wait, what?”

“Well, technically he kissed me. But I didn’t stop him.” Castiel turned back to Dean and looked down at his own two feet. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t understand, Cas. Do you…do you like him? Is that what it is?”

“No, Dean.” Castiel looked up slowly to watch the expression of hurt transform into that of absolute anger. The next thing he knew, Dean was marching forwards towards the door, but as he reached out to turn the handle, Castiel stepped into his way and pushed him back. “ _Don’t_.”

“ _Castiel_ ,” Dean breathed. “Get outta my way. I need to…I need to-”

“No. Don’t blame Benny. You loved him once, remember?”

“You,” Dean breathed, “need to let me _at least_ talk to him about it.”

Castiel noticed the way Dean’s bottom lip quivered and how his hands were folded into tight fists at his sides. His breathing was harsh, his eyes were dark, and Castiel knew there was no way in hell he was letting him get anywhere near Benny when he was in a state like that.

“Just let me explain.”

“Explain what? He came onto you! It’s simple as that! And you know what? He needs to know that he doesn’t get to touch you like that, and make you feel so damned guilty about it like this. It’s what’s been makin’ you act all…all guilt-ridden, isn’t it? You feel to blame for all of this, and that sure as hell ain’t fair on you!!” Dean yelled.

Castiel took a small step backwards into the door as the sound of Dean’s voice rang loud in his ears. Dean watched his movements carefully and backed away, stepping back into the middle of the room with his hands behind his head.

“I didn’t mean to shout.” Dean admitted quietly, turning away to face the window and the darkening world outside. “It’s just hard to control yourself when you know you’ll eventually lose everything you love. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I _do_ understand.”

“No you don’t. I’ve lost everybody; Benny, Lisa, my dad… _everybody_. I can’t lose you too. Especially not to Benny.” Dean sighed, stepping forwards to lean on the window sill. He was nothing but a silhouette now.

“You’re not going to lose me.”

Dean shot him a disheartened half-glance over his shoulder. “Doesn’t feel that way.”

“I don’t love Benny. And I would certainly never chose him over you, is that too hard to understand? I met Benny two days ago. You’re just being paranoid.”

He watched as Dean sent him a dismissive wave from across the room, and that alone was enough to send a heavy feeling rushing through his body, threatening to drag him under. He’d have let it drag him under if Dean wasn’t there to witness it…he’d have fallen apart if he was all alone.

“Go out for your stupid date then.”

“It’s not a _date_.”

“Just _go_.”

Castiel sighed and lugged his own body out of the room, crossing the hallway and into the heavy orange glow of the hallway where he could see Benny waiting anxiously in the kitchen swinging his car keys nervously around his thumb. When he spotted Castiel waiting at the door, his mouth twisted into a half-smile, and Castiel could only wish for his face to do the same. He knew he was pushing the knife even deeper by going along to dinner with Benny, but what else could he do?

But as he crossed the lawn with Benny walking too close, and Dean’s gaze burning into his skull from the upstairs window, he knew he’d already made the wrong decision.

***

When Castiel returned that evening he headed straight for his room to pack his bags without a second thought. He knew this whole thing was too far gone – too far with Benny, too far with Dean. So once his bags were packed he climbed into bed and set his alarm for quarter to four in the morning, then lay himself under the covers fully clothed and closed his eyes to sleep.

But he couldn’t sleep. His eyes wouldn’t settle properly without seeing the image of Benny, pale faced, staring back at him with dying eyes. He knew that feeling – that feeling of disappointment – he’d felt it back in Pennsylvania when he woke to find Dean had flown to California to bring Lisa to meet them in New York.

And then there was Dean. Castiel didn’t know how Dean even felt about him anymore. He wasn’t sure if Dean would be relieved to wake and find him gone – probably half way home by midday. Or if he’d be angry – angry at him for running away from the problem like the coward he always knew he was.

His eyes flickered open to the sound of his alarm vibrating violently under his pillow, he slipped out of his bed and grabbed his shoes, pulling them onto his feet messily in the moon-lit room. His eyes were aching from need for sleep and his thoughts were hazed, but he managed to compose himself just in time to step out of his room and into the coolness of the air conditioned hallway with his heavy bag slung over his shoulder and his laptop clutched to his chest. Carefully he made his way down the tall marble staircase, being sure to keep his footsteps muffled and as quiet as possible. But once he made it to the bottom he knew he was free, and as he reached out for the lock on the door something caught his eye from the top of the stairs.

“Cas?”

Castiel turned round to see Dean standing there in his boxers and an old t-shirt, he squinted in the darkness and made his way down the stairs, bare feet padding towards him across the stone floor.

“Cas? What are you doing?”

“I’m just going for a walk.” Castiel lied.

“A walk? With all your stuff?”

“I’m…”

“You’re leaving.”

Castiel didn’t say anything.

“Don’t leave.”

“I need to; I’ve caused enough trouble so far on this trip. I just need to go.”

“And how are you going to do that? You can’t drive, and it’s not as if Stanford is within _walking distance_.”

“I’ve got money for a night bus…and I’ll hitch hike if I need to.”

“No.” Dean laughed. “No, no, no. No way. You’re _not_ hitch hiking on your own.”

Castiel sighed. “Well you don’t have much choice, Dean. I can’t stay here anymore.”

Dean frowned. “Well, why not?”

“I told Benny about us. I can’t stay here and get in between you both…you used to be so close and I can’t ruin another relationship for you.”

“ _Another_ relationship?”

“In the end it was my fault you broke things off with Lisa. I just can’t do that again for your and Benny.”

“Listen to me,” Dean said, placing a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, “what happened between Lisa and me was _not_ your fault. And Benny and I had been out of contact for over _seven_ years…”

“But things between you and Benny were okay before all of this.”

“ _Okay_? Cas, we were engaged and he just left town without a word of warning, didn’t even leave a phone number or address so I could contact him. I _hated_ him. For a while I even swore I never wanted to see him again. The only reason I even bothered to keep looking for him seven years later was because I’d gotten over it. And if you think that constitutes an ‘ _okay’_ relationship then, well-”

There was an uncomfortable silence, and Castiel found himself having to swallow hard to stop himself from crying. “I just want to go home.” he said quietly. “And I don’t want to argue with you anymore.”

“Then just come back upstairs, come sleep in my bed. We don’t even have to sleep. We can watch a movie, drink some beer…Listen, I’m sorry about what I said to you earlier. I shouldn’t have overreacted like that. I should’ve just listened. Please stay. Please stay here with me.”

Castiel shook his head slowly. “Just let me go. You don’t need me here.”

“Dude, I _love_ you. Of course I need you here.”

“Three weeks ago you didn’t even know I existed.”

“And now I do, and I’m not letting you just walk out like this.”

Castiel sighed and clutched his laptop tighter to his chest.

“Do you really want to leave?”

The younger man nodded.

“Then I’m coming with you.” Dean said finally.

“ _What_?”

“I’m coming with you. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you travel back to Stanford on your own. I have a car…I can drive us there and then we can just hang out for the rest of summer, me and you, and we can forget that any of this shit with Benny, or the drugs back in Kansas, or the prostitutes in Vegas ever happened.”

Castiel watched as Dean picked up the Impala’s car keys from Benny’s ‘key pot’ on the desk by the wall. He then chucked them into Castiel’s hands and smiled a sad, sorry smile. “Just gimme five, okay? I’ll meet you in the car.”

***

After Castiel had successfully pried the beat-up passenger door open, he slipped inside and dumped he bags at his feet. The car suddenly filled with a chilled silence and a nagging dread that maybe the car wouldn’t start, or the engine would blow, or perhaps when Dean emerge from the house Gabriel would be trailing close behind him to pull him from the car and tell him to pull himself together and-

“Ready to go?”

Castiel nodded weakly and felt the car wobble as Dean climbed into the driver’s seat. He shut the door carefully, being sure not to wake any of the others sleeping in the house, and looked over at Castiel.

“It’s okay…we’ll be outta Texas before you know it if Baby holds up.”

Castiel opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. Dean noticed and turned to face him, and Castiel owed him the benefit of a reply, “Thank you, Dean.”

The Impala’s engine rattled into a start and Dean said simply with a smile, “I’d do this for you a thousand times over if it made you happy.”

As Dean pulled out of Benny’s pristine driveway, Castiel noticed the light in the room he had been staying in flicker on, and suddenly his gut grew heavy with guilt. He supposed he should’ve left a note, he owed Benny that at least.

But when he saw the look on Dean’s face when he noticed the light flicker on too, he realised he really didn’t owe Benny anything at all. Never did.

***

The next thing Castiel knew was the dull sting of sleep as he opened his eyes. He found himself in the stationary car, Dean’s door open as he filled the car with gas. It was just breaking dawn outside and the sun had painted Dean’s skin red, his cheek bones casting shadows across his perfect face. Castiel yawned and climbed from the car, feeling himself stumble a little as his body slowly woke.

“Mornin’”Dean smiled as Castiel stretched his arms out behind his head and rubbed his eyes.

“Good morning, Dean. Where are we?”

“We’re just outta Richmond. Thought I better take a break and grab some coffee before I hit the road again, give Baby a rest too. Her engine has been acting up a little too.”

“I’m surprised the engine still works after being towed from a ditch you crashed us into.” Castiel said with a small smile.

“Hey,” Dean said, punching him lightly, “accidents happen. Go get us a coffee, would you? We can head to that diner across the road after we’re done here.”

***

“Can I take your order?” A young girl asked as she approached Dean and Castiel’s table at the diner.

“I’ll have a quarter pounder with bacon and cheese, and a side of nachos with a slice of your very own home-cooked apple pie.”

“For breakfast? Dean, it’s 6am.” Castiel frowned.

“I’m a grown man.” Dean shrugged. “I need my energy.”

The waitress laughed a sweet airy laugh.“And what will you be having, sweetie?”

“I’ll just have toast.”

“Sure that’s all you want?” Dean asked, an eyebrow raised.

Castiel nodded. “Not hungry.”

“Anything else?”

“No thank you.” Castiel smiled.

The waitress quickly checked the order on her notepad before flashing them a quick smile, and then headed back across the diner.

Dean turned back and reached out to place a hand over Castiel’s, stroking the skin with his thumb. Castiel couldn’t look him in the eye – the butterflies he’d felt the first time they’d touched like that filled his gut – but he sent a small smile to make up for it anyway.

He noticed someone approach their table, the waitress probably, but his eyes still didn’t move from the salt and pepper shakers in the middle of the table.

“’scuse me, sir.” Came a deep voice, certainly not the waitress’.

Castiel looked up to find a large man, balding, looking over at Dean with a look of intrigue and something else hidden.

“Can I help you?” Dean frowned back.

“I was just wonderin’…I mean, I saw you arrive in that car, the Chevy impala, ‘nd I just had to say how much of a beauty she is. I mean, a part from the damage to the front…and I noticed one of the tail lights was out when you were drivin’ on into the car park. What the hell happened to cause damage like that to such a pretty car?”

“Ah yeah,” Dean laughed awkwardly. “We had a bit of trouble back in Tennessee.”

“What kinda trouble?” The man pressed.

“Just a cop…”

“A cop in Tennessee, ‘eh? Seems like you been travelin’ a bit. You got a Kansas license plate n’ all. Say, you been to Denver recently?”

Castiel noticed the man slip his hand into his back pocket, and suddenly he knew that Dean had to stop talking.

“No. We haven’t.” Castiel said quickly.

Dean looked over at Castiel and glared. “We-”

“We were planning to go though. And no, we’re not travelling. We live in Texas – moved here from Kansas a couple of years ago. A cop just hit us while we were visiting family in Tennessee. That’s all.”

The man eyed him suspiciously.

“I have no idea what he’s going on about.” Dean laughed. “He makes up the craziest stories sometimes.”

“ _Dean_ -” Castiel hissed.

“We’re road tripping, actually.” Dean said proudly. “Been on the road for nearly three weeks now.”

“To be honest, Mr Winchester, you’da been much better off just goin’ along with your friend’s story.” The man laughed.

Dean looked up suddenly. “Wait- what? How do you know who I am?”

The man produced a badge from the wallet in his back pocket and flashed it at the two of them quickly – a police badge – and Dean’s jaw dropped suddenly. As the officer reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, he looked Dean dead in the eye and said, “Dean Winchester, you’re under arrest for trafficking class A drugs across the United States.”

Dean stood up suddenly.

And so did Castiel. “What the-”

“GO!” Dean spat, grabbing Castiel by the shirt and near-dragging him away from the table. When he finally regained his balance he was thrust quickly out the door of the diner, officer right at their heels, until they were outside in the heat of the Texas morning with their hearts pumping in their throats. He heard the officer shout for back up, and suddenly two more officers, armed this time, appeared from an unmarked DEA car parked by the window. And then in Dean’s moment of panic, he grabbed Castiel once again and shoved him into the backseat of a small red coupe as an elderly couple climbed out of it. Dean shouted a quick “Sorry” to the elderly couple as he jumped into the front seat of their car, and slammed his foot on the break just as one of the officers fired the first shot.

“Get down!” Dean yelled into the back seat as another shot smashed into the back window, glass splintering into a fragile web distorting their view of the officers on their trail. Castiel collapsed into a ball, hugging his legs tightly as Dean swerved the small coupe out of the diner’s carpark and sped down the highway at three times the limit. In the distance he could hear the sirens, but he knew Dean would never let them catch them.

“What the _fuck_ is happening, Dean?” Castiel spat, desperately trying to hold his balance by holding onto the chair in front so he didn’t roll onto the floor. “What the _fuck_?”

“It’s a…it’s a long story, Cas.” Dean panted.

“Dean, you owe it to me to tell me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?!”

“Because if I tell you, you can get charged for withholding information, or being an accomplice, or _something_.” Dean muttered as the car swerved suddenly. “And I’m not putting you in danger like that.”

“Danger? _Danger_?! You’re worried about putting me in _danger_? What about that DEA officers shooting at us? Isn’t that enough _danger_?” Another bullet ricocheted through the back window, showering Castiel in glass as it shattered. “ _Fuck_ , Dean. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.”

“Don’t panic, okay-”

“ _’Don’t panic’_? DON’T PANIC?!”

“I understand why you’re-”

“No, _Dean_. You don’t understand. You _never_ understand. Listen, you tell me what the hell you did to get us into this mess, or I swear to _god_ if I ever make it out of this car _alive_ you’ll _never_ see my face again.”

“Now’s not the time.” Dean spat. They swerved suddenly off the highway and down a dirt track road. It was bumpy, and Castiel’s head battered the door as he lay there on the seat clutching his legs to his chest.

“I’m gonna go to prison.” He moaned. “Gonna be locked up in cell for the rest of my goddamn life. Mom and dad, oh god. They’d never forgive me. Gabriel…he’ll hate me forever. _Oh_ _god, Dean_. What the _hell_ have you dragged me into? Oh _god_.” Castiel sat up slowly, allowing himself to quickly glance at the car fast approaching behind them – their fate. He then turned to Dean and caught his eye in the wind mirror – although he didn’t feel the twists and turns and lifts and drops in his stomach that he used to whenever he looked Dean in the eye. This time his stomach felt mellow and numb, hatred slowly seeping in.

He looked away as his stomach grew sick and fixed his eyes on the road...the road, and what they were fast approaching. “Dean…”

“Stay down, okay?”

“Dean!”

“Just do what I say-”

Castiel glanced quickly at the DEA car chasing behind them and turned, again, to look straight ahead at the bright white warning lights they were fast approaching at the level crossing. The train tracks in front of them were nearing closer, just as the sound of the warning bell was ringing out louder and louder over the sound of the sirens, yet Dean didn’t seem to be showing any signs of slowing as they approached it.

“DEAN!”

From their left a train appeared three fields away, and by the time the realisation that they would collide set in, Castiel’s heart had nearly stopped beating all together. It would be only a matter of minutes, seconds even, before the collision…in a matter of seconds all this would be over. Was this Dean’s escape plan? To get them both killed?

“ _Hold on.”_ Dean muttered, slamming the gas pedal to the ground. The small car’s engine strained and Castiel was sure the little motor would give up on them as it struggled to maintain speed on the gravel dirt road.

“Stop the car.” Castiel said, panicked. “Stop the car or I’ll open the door and jump.”

Castiel heard the doors lock suddenly. He reached for the handle and pulled with all the strength he could find, desperately trying to free himself from the moving vehicle as they neared the train tracks with every second. He could hardly breathe – it was as if the air in the car was suffocating him. And every inch closer to the tracks was another ounce of breath that Castiel was gasping for.

“LET ME _OUT_!”

“I’m not letting you jump out of a car going ninty-nine.” Dean spat.

“I’M NOT LETTING YOU DRIVE US OUT IN FRONT OF A TRAIN!”

Castiel’s body weakened at the realisation that they were going to die – they only needed to be an inch in front of that train for it to be all over for them. He wished he was back at Benny’s house, back in Benny’s boat, even. Because at least then he was with someone who would never put him in danger like this – at least he was _safe_.

“I don’t want to die like this.” Castiel cried. “Not _now_. Not with _you_.”

“You’re not going to die.” Dean spat.

“Dean…” Castiel cried, clutching the door handle as if it could save his goddamn life.

This was it – the end. It was over. They were seconds from reaching the tracks – seconds from a train smashing into the side of their car, killing them both instantly.

“DEEEEEAAAAAAAN!!”

Dean grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and veered the car at a ninty degree angle off the road, crashing along the fields parallel to the tracks. As the car finally came to a stop, Castiel looked back to see the DEA car carry on in front of the train, only to be smashed with the most deafening sound of metal crushing metal that he had ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment any feedback/kudos if you like it so far!!<3


	13. Texas (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sosos sorry for the wait

“We need to get out of here” Dean muttered after a few minutes of stunned silence as the car continued slowly down the side of the train tracks back towards the highway. “Authorities will be here any minute.”

Castiel was still shaking – and he thought he’d never stop – because his mind wouldn’t rest long enough to form a single rational thought and he could hear the blood pounding in his ears. “What? No…Dean, we can’t leave! We need to stay put until the police arrive – we’re the only witnesses – and we need to call an ambulance and-”

“If we stay here we’ll be arrested. Don’t you get it? _We_ _need_ _to leave_.”

“Well maybe we _deserve_ to be arrested, Dean! We just killed a car full of innocent DEA officers who were just doing their jobs. People on the train could’ve been hurt too. DAMMIT Dean, just stop the car and listen to me!”

“I’m listening, alright?” Dean snapped as they pulled out onto the highway again. “Besides, _we_ didn’t kill anyone. _I_ killed them, okay? You have no part in this.”

“Then let me out of the car, okay?”

“No, Cas, I-”

“LET ME OUT!” He yelled, slamming his hands desperately against the window. He wanted Dean to stop the car, turn around, even look at him for a goddamn second, but he just kept driving.

“Just calm down.” Dean muttered from the front; his distinct calmness about the situation made Castiel’s bones grow cold – anybody who had just caused a car of men to die should be racked with guilt, yet Dean seemed worryingly nonchalant.

“N-no, Dean, I will not calm down. I just want this whole nightmare to be OVER.”

“I get that, Cas. Just tell me where you want to go and I’ll take you there. But I’m not letting you out until I get what I want. And what I want most right now is for us both to be as far from this mess as possible.”

“So what, I’m your _hostage_ now?” Castiel spat.

“Well maybe it’s better that way.” Dean said.

***

For an hour they carried on down the highway until Dean found a turning for a small town in the middle of nowhere – far enough from Richmond that Dean was happy enough to stop for a moment to glance at a map.

“So, where are we heading?”

Castiel stayed silent where he was sat huddled in the back seat with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was still shivering from the shock of it all and his body craved food and drink, but he didn’t want to waste his energy complaining about it to Dean. He felt drained, mentally and physically, and he wanted nothing more than to disappear.

“Cas?” Dean turned around for the first time and really _looked_ at Cas; looked at the broken mess he’d become in the last hour. “Hey. Hey, Cas?” He reached out to place a hand on Castiel’s shaking knee, but the boy didn’t respond to his touch. “I’m sorry.”

He looked out at the window.

“Dude, look at me.”

They were both startled by a sudden bang on the bonnet of their stolen red coupe, and when they turned around they found a tall, lanky, toothless African American man grinning at them with crazy eyes and face covered in oil marks.

Dean rolled down the window, “Can I help you?”

“Just admirin’ your busted window.” The man laughed. “An’ then I noticed you’re not from around here – y’all got a Kansas plate an’ I ne’er seen y’all before, an’ I seen e’ery goddamn face in this place.”

“Great to know, now would you mind stepping away from the car?”

“Why should I do that? I know the pair o’ ya are runnin’ from the law; don’t take no wise man to know that.” The man laughed to himself for a few moments as if he was the funniest man alive. “I rem’ber back in ninteen ninety four… I was on the run from the law after I stole a cop car ‘n crashed it into the local church. Ended up here. This village. Ne’er got caught. Ne’er left since. O’ course I been sleepin’ rough since then, fixin’ up cars to earn a livin’…but all the same. Say, you’re not headin’ anywhere are yous?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Yous got a nice ol’ map o’ the states in your lap.” The man cackled.

“We’re lost.” Dean said simply.

“Lost? Heck, I can help yous out if you need it. An’ if you really are runnin’ from the law like I says you were, I’d advise ditching that car an’ followin’ me. I can get you outta here quicker than you’d think possible. Just name a state an’ I’ll point you to the freight train you’ll need and, bam, you’re on your way to safety.”

“You’d really do that for us?” Dean frowned. “Not for nothing, dude, but I don’t tend to trust random guys who say they can help me dodge the law. Been fooled by that one too many times.”

“I ain’t no snitch, son. But I know what it’s like to want to get away.”

Dean turned back to Castiel. “Do we want his help?”

“It can’t get us in any more trouble, so why not.” Castiel muttered before turning away.

“Fine. Help us get out of here.”

“Sure thing. But the next freight don’t come through here ‘till later this afternoon. Where is it you’re headin’ to anyway?”

“California.” Dean said simply. “Get us to Frisco and we can hitch the rest of the way home.”

The man’s eyes lit up suddenly, and Dean found himself watching as the stranger stood for a few seconds open mouthed, muttering to himself. “California you say?”

“That’s right.”

“I’ll help you get to San Francisco if you don’t mind me taggin’ along with yous. I promise that I’ll be gone the second we get there. I jus’…I jus’ got a sister back in Frisco who I ain’t seen in damn near a decade.”

“It’s a deal.” Dean said without a doubt.

“But it’s a short hike to the next cargo stop from here, ‘kay? Better get goin’ now if we want to make it to the next freight on time. Hey! Yous must be gettin’ mighty hungry – we’ll stop off at the house I been squatin’ in for a coupla weeks, ‘kay? Fix you up with somethin’ to eat ‘n’ drink.”

“Thanks dude. What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t. My name’s Rufus. And yous?”

“I’m Dean. This is Castiel.” Dean said simply, gesturing to the torn up boy in the back seat.

“Well what are we waitin’ for? Let’s get us on the road.”

***

Castiel had hardly noticed the way the sky had darkened after they’d abandoned their stolen coupe down an alley way between a bar and an Inn that Rufus insisted turned into a brothel on the fifth night of every winter. They followed the strange man out of the town and along a country lane where he insisted there was an abandoned house he’d been staying in since the hostel he used to stay in had kicked him out after one too many drunken rants. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, the sky seemingly opened up in two and the three of them were startled by a crack of thunder that shook the ground and shattered whatever silence had once settled in the empty plains of the fields around them.

When the heavens opened and the rain started to pour, they ran as fast as they could towards a small shack on the edge of the fields hidden behind a small row of trees – Rufus’ home.

Rufus pushed the wooden door open with a strained creak and let the others in first. Castiel took the sight of the place in; it was definitely abandoned, that was certain. There were large cracks in the plaster and nearly every window was smashed, boarded up in a make shift attempt at privacy from the cows in the next field over. The floor creaked with every step and piles of leaves sat under the windows and by the door; on the far side of the small space was a tattered sleeping bag, a couple of cans of food, a dozen empty bottles of whisky and a small pile of dried wood obviously used in the fireplace to keep him warm at night.

“Make your selves at home, I guess. I don’t have no towels to dry up but I can put the fire on to warm us up if you’d like?” Rufus suggested as he knelt down in front of the fireplace and picked up a small pack of matches lying discarded on the floor beside it.

“Sounds great.” Dean smiled. He looked over at Castiel and sighed sadly. “You’re shivering.”

“I’m fine.” Castiel lied, walking over to a window and making himself comfortable at the foot of it. A chill draft bit at his skin from behind the boards on the window, but he did his best to pretend he hadn’t noticed.

Dean watched him for a couple of moments before taking a seat beside him. “I don’t blame you for hating me, but-”

“Trafficking _drugs_ , Dean? Are you kidding me?” Castiel suddenly spat. “After everything? After Kansas too? I just…I just don’t get it.”

“It’s…it’s complicated, okay?”

“No, Dean, that’s not okay. Listen to yourself? Five DEA officers are dead because of this. And we’re both going straight to jail as soon as they find us. Don’t you get it? You fucked up. You fucked up for both of us.”

Dean sat in silence for a moment, and Castiel caught Rufus’ glance from across the room.

“What…what was it you were carrying?”

Dean took a deep breath. “Cocaine.”

“Coc-Oh god, Dean!” Castiel jumped to his feet. “Jesus Christ. What the _fuck_.”

“I wasn’t selling it, okay?” Dean said desperately, following after the younger boy as he paced across the room and back again.

“You think that makes it any better?” Castiel spat. “How the hell did you get caught up in all this?”

“It’s a long story, Cas.” Dean sighed.

“Tell me.”

“It’s just… _ugh_. Fine.” Castiel watched the older man swallow hard, running a hand over his worn out face before finally speaking again. “After I’d finally made contact with Benny after all those years, Sam said it would be a good idea for us to visit him on the trip and stay with him for a few days – you know that part, right? But about a week before we left I got a call from Benny; he was in trouble. A lot of trouble, alright? And he knew that I’d be his best bet at getting him outta the shit he’d found himself in because we’d be on the road, and we’d be travelling. He said he had a couple of guys on his back and they were dangerous – his life was on the line and everything. He was fearing for his life. I agreed to help, said I’d do anything for him. He told me he just needed me to pick up a package from a couple of guys in Denver and deliver it to him when we got to Houston. So I did. And I knew what was in it the whole time. But I couldn’t risk anybody knowing about it, so I kept it to myself.

“Once we reached Denver I intended to pick the package up on that first night. But then you went missing and I was so goddamn worried about you that my priority was making sure you were safe. So much crap went through my head that night while we were looking for you; I wondered if the guys I was supposed to be picking up the package from had found our hotel – I thought that maybe that’d broken into your room while we were next door and taken you. So once I found you safe I couldn’t go out and leave you like that – especially not to pick up a package that contained shit like that. And after those guys chased us through the streets I thought the worst again. So once we were safe outta that city and you were fast asleep in that motel room, I snuck out to do the deal.

“All was fine after we left Colorado: you were safe, and I was half way towards fixing Benny’s problem too. We had a couple of brushes with the law – New York was fine but Tennessee was less so: I had to run from that cop so she didn’t end up searching the car to find that goddamn package I’d hidden under the front seat. And then we were in Texas, and I could’ve given Benny that package on the first night. But he seemed to like you more than I was comfortable with, and I thought I could make him wait. But then when you’d told me what he did – that he kissed you - I didn’t want to help him get out of his godforsaken mess anymore – for all I cared, he deserved whatever shit was coming for him. After you left for that goddamn dinner with him I decided I was just going to dump the package at the side of the highway somewhere in the morning and tell him I never got it, but then when you came home you wanted to leave and I didn’t think twice about it. I just had to get you out of that house so you could be yourself again.”

Castiel shook his head slowly as he sat back down under the window. “You should’ve told me.”

“You wouldn’t have understood.”

Rufus looked up suddenly. “’N’ where’s the package now?”

Dean looked over suddenly and frowned. Both of them had nearly completely forgotten about the other person in the room. “Why does it matter?”

“Did yous leave it in that coupe we abandoned down the ally?”

“No…”Dean said slowly. “It’s still in my car – we had to ditch it in a gas station just outta Richmond when the DEA started shooting at us. The five of them just jumped into their car and started shooting at us; grabbing a package of illegal drugs was not my first thought if I’m being honest with you, dude.”

“And none of ‘em stayed back to seize the car?”

Dean shook his head. “No…like I said, the five of them got into their car after shooting at us and chased us down the highway. What’s with all the questions?”

Rufus shrugged, returning his attention to the fire and the cans of beans he was holding carefully over the flames. With another loud crack of thunder from the storm outside, the topic of conversation was lost, and Castiel was interrupted from his train of thought by the sudden realisation that they were in the middle of suburban Texas with a homeless man who held the promise to help escape the authorities by hopping on a boxcar out of the state. And then his knees went weak.

***

“Hey, Cas, hey…can you hear me?”

Castiel opened his eyes to find Dean kneeling over him with a tattered blanket lying over his legs. He kicked the blanket off and attempted to stand up, wobbling precariously for a few seconds before Dean took him by the arm and helped him sit back down again.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked. “You were standing there and then you just collapsed…are you hungry? You haven’t eaten since yesterday.”

“I’m fine.” Casiel mumbled.

“You’re obviously not fine-”

“Here.” Rufus grunted, placing a warm tin of beans into his hands along with a rusted spoon. “Get yer strength up before we hit th’ road.”

“Thanks.” Castiel mumbled numbly, being sure to avoid Dean’s glare as it painted the side of his face.

***

They set off for the road an hour later, after they’d consumed 6 cans of beans and two bottles of water between them (Dean and Rufus had also shared a bottle of whiskey at some point during their short rest at the shack too, but Castiel had fallen asleep under the window by then so he was blissfully unaware).

As they trekked through the fields with the late afternoon Texan sun beating down on them, Castiel fell behind as his legs began to weaken and he felt his lungs straining within his chest. He was thirsty, parched even, but Dean was too far ahead to call out to, so he carried on with his body fighting to stay conscious. Five more steps and his head began to pound. Seven after that and he found his bones begin to shake in the immense heat, and a strange chill washed over him as he struggled to keep one foot moving in front of the other.

“Cas? Hey…dude, stop-”

He walked full into something hard, and looked up in a daze to find himself standing inches from Dean, who was now holding him at arm’s length.

“Couldn’t you hear me talking to you?”

Castiel shook his head weakly.

“Or even see where you were going? Dude, you just walked full on into me.”

“Oh? Sorry.” He mumbled, stepping past him in order to prompt the movement of their journey. More than anything he wanted to just carry on until they reached the loading bay so they could just board the freight and get the hell out of there. The stress was making him delirious, the guilt too, and he had a slight hope that once he reached home it would all go away, that once he reached home everything would be okay again. Well, he could hope, couldn’t he?

“Sorry, I – I wasn’t concentrating.”

“Stop, Cas, look at me.”

Castiel stopped in his tracks and lethargically turned on the spot. His body felt numb, his arms like lead by his sides. “What?”

Dean opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t ask me if I’m okay, Dean. Just don’t. I’m tired, and I’m fed up of this stupid road trip, okay? I just want to go home.”

“Okay.” Dean swallowed. “Home is where we’re heading, alright?”

***

They reached the loading bay at half past three in the afternoon; the air was still thick from the downpour and the ground was sodden as they trudged carefully behind a row of bushes hiding the train tracks. Upon the tracks sat ten cargo carriages, rusted, worn and weathered until the paint had peeled back to reveal the ugly copper walls. From a couple hundred meters away men’s voices could be heard as the cargo was loaded onto the remaining cars at the far end, and the three of them knew they had to stay low and silent if they wanted any chance of getting out of the state without it being in the back of a police van.

“So, we’re gonna hop on that thing or what?” Dean whispered as Rufus ordered them to stop.

“Give it a minute.” Rufus muttered. “Gotta wait till they head up to the driver’s carriage, o’wise we gonna get caught. Trust me, it’s happened to me one too many times for my likin’.”

Castiel shuffled on his feet as a worker passed the bush they were hiding behind, and Dean froze up instantly. And then his phone started to vibrate in his back pocket, and Castiel’s heart was in his mouth as his ring tone began to play out into the silence that had fought so well to conceal their whereabouts up until that moment. Dean turned around suddenly while Castiel desperately fought to fish the phone out of his pocket with shaking hands. He managed to hit the ‘off’ button and Dean promptly snatched the small device out of his hand, ripping the back off and removing the battery in one swift motion. The worker stopped in his tracks and looked around for a moment. The three of them cowered lower behind the bush, trying not to move too much on their feet to avoid the sound of the gravel giving away their position even more.

“Hey, Billy, was that your cell phone ringin’ jus’ then?” He called out to one of the other workers a couple of cars down the track.

“Naw it ain’t.” They heard a voice call back. “Prob’ly just the heat makin’ your hear things. Go take a break, this train’s departin’ in two minutes anyway, you’ve deserved it.”

“Thanks man.” The worker in front of them replied, before finally disappearing out of sight.

Dean turned to Castiel and shoved the parts of his cell phone into his hands without another word. With a ripple of shouts from behind the platform, the train’s engine roared to life. Castiel tilted his head from where he was crouched on the floor to take in the sight of the remaining open carriage, their one chance at escaping.

“Now’s our chance.” Rufus muttered, slowly lifting himself to his feet, inching forwards a little. The sound of the engine drowned out their footsteps in the gravel, and Castiel was glad because it meant Dean wouldn’t hear his frightened breaths or the sound of his heart thudding loudly against the inside of his chest either. Dean pushed Castiel gently in front of him as if he was afraid of him bottling at the last minute and wanted to keep an eye on him, and the three of them stopped at a small opening in the bushes. Rufus peeked his head out and looked around for any oncoming workers and deemed the cost clear. But just as Rufus took one small step forwards, a worker appeared out of nowhere and slammed the door shut, locking it tightly with a levy and a padlock. The worker stepped backwards and raised one hand in a gesture to the driver that all was set before disappearing back towards a small shack at the other end of the platform. Then, as their hearts began to feel heavy, the train’s horn sounded once and it began to roll forwards.

Castiel turned to Dean and let out a long troubled sigh, and Dean shook his head in defeat. “There has to be another way, goddammit!”

“There is.” Rufus said under his breath, barely audible over the sound of the train’s breaks releasing as it rolled ever so slowly past them. “The last car will have a ladder at the back. We’ll have to jump on, climb up over the roof of the carriage and climb into the hatch. It’s dangerous, god knows it’s damn dangerous, and who knows what’s gonna be in that carriage, but it’s the only way.”

“Let’s do it.” Dean muttered. “We have no choice.”

They readied themselves at the opening of the bushes; they knew that the train wouldn’t fully begin to pick up speed until it was fully out of the platform, but they knew they needed to act quickly nonetheless.

When the final carriage came into view, Rufus was the one to approach the tracks first, Dean and Castiel trailing uncertainly behind him. Then, once the train had passed, Rufus grabbed onto the railings of the last carriage and hoisted himself up, looking back briefly as a sign for one of the others to follow. Castiel and Dean jumped up onto the tracks and followed after as the train began to slowly gain speed. Castiel watched as Dean jumped up next, just as Rufus had made it to the roof, looking down on the two of them with a sort of unfounded nervousness that made Castiel’s body begin to shake with fear and adrenaline and a thousand other things all at once as he ran.

Dean clutched the ladder with one hand and made room for Castiel to jump up too, extending his hand slowly towards him as the younger boy ran as if for his life. Just as Castiel had his fingertips on the ladder, his foot got caught in one of the slats between the rails and he found himself stumbling forwards out of balance. But just as he was about to fall, Dean grabbed onto his elbow and steadied him just in time for Castiel to reach out and grab the ladder securely. With a little help from Dean, Castiel was fully on the ladder just as the train began to accelerate. He was shaking. Hell, he was shaking. And the taste of blood filled his mouth from where he’d been biting his tongue. But he was more or less safe now, and the look on Dean’s face inches from his own was enough to tell him that.

“It’s okay.” He felt Dean whisper in his ear. “We’re going home now.”

“ _Home_.” Castiel breathed under his breath, his eyes shut tight with the cool metal ladder against his cheek as he let himself regain his breathe as he felt the wind rush past his head.

“Come on, let’s get inside this goddamn train before one of us falls off.” Dean smiled. It was a smile of relief and something else that made Castiel nearly forgive him.

Castiel nodded and pulled himself up onto the roof with Rufus, Dean close behind. They crawled across the hot metal until they came to a small hatch; Rufus and Dean turned the metal wheel until the latch unlocked, and the three of them dropped downside, Dean, then Castiel, then Rufus.

It took them a few minutes for their eyes to adjust to the darkness. From what they could see from the light escaping the couple of small barred windows, carriage was fairly empty. There were a couple of crates marked for Albuquerque, but a part from that there was plenty of room for them to get comfortable until the next stop.

“Looks like first stop is Albuquerque then.” Dean said as he sat looked over at their surroundings.

“We can switch trains when we get there.” Rufus said as he sat himself down on one of the crates, kicking off his battered shoes. “Rest there ‘n’ resume our journey the next day.”

“Sounds good.” Dean nodded, shrugging out of his jacket as Castiel sat down against the wall of the train, draping it over the younger boy’s shoulders. He then took a seat close beside him and took his hand. Castiel wanted to resist, he knew he couldn’t give in to Dean that easily, not after everything he’s put him through already, but he simply didn’t have the energy. Castiel pulled his knees up to his chin and sighed, suddenly remembering his dismembered phone sitting in his pocket still. He knew who would be calling – it would be Gabriel worrying where the hell they were – but he decided Gabriel could wait. The next thing he knew, his eyes were closed and his head was resting against something, some _one_ , that made him feel safe, and the thought of their train heading west was already enough to put him enough at ease so that he could sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment any feedback or kudos if you like it so far!!<3


	14. New Mexico

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long hiatus, been rlly busy with school stuff and kinda stressed out. hope this chapter is alright!!

** New Mexico **

“Castiel.”

Casitel looked to his left. The world around him was darkening but he could still see Dean standing there, his voice clear and smooth and stern in that way that scared him.

“Castiel, come here.”

This wasn’t like Dean. Dean didn’t speak with the authority and control that he was speaking with now; Dean spoke softly to Castiel, always softly. Loving. Careful not to damage the already-damaged goods more than they already were. That was Dean…This was not.

“He’s poison, Castiel. Said it himself. Don’t you remember?” Gabriel was to his right. He was a little further away and his features were flooded with darkness, but Castiel knew it was him. “Or perhaps would you like me to remind you of the time you shoved a handful of pills down your throat because he made you feel worthless. What about the fact Dean confirms everything about yourself that you hate. Can you even bear to take that?”

“Come here, Castiel. Listen to me, goddamn it! You’re in danger! Get off the tracks!” Dean spat, his jaw tensing up as he reached a hand outwards, feet not moving from the exact spot he was stood in.

Castiel looked down at his own feet to find himself standing in the middle of the tracks, looking out at the darkness in front of him waiting for whatever was fast approaching him. He couldn’t see it yet, but he knew it was coming. The thought of it didn’t scare him. In fact, he felt nothing inside. Nothing at all.

“He put a spell on you, they always do, don’t they Cassy? You’re easy to charm, so naïve. And the funny thing is that there’s nobody in this world that would be even _remotely_ surprised. You just get swept up by the slightest gust of wind. You, little bro, are nothing but a feather drifting towards an end you know you won’t be able to escape. Not even poor old Deano can save you this time. Sad, right?”

“CASTIEL! Are you listening to me?” Dean was shouting now. No, he was _screaming_. Desperate. “Stop fooling around! CASTIEL, LISTEN TO ME, GODDAMN IT! WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN?”

There was something inviting about the darkness in front of him, something he craved. He took a step forwards. Glanced to the left.

Dean was silent now standing there with a look on his face, so sad, so helpless. Castiel watched as he turned his head so he didn’t have to look at the broken boy standing on the tracks, waiting for the train that was surly approaching, wishing there was something he could do to get him down. And there was something in Dean’s eye that broke his heart. It was the look of a desperate man – a man who’d run out of every last option, every last chance.

It was that moment Castiel changed his mind; he didn’t want the darkness. He wanted Dean.

“Look at you.” Gabriel said scathingly. “Mom and dad would be so disappointed if they knew what a wreck you’d become. I mean, it’s laughable, actually. Or do you not give a damn about them anymore? What happened to daddy’s little church boy? Mommy’s perfect son? What happened to _my_ little brother? Take another step forwards. Go on, I dare you.”

No, no, no.

He couldn’t.

“Cas…” Dean’s voice was now nothing more than a whisper, but it sounded closer than before. Castiel’s head snapped to the side, and Dean was still standing where he’d been standing all along. “Just come here. Come to me. I need you to be safe.”

Castiel took a deep breath and gave into Dean’s voice, lifting a shaky leg to take the first step towards safety.

No, that wasn’t right.

He tried again to step off the tracks, but his feet carried him forwards once again.

No, no, no. He didn’t want this. He wanted Dean, not the darkness.

Again.

Forwards.

Again.

Forwards.

Again.

Panic.

Again.

“DEAN!”

 Again.

Forwards.

Again.

Forwards.

“CAS, NO!”

Again.

Forwards

Agai- blighting lights and a screech of metal, and then the feeling of six thousand tonnes of titanium steel slamming into his body, hard enough to jolt him from his sleep.

***

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy tiger.”

Castiel gasped for breath as he clung onto Dean’s arm, panting heavily as his eyes adjusted to the meek darkness of the box car, using his other hand to wipe the sweat and damp hair from his eyes. He could see daylight seeping into the car through the cracks in the ceiling and the train was shaking gently, moving noticeably slower than it had been before.

 “You alright?”

He could feel Dean’s hand resting on his back. “Bad dream.”

“Well forget about it, alright? We hit New Mexico, we made it to Albuquerque.”

The ceiling hatch suddenly opened and Rufus dropped down inside. The bright daylight stung his eyes and the fresh air was a relief, and he suddenly realised that the train wasn’t moving anymore, it was just the running engine making it shake.

“Y’alright? Gotta get outta here before they decide to unload this shit.” Rufus said, thrusting a bottle of water into each of their hands. “An’ I dunno about you but I need somethin’ to eat.”

Dean stood up, pulled Castiel up too. “Food sounds good. Right, Cas?”

“Food.” Castiel nodded.

***

After they’d hopped off the boxcar and made their way into the city, they found a small diner and decided it would do for now; they really didn’t have much more choice and, plus, Dean and Castiel hadn’t eaten in over a day.

“…Thirty, forty, forty-five, forty six and 25 cents.” Dean muttered, compiling what little money they had left into a heap on the table. Rufus added a eighty dollars in cash – the little money he’d been saving to get his life back on track, but he decided that as he was going to meet his sister in San Francisco, he wouldn’t need it anymore. Castiel’s only contribution was a crumpled ten dollar bill from his left pocket and misplaced shirt button; in the other pocket he found his phone and the battery Dean had removed the day before.

He pulled the pieces from his pocket and reconstructed the small device before switching it on again. After thirty seconds, the missed calls began to ring through. Texts, calls, emails…twenty five from Gabriel, sixteen from his parents. He’d nearly completely forgotten that he hadn’t said goodbye to Gabriel and the others, let alone told them that they were leaving.

“You should call him.” Dean muttered to the young boy who sat small in the booth on his own. “Let him know you’re okay.”

“Aren’t you going to call Sam?”

Dean shook his head. “Sammy’ll know I’m okay. I pull shit like this all the time, he gets it.”

“You kill cars full of DEA officers on a regular basis?” Castiel said, maybe a little too loudly as he was met by a violent “shhh” from both Dean and Rufus in unison.

“No.” Dean said under his breath. “But he knows there’s nothing I can’t handle. Go – go talk to your brother.”

Castiel nodded and slipped from the booth, crossing the small diner until he reached the thick hot air of New Mexico outside. He opened up his phone and pressed ‘dial’ and waited anxiously for an answer.

“Castiel?!”

“Balthazar?!” This was not who Castiel was expecting to answer the phone by any means.

“Are you- are you…are okay? Bloody hell, where are you?!”

“I’m fine. Dean’s fine too. Is everything okay?”

“Everything o- _shit_ , Castiel, everything is not okay. What in god’s name are you playing at? Where the hell _are_ you?”

“New Mexico. What’s going on?”

“You want to know what’s going on? Well Benny is in hospital, critically ill, while your brother and his best friend are down at the hospital identifying bodies they’ve been told have a high chance of being _you_ andDean.”

“What?! What happened to Benny?”

“He was in a vehicle that was stuck by a train a couple of hours from Houston. After we realised the three of you were missing, Gabriel called the cops and we were informed that us about the accident. They told us Benny had been admitted to hospital – he was the only one with identification on him at the time. Everyone else in that car died. Gabriel and Sam went down to the hospital a couple of hours ago to identify the bodies. They _both_ spent last night believing their brothers were dead.”

“Oh _god_.”

“As much as I’m pissed you took this long to call, I’m glad you’re okay.” Balthazar breathed. “The last time I cried like I did last night was – well, I don’t actually remember.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Its not me you should be apologising to.”

“I wish I could explain what happened.”

“Save it for Gabriel. He deserves to hear it first.”

Castiel took a deep breath. “All I wanted was to go home. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

Balthazar sighed. “It’s fine, okay? Well, it’s not fine, but you know what I mean. I’m gonna call Gabriel and let him know that you’re okay. You better have a bloody good explanation ready for when he calls, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Talk later, kid.”

“Goodbye Balthazar.”

Castiel hung up and slipped the phone back into his pocket as he stepped back carefully against the glass, letting it hold the crushing weight of his body for just a few seconds.

***

When he returned back to the booth, the food had already arrived and Castiel quickly found that he’d lost his appetite.

“Benny was in that car.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean frowned, mouth half full of pancake and bacon.

“The car that chased us, Benny was in it.”

Dean nearly choked as he struggled to swallow his mouthful and get his words out. “Are you _sure_?”

“Positive. Benny’s critically ill in hospital. He survived the accident, but the others in the car did not. Sam and Gabriel were convinced we were amongst the deceased – they thought we were dead.”

“You’re goddamn lucky men, if this means what I think it means.” Rufus muttered.

Dean looked at the older man. “It means those men who we killed, I –uh- I mean, who _died in the crash_ …they weren’t DEA. They were Benny’s _minions_.” He then shook his head slowly in disbelief, looking back at the younger boy sitting in front of him, “That son-of-a-goddam- _bitch_.”

Castiel couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth twitch up into a smile that felt so wrong but ever so _right_ at the same time.

Dean’s face broke into a full on grin.

“Chances are those guys were already runnin’ from the law.” Rufus said. “Authorities won’t press if they’re identified as wanted cartel members. They’ll either let their deaths slide or pass it off as nothin’ other than accidental deaths caused by a drug fuelled rage.”

Castiel stuck a knife into his small stack of pancakes and smiled up at Dean. “The only thing left to face is Gabriel’s rage when he gets back from identifying those bodies who aren’t us.”

“The thought of that alone is more frightening than the law.”

***

“Here’s to _not_ being pursued by the law.” Dean grinned to the younger boy as he raised his small shot glass. The two of them were sitting in some bar they’d come across while Rufus went out on a pursuit to find a place to sleep on Dean’s orders, finally giving the pair some time together for the first time in what felt like an age.

Castiel smiled a little and raised his glass as Dean clinked them together. Dean downed his shot of vodka while Castiel decided against it and placed his down on the table and laughed at the way Dean grimaced at the taste. His smile suddenly vanished, and Dean noticed.

“Smile, champ.”

Castiel tried.

“What’s up?”

The younger man paused for a moment. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Sorry? What for?”

“I believe up until that phone conversation with Balthazar this morning I hated you.” Castiel didn’t look up at him as he spoke. “I was just so angry. Every shitty thing that has happened on this trip just seemed to resurface and I blamed every one of them on _you_.”

“That’s because all the crap we’ve been through has been down to me. You have no reason to be sorry, Cas. But I do. And I’m gonna find a way to make it up to you. I love you, okay?”

“No, see, that’s the thing.” Castiel swallowed hard. “I don’t think I…I don’t think I _can_ love you anymore. I just don’t think my heart will let me.”

Dean stiffened, sat up, pushed his glass a couple of centimetres with his finger as the colour drained from his face.

“But-.”

“No, no.” Dean smiled, but Castiel could see the very opposite expression in his eyes. “Don’t apologise. It’s fine.”

“Dean I’m not finsihed-”

“No, really.” Dean said quickly, grabbing his leather jacket from where it was hanging on the back of his chair. He slipped it on and zipped it up awkwardly, ignoring the ninety degree heat outside. “It’s fine. I’m, uh, I’m going to get some air. See you…later, I guess.”

“ _Dean_.” Castiel called after him. “Dean, don’t leave me here. I didn’t finish what I was –” But he was already out of ear shot. “ _Whatever, like you’d listen anyway_.”

“Where the hell is he off to?” Rufus frowned as he passed Dean, taking Dean’s seat.

“God knows.” Castiel muttered, downing his vodka shot without a single change in expression.

“Well, here.” Rufus tossed a set of keys onto the table in front of him. “I got us a room at a motel about a couple of blocks down the road. Go get some sleep. Proper sleep. I’ll find Dean. ‘Kay?”

Castiel picked up the keys and nodded at Rufus with unspoken gratitude.

***

Castiel wasn’t sure what time it was when he woke to find a darkened room with the constant ticking of the clock stuck in his head and five missed calls from Gabriel. He sighed, sat up, rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath before flicking his phone open and pressing ‘dial’.

“Castiel?!”

“Gabriel, yes, it’s me.” He was relieved to find it was Gabriel answering his phone this time.

“Thank God you’re okay. I – I don’t know where to start, bro. A lotta crazy shit’s been happening since you disappeared, I…” There was a pause, then the sound of a familiar woman’s voice in the background.

“You’re with mom?”

“Yes, Castiel, but that’s not relevant –”

“Are you in Texas still? Why’s mom there?”

“No, bro, I flew up to Boston. Sam and Balthazar are here too. We needed to get out of Benny’s house…so many cops, just wouldn’t leave the place alone. Turns out he was running a billion dollar drug cartel. I really did wonder how he was able to afford a house like that at such a young age.”

“I know, Gabriel.” Castiel sighed. “I know everything.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because I only found out there were drugs involved in this whole trip about thirty seconds before Benny’s gang decided to chase us down the highway impersonating DEA officers. They were going to kill us – Dean had no choice but to force them to drive out in front of that train.”

“ _Shit_ , Cas.” Gabriel swallowed.

“But, Gabe, I’m fine now. Really. I’m with Dean, he’s taking care of me. We’re heading back to California.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea, little bro. Mom and dad want you to come back to Boston. I want you to come back to Boston too. Dean’s not good for you, I think he’s proved that enough this summer.”

“But-”

“Save the excuses, kid. I’ll transfer the money for a plane ticket to your bank account, okay?”

“No, Gabriel.” Castiel sat up. “I don’t want to fly to Boston. I want to travel to California with Dean and Rufus.”

“Who the heck is Rufus?!”

“Doesn’t matter. But I’m fine, really.”

“You’re coming up to Boston, Castiel. Don’t argue with me. You’ve put me through enough shit this summer.”

“ _You_ ’ve been through shit? What about me! I didn’t even want to go on this goddamn trip in the first place!”

“Dean’s just gonna get you into even more shit! He’ll get you in trouble, or put in hospital. I know what guys like him are like, okay? He’s bad news.”

“You know what?” Castiel stood up, clutching the phone to his ear. “I’m done listening to you. I’m done listening to people who think they know what’s best for me. Thinking about what you’d say about this whole situation is what made me doubt how I felt for Dean in the first place. You made me think I hated him, when it was _you_ I hated all along. I love Dean. But I don’t love you. You’re a poor excuse for a brother, and the only person who nearly got me killed this summer was you when you made me come on this shitty trip in the first place. Goodbye, Gabriel. You won’t see me until you return to Stanford. But don’t bother even saying hello when you do.” He ended the call faster than he thought was possible, when suddenly Dean bust through the door slightly out of breath and sweaty faced. He nearly collapsed onto one knee in front of Castiel and fumbled to pull something out of his jacket pocket.

“C-castiel”

“Dean, are you okay?”

“Who gives a shit about me. It’s _you_. You. You’re all that matters, okay? You’re all that’s mattered since I first saw you sitting there in our brothers’ apartment at the beginning of summer. I know you may have fallen out of love with me, hell, I don’t know if you even really loved me to begin with but –”

“Dean, just, hold on a sec-.” Castiel pulled him to his feet, close enough to see that Dean had been crying, or something close to it. “What’s going on?”

“What I’m trying to say is I know I’m problematic. I know I’ve fucked up on an _apocalyptic_ scale, and there’s nothing I can ever do to make it right for you. This isn’t some fucked up love story, okay? I’m not looking for forgiveness, or for you to forget anything that’s happened. I don’t want to be that cliché. I’m not looking to fix you because, dammit Cas, you were never broken to start with. You’re just you, and I hate myself for ever thinking I could change that.”

“Dean-”

“I don’t want to lose you, Cas. Not ever. I’m not sure how you really feel about me but I just – you’ve changed me. I don’t wanna sleep around, or fuck however many guys or girls will let me near them. I don’t want Lisa, or Benny, or anyone else on this planet. I just want _you_. Marry me, Cas.” Dean could barely look him in the eye, he was shaking so much. “I, just…- Will you marry me?”

Castiel took the small ring box and looked right at him. “On that first day I met you, you broke up with Lisa because her parents were expecting a marriage proposal and you weren’t ‘into all that commitment’.” He asked. "What the hell happened to you?”

“ _You_ , you son-of-a-bitch. _You_ happened to me.” Dean breathed.

Castiel looked down at the small box in his hand and sighed, placing it back in Dean's pocket. "You're tired and wasted and high, Dean. Get some sleep."

"Cas-"

"Get some sleep, okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment any feedback and kudos if you liked it!! (literally any feed back at all) <3 <3 <3


End file.
